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  • The Five Pillars of Recovery from Trauma and Addiction

    Believe in yourself. Tell yourself that you deserve happiness, joy, success, and a life free from the pain of trauma and addiction. You are worth your recovery.

    In my forty-five years, I enjoyed twelve years of quasi-normal childhood, which ended abruptly when I was raped. I spent the next ten years in a dangerous dance with addiction, suicide attempts, and more trauma. But then I reached a turning point, and my past twenty-three years have been spent healing and learning what works for me in building long-term recovery.

    There is no standard set of blueprints for long-term recovery, as everyone is different, but I have identified five pillars that have enabled me to build on a strong foundation of recovery. My daily choice not to use substances forms that foundation, and these rock-solid pillars stabilize that recovery into an impenetrable structure. These five pillars are not unique, and they do require work, but once built, they will stabilize your recovery fortress.

    1. Maintain rigorous honesty. In addiction, our lives were built upon lies and false narratives we told ourselves and others. But recovery demands honesty—only when we can admit the truth can we begin to heal. I had to get honest with myself about my addiction. I had to own it and then take a brutally honest assessment of my life. We cannot build a sustainable recovery on a false narrative. When we lie, we enable sickness, secrets, shame, and suffering.

    Dishonesty makes us vulnerable in all the wrong ways, but honesty conjures the true vulnerability we require to discover authenticity. Start practicing honesty in all your interactions—beginning with yourself. This must be the first pillar because without honesty, the rest will crumble. Anything created in a lie is chaos, and anything created in chaos will end in chaos.

    2. Expose your secrets. You cannot soak in the joy of today if your soul is still filled with yesterday’s garbage. Take out that trash. For me, this meant diving deep and pulling forth all the trauma, pain, and sorrow that I had packed tightly away. I thought this was for my benefit—why bring up old stuff? But in fact my secrets were keeping me sick. They were smoldering under this new foundation I was building in recovery, threating to burn it all down.

    Secrets require silence to thrive, and they allow shame to fester inside of us. Shame is an emotional cancer that, if left untreated, will destroy our recovery. I began by slowly exposing my secrets in my journal. At first, it was the only safe space for me. As I began to trust others in recovery, I began to share those secrets, and the smoldering was extinguished by their compassion and understanding. Begin exposing your own secrets. What thoughts and memories are you afraid to give voice to? Those are the secrets that will keep you sick if you do not get them out.

    3. Let go. All those secrets take up a tremendous amount of space in our mind, body, and soul. We must find ways to process that pain into something productive, useful, and healing. You must unleash this pain so it no longer occupies your mind, body, and soul. When you do this, you make room for hope, light, love, and compassion.

    Writing is my release. But when physical emotional energy rises in me, I need more intense physical activity to push the energy out of my body. I use a spin bike and weightlifting, but you might run, walk, or practice yoga—any activity that gets your heart rate up and helps you sweat, which I think of as negative energy flowing out. When I do this, I am calmer, I am kinder, and I am more the person I want to be. Meditation is another way for me to simply let go and sit with myself when my thoughts are plaguing me or I feel stuck emotionally. I often use mediational apps, guided mediations, or music to help me meditate. When you find what works for you, do it daily. Recovery is like a muscle; when it is flexed, it remains strong.

    4. Remember you aren’t alone. Connection is core to feeling hopeful. By interacting with other trauma survivors and others in recovery, you become part of a group of people with similar experiences who have learned how to survive. Being able to share those pieces of your past with others is incredibly powerful. Seek out support groups in your area, attend meetings, reconnect with healthy people from your past, and pursue activities you enjoy to help you meet like-minded people. Create the circle of people you want in your life—the ones who will hold you accountable yet provide you with unconditional support and love, without judgment.

    In our addiction, we push these people away. We run from them because they act like mirrors to our dishonesty. In recovery, these people become the ones we turn to when things get hard. Even one such person in your life—a family member, friend, sponsor, or trusted colleague—can make a difference. Surround yourself with those who seek to build you up.

    5. Know you matter. In order to grow, heal, and build upon your recovery foundation, you have to believe you are worth it, that you deserve joy and love. At some point in your recovery, you will have to rely on yourself to get through a rough patch. When this happened to me, I had to really dig down and get to know myself. I had to strip away all the false narratives I used to define myself, all the ways I presented myself to the world and to myself. Who was I? What did I love about myself, and what brought me enough joy to feel worthiness?

    I now know what I need to feel calm, to feel beautiful, and to feel deserving of this amazing life of recovery. I matter, and my life in recovery matters so much. It is this core truth that makes me fight for my recovery, my sanity, my marriage, and my job, because they are all worth it. I am worth the fight, and so are you. Believe in yourself. Tell yourself that you deserve happiness, joy, success, and a life free from the pain of trauma and addiction. You are worth your recovery. It is the foundation on which you build your new life.

    Building any structure requires hard work, and recovery is no different. While we each require different tools and plans to create them, these five pillars will sustain our recovery from trauma and addiction.

     

    Jennifer Storm’s Awakening Blackout Girl: A Survivor’s Guide for Healing from Addiction and Sexual Trauma is now available at Amazon and elsewhere.

    View the original article at thefix.com

  • Don't Relapse Now

    Time has paused, life has paused, why can’t sobriety pause too?

    Reader, I will make a deal with you. I will talk to you like an adult and say some uncomfortable things. I won’t be your sponsor and I won’t throw the Big Book at your face. But in exchange, you need to promise me you’ll read this to the end. No skips, no tag outs, no skimmy skims. Okay? Okay, great.

    I understand the urge to relapse right now. I’m feeling it too. A lot of us have severely diminished responsibilities – my work has nearly dried up. I hate the Zoom meetings, which feel like impersonal shadow plays where I have to stare at my new fat face. All our other distractions that can’t be done from the couch have been cancelled. My normie friends are mixing up quarantinis before the 5 o’clock news starts. Most importantly, we are all being treated to a daily blast of death, inequity, and press conferences where a poorly tanned moron tells us to shoot up with bleach. It is so much. It is a daily mental weight that is difficult to bear even on the best days.

    If you are saying to yourself, maybe I can’t hold out on this, maybe I am going to break, that is a sane response. It is, in some ways, a rational response. Time has paused, life has paused, why can’t sobriety pause too? The other day I found myself telling a friend that I won’t be jobless, locked down, without the beach (my favorite distraction), and sober. In full Scarlett O’Hara mode, I declared, “Sorry, but I won’t do it!” It felt good to say, the way forbidden things sometimes do. Total, unapologetic narcissism has its pleasures.

    I could probably get away with it, too. I could probably go on a few-days bender and maybe my boyfriend would figure it out (he is sharp!), but no one else would. I could even keep my day count! Why not?!? This is the sort of self-dealing I’ve been doing. I am so good at it. I am the Clarence Darrow of fucking my own shit up.

    But it is wrong. I know it’s wrong. If you are having similar thoughts, you probably know they are wrong too. Even now, with life halted and pain and injustice ascendant, there are reasons both practical and metaphysical that it is crucial for you and me to keep our sober time. Even if every word we ever heard at an AA meeting was false, even if the Big Book itself is a decades-long scam to sell us on religion.

    Practically, you are going to regret it. You know you are! Sorry, but you do. You are going to be annoyed, at the very least, that you need to restart your day count, which yes, you eventually will be forced to do because you won’t be able to lie to your support network for that long. Whatever bender you have in mind is going to come to an end, in what will feel like the blink of an eye, and all you’ll have left is regret and likely, a terrible headache or worse. You also, of course, might take it too far and die.

    If things get really bad, as they very well may, people are going to know what you did and that is going to suck for you. Your family and friends are already extremely stressed out right now (just like you!) – the last thing they need is to hear that you relapsed, in your tiny apartment in some faraway city, and no one can travel to you to make sure you get it together. Your mom is going to cry.

    On that note, if you need hospital care because you overdose or can’t stop, great, you are taxing an already overtaxed healthcare system and exposing yourself to COVID19 at the same time. From a million different standpoints, any decision to relapse right now is selfish, even if it feels like the only person being punished is you.

    Okay, who cares, right? I hear that. When I was first trying to get sober and in a relapse cycle, other people’s problems were some theoretical concern that was a not-close second to my immediate ego gratification. I did not give a shit, and honestly I didn’t care much if I died, either. What worked for me, though, was spite – not giving my enemies the pleasure of seeing me fall.

    Spite could be helpful right now. Picture Donald Trump, in all his 300 pounds of dense mass, standing over you as you take that first drink. “I was always right,” he says without laughing, as he never laughs, “You’re weak. Libs like you, weak, lazy.” Do you want Donald Trump to think he’s better than you? How about the maskless crowds begging states to let them kill themselves, and each other? Should these yahoos and sociopaths be allowed to feel morally superior to you? Or picture a little closer to home. Do you want your douchebag ex to hear that you fucked up again? No you do not.

    The time we’ve all spent cooped up indoors losing our gourds has been an achievement which can be measured in days and lives saved. We’ve been doing this for well over thirty days now. In New York and elsewhere, we’ve flattened the curve. Your sobriety is the same. It’s not some fungible commodity that can be lent out and borrowed back at will – it has a character in itself composed in part of a temporal element. Your sobriety after you relapse is not the same as your sobriety before. When you give it up, you give up effort, sacrifice, things you can never get back. That might not feel important now, but it will feel devastating later.

    Look, I am not Mr. Lockdown. I eat loaves of bread as a snack. I stay up most nights until 5 AM and I sleep till 11. I bleached my hair. I play Nintendo Switch and try to get one or two productive hours into a day. My sheets smell like farts. All of this is fine! You do what it takes to make it to the next day. The people doing pilates every morning, learning a second language, making OnlyFans, whatever – they are fine, too. And it’s even fine to hate them!

    “One day at a time” is a relentless cliché in sobriety circles. But right now, it feels appropriate, as all of the stupid sayings eventually do. The world is a miserable place, maybe always, definitely right now. Don’t add to the misery by giving in to the demons you fought so hard to keep at bay. Be strong, stay home, save lives, stay sober. Good luck.

    View the original article at thefix.com

  • Coronavirus, ‘Plandemic’ and the seven traits of conspiratorial thinking

    Learning these traits can help you spot the red flags of a baseless conspiracy theory and hopefully build up some resistance to being taken in by this kind of thinking.

    The conspiracy theory video “Plandemic” recently went viral. Despite being taken down by YouTube and Facebook, it continues to get uploaded and viewed millions of times. The video is an interview with conspiracy theorist Judy Mikovits, a disgraced former virology researcher who believes the COVID-19 pandemic is based on vast deception, with the purpose of profiting from selling vaccinations.

    The video is rife with misinformation and conspiracy theories. Many high-quality fact-checks and debunkings have been published by reputable outlets such as Science, Politifact and FactCheck.

    As scholars who research how to counter science misinformation and conspiracy theories, we believe there is also value in exposing the rhetorical techniques used in “Plandemic.” As we outline in our Conspiracy Theory Handbook and How to Spot COVID-19 Conspiracy Theories, there are seven distinctive traits of conspiratorial thinking. “Plandemic” offers textbook examples of them all.

    Learning these traits can help you spot the red flags of a baseless conspiracy theory and hopefully build up some resistance to being taken in by this kind of thinking. This is an important skill given the current surge of pandemic-fueled conspiracy theories.


    The seven traits of conspiratorial thinking. (John Cook CC BY-ND)

    1. Contradictory beliefs

    Conspiracy theorists are so committed to disbelieving an official account, it doesn’t matter if their belief system is internally contradictory. The “Plandemic” video advances two false origin stories for the coronavirus. It argues that SARS-CoV-2 came from a lab in Wuhan – but also argues that everybody already has the coronavirus from previous vaccinations, and wearing masks activates it. Believing both causes is mutually inconsistent.

    2. Overriding suspicion

    Conspiracy theorists are overwhelmingly suspicious toward the official account. That means any scientific evidence that doesn’t fit into the conspiracy theory must be faked.

    But if you think the scientific data is faked, that leads down the rabbit hole of believing that any scientific organization publishing or endorsing research consistent with the “official account” must be in on the conspiracy. For COVID-19, this includes the World Health Organization, the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the Food and Drug Administration, Anthony Fauci… basically, any group or person who actually knows anything about science must be part of the conspiracy.

    3. Nefarious intent

    In a conspiracy theory, the conspirators are assumed to have evil motives. In the case of “Plandemic,” there’s no limit to the nefarious intent. The video suggests scientists including Anthony Fauci engineered the COVID-19 pandemic, a plot which involves killing hundreds of thousands of people so far for potentially billions of dollars of profit.

    4. Conviction something’s wrong

    Conspiracy theorists may occasionally abandon specific ideas when they become untenable. But those revisions tend not to change their overall conclusion that “something must be wrong” and that the official account is based on deception.

    When “Plandemic” filmmaker Mikki Willis was asked if he really believed COVID-19 was intentionally started for profit, his response was “I don’t know, to be clear, if it’s an intentional or naturally occurring situation. I have no idea.”

    He has no idea. All he knows for sure is something must be wrong: “It’s too fishy.”

    5. Persecuted victim

    Conspiracy theorists think of themselves as the victims of organized persecution. “Plandemic” further ratchets up the persecuted victimhood by characterizing the entire world population as victims of a vast deception, which is disseminated by the media and even ourselves as unwitting accomplices.

    At the same time, conspiracy theorists see themselves as brave heroes taking on the villainous conspirators.

    6. Immunity to evidence

    It’s so hard to change a conspiracy theorist’s mind because their theories are self-sealing. Even absence of evidence for a theory becomes evidence for the theory: The reason there’s no proof of the conspiracy is because the conspirators did such a good job covering it up.

    7. Reinterpreting randomness

    Conspiracy theorists see patterns everywhere – they’re all about connecting the dots. Random events are reinterpreted as being caused by the conspiracy and woven into a broader, interconnected pattern. Any connections are imbued with sinister meaning.

    For example, the “Plandemic” video suggestively points to the U.S. National Institutes of Health funding that has gone to the Wuhan Institute of Virology in China. This is despite the fact that the lab is just one of many international collaborators on a project that sought to examine the risk of future viruses emerging from wildlife.

    Learning about common traits of conspiratorial thinking can help you recognize and resist conspiracy theories.

    Critical thinking is the antidote

    As we explore in our Conspiracy Theory Handbook, there are a variety of strategies you can use in response to conspiracy theories.

    One approach is to inoculate yourself and your social networks by identifying and calling out the traits of conspiratorial thinking. Another approach is to “cognitively empower” people, by encouraging them to think analytically. The antidote to conspiratorial thinking is critical thinking, which involves healthy skepticism of official accounts while carefully considering available evidence.

    Understanding and revealing the techniques of conspiracy theorists is key to inoculating yourself and others from being misled, especially when we are most vulnerable: in times of crises and uncertainty.

    [Get facts about coronavirus and the latest research. Sign up for The Conversation’s newsletter.]

    John Cook, Research Assistant Professor, Center for Climate Change Communication, George Mason University; Sander van der Linden, Director, Cambridge Social Decision-Making Lab, University of Cambridge; Stephan Lewandowsky, Chair of Cognitive Psychology, University of Bristol, and Ullrich Ecker, Associate Professor of Cognitive Science, University of Western Australia

    This article is republished from The Conversation under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article.

  • Capitalizing on Smoking Cessation Could Curb Coronavirus Deaths

    The data we have so far show that smokers are over-represented in COVID19 cases requiring ICU treatment and in fatalities from the disease. 

    Politicians have been hyper-focused on the drug hydroxychloroquine lately, hoping it will be a silver bullet for curbing deaths from coronavirus. Physicians, on the other hand, are less convinced it will be helpful. But we’ve already got a medical intervention that could dramatically alter the course of the pandemic: smoking cessation. Fighting the smoking pandemic could curb coronavirus deaths now and save lives in the years to come. 

    Many people smoke and vape to stay calm. So with rising rates of coronavirus anxiety, it’s no surprise that cigarette and vaping sales are booming. But emerging evidence shows smokers are at a higher risk of serious coronavirus infection. If there were ever a time to quit, it’s now. 

    The data we have so far show that smokers are over-represented in COVID19 cases requiring ICU treatment and in fatalities from the disease. One study from China estimated that smoking is associated with a 14-fold increased odds of COVID-19 infection progressing to serious illness. This might be because smoking increases the density of the lung’s ACE2 receptors, which the coronavirus exploits to infiltrate the body. On top of this, smoking weakens the immune system’s ability to fight the virus, as well as heart and lung tissue. All of this damage increases one’s risk of severe coronavirus infection and death. 

    While less is known about vaping’s relationship to coronavirus, research suggests that it impairs the ability of immune cells in the lung to fight off infection. This appears to be related to solvents used in vaping products and occurs independent of their nicotine content. Vaping also shares another risk factor for coronavirus with smoking—it involves putting something you touch with your hands into your mouth over and over. Unless you’re washing your hands and cleaning your vape religiously, you’re putting yourself at risk. On top of this, we know that many people—especially those who are younger—like to share their vapes, which really increases the chances of catching the virus. 

    Most smokers want to quit and find that their stress levels drop dramatically when they do. Many vapers want to stop too. Quitting alone can be nearly impossible though. Luckily, support is available. Primary care physicians are still working via telehealth, and they have a wide range of effective treatments for what doctors call “tobacco use disorder.” If you can’t reach your doctor, The U.S. Centers for Disease Control has created a national hotline for support and free counselling: 1-800-QUIT-NOW.

    Psychotherapy is one approach to quitting. However, medications such as bupropion and varenicline are also effective and can be obtained with a phone call to your doctor. Nicotine replacement products like gum, lozenges, patches, and inhalers also greatly increase the odds of success and are available over the counter. Few people are aware that you can purchase these with your health savings and flexible spending accounts. 

    34 million people in the US smoke, and there have already been nearly 700,000 documented domestic cases of coronavirus. Given the number of deaths we could face from people smoking during this pandemic, lawmakers should be doing everything they can to make it easier for people to quit. When patients have better insurance coverage for smoking cessation treatments, they’re much more likely to use them and quit smoking. 

    Federal law requires insurers to cover cessation treatments, but they get around this by restricting access through the use of co-pays and limits on the amounts covered, while also forcing physicians to spend hours on the phone getting them to authorize coverage of medication. With people dying by the tens of thousands, Washington needs to close these loopholes now.

    Amid the widespread panic around coronavirus, it’s important that we stay clear-headed and not overlook easy fixes that could save lives. We know that smoking cessation interventions could prevent deaths, so let’s make sure we’re taking advantage of them.

    View the original article at thefix.com

  • 5 Tips for Surviving in an Increasingly Uncertain World

    Nothing is certain in life. The sooner you start thinking about that fact, the easier it will be to face it.

    A recent study showed that North Americans are becoming less tolerant of uncertainty.

    The U.S. presidential impeachment inquiry has added another layer of uncertainty to an already unstable situation that includes political polarization and the effects of climate change.

    As a clinical psychologist in the Washington, D.C. area, I hear people report being stressed, anxious, worried, depressed and angry. Indeed, an American Psychological Association 2017 survey found that 63% of Americans were stressed by “the future of our nation,” and 57% by the “current political climate.”

    Humans dislike uncertainty in most situations, but some deal with it better than others. Numerous studies link high intolerance of uncertainty to anxiety and anxiety disorders, obsessive-compulsive disorder, depression, PTSD and eating disorders.

    While no one person can reduce the uncertainty of the current political situation, you can learn to decrease intolerance of uncertainty by implementing these scientifically sound strategies.

    1. Commit to Gradually Facing Uncertainty

    Even though humans encounter uncertain situations every day, we often avoid feeling the discomfort of facing the uncertainty.

    When unsure how to best proceed with a work assignment, you might either immediately seek help, over-research or procrastinate. As you prepare for the day, uncertainty about the weather or traffic is quickly short-circuited by checking a phone. Similarly, inquiries about family or friends’ whereabouts or emotions can be instantly gratified by texting or checking social media.

    All this avoidance of uncertainty leads to relief in the short run, but lessens your ability to tolerate anything short of complete certainty in the long run.

    Tolerance for uncertainty is like a muscle that weakens if not used. So, work that muscle next time you face uncertainty.

    Start gradually: Resist the urge to reflexively check your GPS the next time you are lost and aren’t pressured for time. Or go to a concert without Googling the band beforehand. Next, try to sit with the feelings of uncertainty for a while before you pepper your teenager with texts when he is running late. Over time, the discomfort will diminish.

    2. Connect to a Bigger Purpose

    Rita Levi-Montalcini was a promising young Jewish scientist when fascists came to power in Italy and she had to go into hiding. As World War II was raging, she set up a secret lab in her parents’ bedroom, studying cell growth. She would later say that the meaning that she derived from her work helped her to deal with the evil outside and with the ultimate uncertainty of whether she would be discovered.

    What gives your life meaning? Finding or rediscovering your life purpose can help you deal with uncertainty and the stress and anxiety related to it.

    Focusing on what can transcend finite human existence – whether it is religion, spirituality or dedication to a cause – can decrease uncertainty-driven worry and depression.

    3. Don’t Underestimate Your Coping Ability

    You might hate uncertainty because you fear how you would fare if things went badly. And you might distrust your ability to cope with the negative events that life throws your way.

    Most people overestimate how bad they will feel when something bad happens. They also tend to underestimate their coping abilities.

    It turns out that humans are generally resilient, even in the face of very stressful or traumatic events. If a feared outcome materializes, chances are you will deal with it better than you could now imagine. Remember that the next time uncertainty rears its head.

    4. Bolster Resilience by Increasing Self-Care

    You have probably heard it many times by now: Sleep well, exercise and prioritize social connections if you want to have a long and happy life.

    What you might not know is that the quantity and quality of sleep is also related to your ability to deal with uncertainty. Exercise, especially of the cardio variety, can increase your capacity to cope with uncertain situations and lower your stress, anxiety and depression. A new review study suggests that regular exercise may even be able to prevent the onset of anxiety and anxiety disorders.

    Possibly the best tool for coping with uncertainty is making sure that you have an active and meaningful social life. Loneliness fundamentally undermines a person’s sense of safety and makes it very hard to deal with the unpredictable nature of life.

    Having even a few close family members or friends imparts a feeling that “we are in this all together,” which can protect you from psychological and physical problems.

    5. Appreciate That Absolute Certainty Is Impossible

    Nothing is certain in life. The sooner you start thinking about that fact, the easier it will be to face it.

    Moreover, repeated attempts at predicting and controlling everything in life can backfire, leading to psychological problems like OCD.

    In spite of civilization’s great progress, the fantasy of humankind’s absolute control over its environment and fate is still just that – a fantasy. So, I say to embrace the reality of uncertainty and enjoy the ride.

    [ You’re smart and curious about the world. So are The Conversation’s authors and editors. You can read us daily by subscribing to our newsletter. ]

    The Conversation

    Jelena Kecmanovic, Adjunct Professor of Psychology, Georgetown University

    This article is republished from The Conversation under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article.

  • 8 Steps for Starting (or Restarting) Discussions About Substance Use Disorder with Loved Ones

    8 Steps for Starting (or Restarting) Discussions About Substance Use Disorder with Loved Ones

    Intervention is never easy. But this step-by-step guide can help you navigate the difficult task of talking to a loved one about their alcoholism or addiction.

    When you know or suspect that a friend or family member has a drug problem, even well-intentioned conversations can turn prickly. Here are eight steps that may help smooth things out and pave the way to productive, respectful, and supportive discussions. Even if you already have a history of bickering and arguing, all is not lost. You can ask for a new start and then follow these steps. 

    1. Keep Calm

    If you’re worked up and agitated, it’ll be almost impossible to have respectful and cooperative dialogue. So, put aside your hurt, scared, or angry feelings. Take a deep breath. The feelings won’t go away, but maybe you can think of them as parked – pushed aside for the time being. Deep conversations that lead to connection and empathy require a measure of self-discipline. It’s difficult to process information and communicate effectively in emotionally charged discussions. 

    2. Set Realistic Expectations

    When you see or suspect a drug problem, you may want to rush to the rescue and fix everything right away. Maybe you think it’s best to demand a commitment to abstinence, or insist upon counseling, or even send the person to rehab. The thing is, no one wants to be “fixed.” The harder you push, the stronger the resistance you’ll encounter. The best way to help someone is to engage their brains – to get them to think things through for themselves and to make their own decisions. So, start with a reasonable and realistic expectation: to open the dialogue and increase mutual understanding. This won’t fix a substance use disorder, but it can improve the situation.

    3. Ask Permission

    It’s common courtesy to find out if someone is receptive to conversation at a particular moment. Start out by saying: “I’d like to talk with you about something that concerns me. Can I do that now? Is this a good time?” Asking permission gives your friend or family member a sense of control over the discussion and a moment to prepare for it. If not now, then you can ask: “When would be a good time?”

    4. Explain Your Plan

    Communication has to be a two-way street. You want to express your own point of view, but you need to also hear the point of view of your loved one. Make it clear that you want a mutual and cooperative exchange of information, and have as much desire to hear your friend or family member’s point of view as to express your own. This is important because communication about drug problems is often one-way, as in: “I know what’s going on and you need to quit drinking (or quit using drugs).”

    You could put it this way: “I’d like to tell you what I’ve been thinking and feeling. I’d like to hear how you see things as well.” When friends and family members are treated with this type of respect, you might be surprised at how much they are willing to disclose.

    5. Start From a Place of Concern

    When you get the go-ahead to talk, start with an expression of concern based on your observations, being as specific as possible about what you have noticed, and your thoughts and feelings about it. You can also talk about how you are affected by the drug or alcohol use. Be sure to pause as you speak to give your partner time to think.

    Here is an example of a well-stated expression of concern that combines observations, thoughts, and feelings:

    “I’m concerned because I’ve noticed you’ve been drinking more often and in larger quantities in the last few months. It seems that you drink every night as soon as you get home from work, and much more than you used to drink. By dinnertime you’re often groggy and a little incoherent. Sometimes, you even fall asleep before dinner, then wake up and start drinking again. 

    “I’m worried because, in my opinion, the amount you drink is unhealthy. I’m also concerned for myself. The drinking seems to interfere with us talking about our lives and enjoying each other’s company. I can’t say it’s all because of the alcohol. There might be other things happening. But it seems to be part of the pattern.”

    Notice that these are “I” statements, as in: I’m concerned; I’ve noticed; and I’m worried. They merely express what the speaker saw, thought, felt, or noticed when certain events occurred. There are no labels or put-downs. They contrast with “You” statements, which are often pronouncements about a “truth,” or a dire prediction about the future:

    • You’re an alcoholic.
    • You drink too much.
    • You’re addicted to opioids.
    • You have a drug problem.
    • You need to quit now.
    • If you don’t quit now, you’ll end up a drunk in the street.

    These “You” statements are opinions that may or may not be true. They are judgmental. Without explanation, they seem arbitrary. Without discussion and an understanding of the other person’s point of view, they come across as arrogant.

    Be careful to steer clear of two pitfalls that could arouse defensiveness:

    • Avoid self-certainty. It kills discussion. You may think you are right. You may be convinced you are right. You may even be right!! But keep an open mind and show some humility. Leave open the possibility that there are other ways to look at what is happening. (There’s always another side to a story.) Until you listen to what your communication partner says, you really don’t have the full picture: You may misunderstand something or not fully understand the situation.  
    • Resist the urge to jump in with advice. It’s too early. You don’t even know what your friend or family member is thinking. Save recommendations and advice for later.

    6. Request Feedback

    You can be sure your friend or family member will have a reaction, perhaps a very emotional one. So, in good faith ask: “What do you think about what I just said?” Also: “Please tell me how you see things.” At this point, you never know what to expect and you’ll have to use your best judgment about how to proceed. If your partner is highly receptive, listen carefully to what is said and then proceed to the next step.

    If your partner gets angry and highly defensive, back off, stay calm, and let some time pass. Take the high road and avoid an argument. Later, when things calm down, you can say: “You know, I told you how I see things. I’d like to know how you see things.” 

    7. Listen to Understand, Not to Argue

    Too often while someone else is talking, people get busy developing their counter-arguments. This transforms a discussion into a debate. While your friend or family member talks, try to listen closely and understand their perception of the issue. You will certainly increase your understanding of your partner, and quite possibly be surprised by what you learn. Maybe the problem is not as big as you thought. Maybe there have been changes you didn’t notice. Maybe you will get some clarity as to why your friend or family member was using drugs. Maybe you’ll discover that your friend or family member is also concerned about the drug use. To the extent you show respect and demonstrate open-mindedness, you serve as a role model to your communication partners.

    8. Seek Mutual Understanding

    Now you can say, “Let’s see if we understand each other.” A good way to do this is by using what is called reflective listening: you make an effort to paraphrase what the other person said, then ask: “Did I understand you correctly?” Then, you allow for clarification. When people reflectively listen to each other, there are two advantages:

    We often get insight when we hear our own thoughts reflected back to us. 

    We think twice when we have to paraphrase what someone else said.

    Reflective listening will force you and your communication partner to think hard about what each of you say. Of course, you hope your loved one will be influenced by your presentation. You can be sure, too, that they want to be understood and hope that you will be open-minded.

    At this point, you have to use your best judgment about what comes next. You could try to calmly discuss differences, now or in the future. You might want to ask if there is anything you could do that your loved one might find helpful. Also, you could politely ask if you can offer advice. Regardless, these eight steps are foundational to a productive dialogue and can stand alone as a measure of success. Savor it and avoid the rush for a quick fix.

    Robert Schwebel, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist who wrote and developed The Seven Challenges program, now widely used across the United States. He is also the author of his soon-to-be released book, Leap of Power: Take Control of Alcohol, Drugs and Your Life.

    View the original article at thefix.com

  • 5 Ways to Process the Death of a Friend in 12-Step Recovery

    5 Ways to Process the Death of a Friend in 12-Step Recovery

    Dealing with the death of a close friend in sobriety can be tough. But if you follow some simple guidelines and take it slow, you can transform a painful trial into a caring tribute that honors their memory.

    When a friend in a 12-step fellowship dies, processing the loss can be challenging, even if the person was sick with a chronic disease or naturally nearing the end of life. The idea that someone might die is very different from the reality of that person dying and being forever gone. 

    Because of the way we share in 12-step groups, we quickly become intimately acquainted with our fellow meeting-goers. We also see our peers regularly—weekly or more frequently—often over years, sometimes decades, in the same rooms and homes and restaurants. The resulting relationship is uniquely strong and meaningful. So when a loss occurs, whether you are working a program or just on the outskirts of meetings, it can be tough to get through. However, if you follow some simple guidelines and take it slow, you can transform a painful trial into a caring tribute that honors their memory. 

    Recently, I lost a sober friend in a 12-step fellowship. Although we rarely saw each other outside of the meetings, there was a close connection between us. His smile helped me overcome a feeling of alienation after I’d moved to a new neighborhood and started to attend new meetings. He made me feel welcome. As a person with the disease of alcoholism or addiction or whatever you want to call that sense of being “other” and “less than” that bubbles up from within, I resisted, especially then, acceptance and comfort when it was offered to me. My new sober friend, a senior citizen in his 70s, helped me overcome this insecurity and feel “part of” a meeting that eventually became my beloved home group. 

    Not that long ago, he was diagnosed with a brain tumor. At least, it seems not that long ago. When it happened, I immediately knew something was wrong. Although his smile remained bright, his health and strength were taken from him. He fought a courageous battle for well over a year. 

    My friend was loved by many, and after he passed, we had to figure out a way to process his death. The guidelines below, which focus on maintaining decency and decorum and avoiding added hurt and unnecessary damage, helped us grieve. (Although these suggestions may be helpful in general, they are specifically meant to be considered within a 12-step context.)

    1) Respect the Spiritual Principle of Anonymity

    The 12th Tradition of Alcoholics Anonymous states: “Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.” The majority of 12-step fellowships have adopted this tradition. In the digital age of mobile technologies and the internet, anonymity needs to be respected beyond the original boundaries of “press, radio, and films.” 

    Although many people, including myself, are quite open about sobriety on social media, others are strict about maintaining anonymity. When a sober friend dies, you may be tempted to post a tribute on their Facebook page, letting the world know that they died sober. Resist the temptation. By taking such an action, you could be violating their anonymity, and revealing something to family or co-workers that they would prefer to have kept anonymous. Also, don’t automatically assume you know all the details, which brings us to number 2.

    2) Never Presuppose a Relapse or Speculate on Causality

    Sadly, people in recovery sometimes return to drug and alcohol use, and sometimes it results in death. Although this was not the case with my friend, I have seen too many people overdose and die or develop fatal diseases because of excessive drinking. However, when a sober friend dies, until you know for sure from a medical report or similar legitimate source, you shouldn’t speculate on whether or not they relapsed. Such speculation is nothing more than gossip, even if you don’t intend it to be. As Aesop wrote in a fable and Thumper later adopted as his motto, “If you can’t say anything nice, then don’t say anything at all.” 

    Even if someone did die as a result of a relapse, do not act like the “wise” sage. It’s not your job to use that knowledge to warn others. Such an attitude raises you above the emotional reality and places your sobriety on a pedestal. And imagine if you are wrong. Then, not only have you damaged a sober friend’s legacy, you have hurt yourself by telling such a story. In these cases, better safe and kind than sorry and foolish. As a member of a 12-step fellowship, I don’t want to point fingers or take other people’s inventories. I don’t want judgment to consume my capacity for love and empathy. 

    Instead, focus on the good: What was special about your friend?

    3) Be Cautious and Respectful When Speaking to the Family

    If you meet a sober friend’s family at a memorial service or funeral organized by them, make sure ahead of time that it’s okay to discuss your friend’s sobriety. Many people remain anonymous even within their own families. They also have friends and co-workers who know nothing about what happened in the past. 

    It’s not your job to enlighten everyone about what a great speaker or sponsor your friend was. You will likely end up creating confusion and uncertainty. And if your friend did not disclose his or her participation in a 12-step program, you could be adding to the family’s already-heavy emotional burden. 

    If you believe the family may not be aware of a sober friend’s 12-step participation, then come up with a story about how you knew each other. Maybe a book club, a favorite activity, or a past introduction through mutual friends. 

    It’s easy to take the focus off of you by talking positively about your friend. You can tell people what a good person he or she was and how much you enjoyed their sense of humor. With my friend who died recently, his family knew about his sobriety and celebrated it. At the same time, people who knew him from 12-step fellowships talked about his business acumen, his lovely smile, and his joking personality. It was not hard to find topics to discuss that were outside of the 12-step context. 

    4) Set Up a Separate Memorial for the 12-Step Fellowship to Mourn and Celebrate a Sober Friend

    Although it makes sense to attend the family’s funeral or memorial service to show your support by being present, it’s a good idea to set up a separate memorial service as well. This second service can focus on your sober friend’s 12-step community. Often there will be a meeting before this kind of memorial service. Then, in the service, people will openly talk about the person’s role in the fellowship, and what gifts he or she brought to the program. The meeting and the service should both be open so that anyone can attend. When you publicize this event, be careful not to use social media in such a way that violates anonymity. In most cases, word-of-mouth at meetings and personal one-on-one communications should be enough to raise awareness. 

    5) Celebrate the Positive and Maintain a Loving Legacy

    Once a sober friend is gone, the best way to process that loss is to celebrate the positive. Rather than focusing on the loss, talk about what that person gave to others and their memorable qualities. My sober friend always made a point to offer a seat next to him to newcomers. He made everyone feel welcome. Today, I do my best to maintain that loving legacy by doing what he did. I keep his smile and his love alive by going outside of my comfort zone, following his example, and acting as he did. 

    As alcoholics and addicts in 12-step fellowships, we are vulnerable to our character defects, and sometimes end up relapsing as a result of them. The process of getting sober is about progress and not perfection, and we make mistakes and fall back into deeply entrenched negative patterns of behavior. The death of a sober friend reminds us of the real, lasting value of our sobriety. We can celebrate the positive while we grieve the loss. We recommit not only to our recovery, but also to practicing the principles that reflect the best qualities of our departed friend. 

    In Memory of Lenny Levy

    View the original article at thefix.com

  • Digital Detox: I Gave Up My Smartphone for 22 Days

    Digital Detox: I Gave Up My Smartphone for 22 Days

    I had no idea how much of an Internet world I’d been living in, comparing my own Internet life with other Internet lives. Compulsively engaging with our smartphones distorts our self-image and objectivity.

    The idea to give up my phone came to me one day when I saw Facebook posts about the 10th anniversary of the death of 21-year-old Casey Feldman, who was killed by a distracted driver. I wanted to do something special to commemorate this, and then realized her anniversary was 22 days before my dad’s. He was also killed by a driver using a phone.

    I announced it on Instagram, knowing I wouldn’t open the app for three weeks to see anyone’s reaction to it: 

    “Because I believe distracted driving starts even before we get into a car, I’ve decided to go on a smartphone cleanse for 22 days every year, starting this year. That means the only phone use I will have is what it was built for—phone calls (and of course, not while driving—hands-free is risk-full!). I hope some of you will join me in this phone-free detox. I’m giving up apps, Instagram, music, podcasts, texting, whatever my phone does that puts it between my eyes and the world, for 22 days every year to honor two very special people who died because of it. I imagine my life will be much friendlier and more productive as a result. We’ll see. I’ll report back here on August 8. Good luck to those of you who join me.”

    Nothing could have prepared me for what came next.

    Week One

    It’s only been six days since I decided to go phone-free (except for calls) for a month, and I’m already happier. On Sunday night, I saw this beautiful sunset and was disappointed in myself when my first instinct was “must post photo of gorgeous sunset”…and of course I couldn’t, because I couldn’t use my phone, not even to take photos. Then I got really happy because I realized I was actually LIVING the sunset, something the compulsion to document everything can interfere with. Also, no more comparing my life to other people’s lives on Instagram or Facebook, and that’s bound to raise someone’s happiness level. 

    I’ve cheated a few times when I had no other option, like when my train was coming and I didn’t have time to buy a ticket. But other than these times, I’ve fought every urge to look at it. If someone texts me who doesn’t know about my cleanse, I politely text back but keep it short. No more novel-long texting sessions, which I’m realizing are nowhere near as effective or connective as a simple phone call. 

    I’m also more present and creative. Ideas for my writing have come to me more clearly—I feel less lost in structuring stories because my brain is more present and I’ve got plenty of time to think about it. I’m more present in pretty much everything I do. There is a clear line now between being on a computer and being out in the world, just like there used to be, before smartphones.

    My conversations are better. Because I’m more present when I’m by myself (i.e., not reading my phone), I’m also more present when I’m with others. I’m a better listener and my stories are better (or so I’m told). I’m operating at peak capacity instead of whatever percentage I was at before. And I’m hella more productive! When I’m sitting at a desk, my brain gets it that this is “work time.” There is a balance, a dividing line between work and rest. 

    In short: Life is so much better. Yes, I’m getting pretty bad FOMO. I guess I just have to trust that whatever I’m missing probably isn’t all that important. And there are still analog ways to do things, we can still exist in the world without being connected 24-7. When I see other people on their phones for entire train rides or walking around (or tonight, when I saw a guy straight-up watching a movie on his phone with giant headphones while RIDING A BIKE), I feel bad for them. I think, Man, I’m sorry life is so uninteresting to you that you have to do this. 

    None of this even begins to address people who have to stay on their phones while driving, the catalyst for my doing this. But I’m beginning to see why the addiction is so hard for them to break. If they weren’t addicted, putting a phone aside would feel like nothing. 

    Week Two

    I’ve had moments during the past week where I felt tempted to use my phone. I did have a few exceptions this week, like brief texts with a friend I was meeting for dinner who didn’t know about the cleanse and emailing a work contact when an assignment was suddenly due. And I’ve used my phone for my alarm clock. 

    But other than that, I haven’t used it at all.

    This means no Googling when I want to know about something. I have to actually think things through and surmise an answer. Not feeling like this gadget requires my constant attention is tremendously freeing. I hadn’t realized how much mental energy I’d been needlessly devoting to it all this time.

    Another interesting development: My animosity towards just about anyone has softened. If someone says something I perceive as troubling, I give them the benefit of the doubt. I’m noticing that with the lack of phone interaction (texts, social media, etc.), I’m thinking in a more civilized manner. I greatly prefer this way of relating—one that allows for shades of gray in people’s motivations. 

    On the flipside, I’ve had a few moments of anxiety that surprised me. I found myself crying profusely twice and feeling great panic and overwhelm a few others. I realized that in my regular life, these emotions are being suppressed. The panic is coming from just plain existing without being able to distract myself with my electronic pacifier. And that’s scary—what other emotions has my smartphone been repressing all this time? 

    Cognitively things are better, too. Creative problems are solved faster. I have more faculties available to me and can think more deeply about them. My vocabulary is better and I have better access to my subconscious, so a writing problem I was struggling with for a year has now been solved. 

    I also suddenly have more hours in a day. Not stopping to photograph everything and then sharing it means I get to experience the thing fully, just by myself or with whoever is next to me, and I get to experience twice as many of those things. 

    Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that sharing things via your phone is a waste of time. Like everything, it’s meant to be a tool to enhance your life, not escape it.

    I had no idea how much of an Internet world I’d been living in, comparing my own Internet life with other Internet lives. It seriously distorts your self-image and objectivity—and sense of gratitude. I am so grateful now for my wonderful life, one I am living, through my own eyes, and not through a screen any longer.

    I can’t wait to see what the next 11 days bring.

    Week Three

    Of course I would manage to schedule driving somewhere new smack in the middle of my 22-day smartphone cleanse. I was invited to speak on a podcast today an hour and a half away.

    When I set out to make the drive, I figured I wouldn’t need GPS at all. It was a straight shoot down the Garden State Parkway, with only two turns at the end. But then I needed to stop for gas. 

    I’d been rehearsing in my head things I might say during the podcast—like how bad technology is for us. And then technology saved me. I turned too soon, into a car wash instead of the Lukoil, and I couldn’t see any way for me to get over there. I pulled over into a gravelly parking lot, put the car in Park, and opened my GPS. It rerouted me and got me where I needed to be. 

    Using GPS is okay. It’s interacting with GPS while driving that’s not. I emailed my podcast hosts to tell them what happened while I was sitting in my parked car at the gas station, which was safe. Doing that while driving would not have been.

    Week Four: The Aftermath

    I’ve been allowing myself all smartphone privileges again for six days now, and it’s been really weird.

    Thursday, the anniversary of my dad’s death, was the last day of my 22-day smartphone cleanse. I experienced it far differently than I have in years past—mostly because I didn’t wake up thinking, What should I write about this on social media? Instead, I talked with my family about it, on the actual phone. There is something about sharing these things online that isn’t sufficient—it almost dissipates the weight of this very private thing. Plus, the responses you get from strangers can never equal the heartfelt responses you get from people who were actually there. 

    On Saturday, just before my cleanse ended, I was walking around my neighborhood and noticed another development—I was looking around more. I was seeing more of my world because the tunnel vision I’d developed from looking at a small screen all the time had gone away. Even six days back from the cleanse, I haven’t returned to it.

    My first time looking at my phone for longer than five minutes was last night. I could feel the addiction start to take hold again, so I imagined a giant X over the phone when I went to bed. After I set my alarm, I flipped it over so I couldn’t see the screen. When I woke up and checked the time, I saw someone had texted me but decided I wouldn’t respond until I’d gotten to work—in fact I wouldn’t use my phone at all until I got to work, just like I did during the cleanse. I’m going to keep doing this.

    One Month Post-Cleanse

    It’s now been four weeks since the end of my experiment, and I’m still not back to using my phone like I was. I don’t use it until I get to work, and I don’t use it after I get into bed at night. I also haven’t gone back to listening to music on my phone. Early on, I realized I wouldn’t be able to make it through the cleanse without music, so I switched to using my iPod. Turns out the audio quality is much better. Plus just listening to music is more enjoyable when you’re not also checking email and reading texts.

    The hardest part is when I can’t sleep. In the past, I’d scroll with my brightness dimmed, hiding the phone below the mattress so as not to wake my husband (an incredibly light sleeper). But now I picture that giant red X over the flipped-over phone along with a big circle around it, “no smoking”-style. And that seems to help.

    Engaging with our smartphones is a never-ending cycle that starts with good intentions. We check it to be sure family members are okay. Next thing we know, we’re checking for texts from our mothers, then work email, then texts and email from friends, then all our various social media accounts. We have our calendars and exercise and music on our phones. And then we’ve got the devastating 24-hours news cycle and you-know-who’s Twitter account. The result is we’re chronically feeling bad about ourselves. 

    We feel like we’re never enough.

    And then before we know it, we’re compulsively checking while driving—when the most compassionate thing we could do for ourselves, our kids in the backseat, and other people out there on the road is be present.

    When we make the effort to actually see others, with our own eyes, we open the door to be seen ourselves.

    We open the door to see ourselves.

    Five quick-and-dirty tips if you want to modify your phone use:

    1. Give it up cold-turkey for a set amount of time. Knowing I had a 22-day deadline helped me stick to it. It’s a misconception that it takes 21 days to start a new habit. Scientists have found it typically takes more like two months or longer. But if you give yourself three weeks, that feels more doable. Even a few days, as you can see from my accounts, can make a big difference.

    2. Do it for someone you love. I did mine for my dad and for a girl I’d never even met who died the same way my dad did. It never would have been enough for me to do it just for my own well-being or the well-being of others. When we do things for honor, it makes our drive stronger. It’s how marathoners finish races when they’ve raised funds for charity at the same time.

    3. Don’t beat yourself up if you slip. Whatever you slip on will teach you a lot about yourself—though I already knew I ran around like a chicken with her head cut off. The idea is to limit the hold the phone has on you, not prohibit use when you legitimately need it. 

    4. Don’t worry about losing social media. People you’re truly close to will understand and bend to fit your new rules. And the people whose voices you miss hearing will become closer again. A novel-long text exchange does little to convey the emotions a five-minute phone call can.

    5. Don’t be scared if emotions appear that you didn’t know were there. Our phones keep us in a perpetual state of reactivity. It’s better to be available to think and process things fully. We become like superheroes when we have our wits about us—able to be aware and help others, able to talk to strangers and make new friends, able to think an idea all the way through, able to appreciate the beauty of a songbird or a tree or a new house going up. As small as our worlds might feel without constant awareness of all those other worlds online, it’s easier to feel gratitude and that our life is a good life—and we are the ones leading it. 

    View the original article at thefix.com

  • Taking Care of Your Mental Health in Sobriety

    Taking Care of Your Mental Health in Sobriety

    Pre-sobriety, alcohol and drugs often serve as coping mechanisms. When you quit, you’ll need different kinds of mental and emotional support. Make sure you have tools and solutions in place.

    PSA: there’s some text missing from the headlines popping up lately that show quitting drinking improves women’s mental health. 

    Essentially, the findings of the Canadian Medical Association Journal are that not drinking at all is actually better for your health than drinking when you’re stressed, no matter how much you want to lean into the whole a-glass-of-red-wine-a-day-is-good-for-you thing.

    But it’s not that simple. There’s no foolproof formula like: “If I stop drinking, then my mental health will improve” (as nice as that would be).

    For many of us, there’s legwork necessary for improving our mental health when we stop drinking and using drugs, in addition to simply stopping. When you stop drinking for an extended period of time (for some of us that may mean 24 hours, others, 4 weeks or 3 months), you may realize that you have symptoms of alcoholism or drug addiction, and the work you need to do to live a healthier life without substances will be outlined for you at a rehab facility, in a 12-step program, or via another form of recovery. 

    Or you may realize you are more of a problem drinker, who feels uncomfortable without a drink at meals, social gatherings, or after a long day, but you want to give it up for lifestyle or health reasons. You also likely have work to do for your mental health. 

    Why? Well, it was making you happy. It relaxed you. It calmed your anxiety. It signified fun, the loss of some inhibition, made things just a bit warmer and brighter and easier. It was a reward, it was something to do, and it was a way to cope with stress; not just day-to-day stress, but the stress of memories and past events that you carry around without even knowing and need to let go of. 

    If you respond internally with “Oh, darn, oh well” to the idea of a lifetime without Rosé all day, this may not pertain to you. But no matter why you drink or how often, alcohol is doing something for you. If you give it up, you may need to find another way of getting that need met. We all have (or had) our reasons, whether we’re aware of them or not, for drinking. And if it’s not just something we can just choose to leave in the interest of a more mindful yogi life or healthier gut, then it’s something we probably need to look at. 

    I spent a few years in my late teens and early twenties trying to stop drinking on my own. I was already in very strong recovery from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)—but I had no idea what I was in for when I took alcohol and weed out of the equation. If I wasn’t already in therapy, forget it—I don’t think I could have done it. 

    But what helped me the most back then were the steps, the social supports, reaching out for help, having places to go and people to see where alcohol was not present, and the continued ability to work on myself—and some other issues I didn’t know I had until I’d stopped drowning them in “social” drinks. 

    In your first few months to a year of stopping drinking, you’re going to need more than just a positive attitude to stay mentally healthy—especially because life will come slap it right out of you one day without warning, as life tends to do. 

    Here’s how you can make sure you’re prepared for anything. 

    Professional Help

    While not all therapists are amazing, the right therapist can pretty much be a hero in your life—someone who listens to you, makes you feel heard, and makes themselves available to you via text and email when you’re in crisis. These therapists guide you, challenge you, and help you grow. 

    A good therapist will see issues that drinking masked. 

    My roster included PTSD, Pre-Menstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD), and I fit the bill for a few symptoms of other overlapping issues. Specific therapy, targeted therapy, is crucial for a strong recovery. For me, that meant Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), but a therapist who specializes in addiction can also be a valuable asset. 

    We have to learn new ways of being in the world from people who understand what we’re going through and who can be objective, reliable, and helpful supports, and while seeking comfort and wisdom from our friends and family is invaluable, nothing can take the place of professional help. 

    Social Support and Community

    It’s important to lean not just on the friends you have already, but please, find a meet up, a meeting, even a local non-drinkers’ gathering where you can slowly start to form a group of contacts you can call, text, or hang out with who know how to deal with some of the issues you may experience.

    At a 12-step meeting, you can word-vom literally everything going on to a stranger, but it’s a good idea to take more care and go slower when establishing lighthearted dishing with other folks who don’t drink but who don’t identify as “addicts or alcoholics.” 

    As for your “drinking” and “using” and “partying” friends—just start to bring some awareness into the picture when you’re around them. Do they still want to hang out and do something if you’re not drinking, or going to a club or a bar? When we change, the people in our lives either change with us, or we realize we’re heading in a different direction. 

    Self-Care

    Self-care has become such a buzzword that we kind of just make it fit anywhere:

    Bath time! Self-care.

    Massage! Self-care. 

    Five gluten-free, vegan cupcakes! Self-care.

    All of these things (except maybe keep an eye on the cupcake count because sugar) qualify, and they’re wonderful. Start to figure out what makes you feel good—as you’re doing it, and not just as a means to an end. 

    Note: if you hate massages, that is not self-care. 

    But if you like to read, setting aside time from your busy schedule to spend a couple hours with a good book is a great example of self-care.

    Saying no to events you don’t want to go to when you’re exhausted—unless it’s for a good friend, or you might lose your job if you refuse—is self-care. 

    Meditation: This is terrifying at first, but it’s really not so bad if you ease into it, like sticking your toe in the temperature-regulated hotel pool. You can start with two minutes a day, and you can use an app to help you along, offering everything from vocal guidance to a gentle gong to signify the end of a timed silent session. As far as guided meditations go, they’re now specific to everything from commuting to being sick and there’s even one that addresses nervousness about meditating. And there are devices available to help, like a headband that can track your level of calm and bring your awareness back to your breath with nature sounds.

    Exercise and diet: You’ve got to keep moving. You may already be in shape, or you may be “out of shape,” but in addition to giving yourself permission to replace the sugar in alcohol with the sugar in doughnuts, it’s time to start treating your body better, since there is such a strong connection between your microbiome (gut), your brain (the prefrontal cortex reacts to processed sugar the same way it reacts to opioids—by triggering dopamine) and your overall feeling of being healthy, especially mentally healthy. You don’t need to become someone who runs a 5K or hits the gym every day and pretends to like it. But keeping your body in motion and eating healthier will yield many benefits, some immediate and some that you’ll see over time, including better sleep, improved mood, stress relief, and more. 

    Upgrade Your PPTs (people, places, things) 

    New life, new people, new things, new places, new activities. It doesn’t make sense to keep hanging out at bars anymore, and there’s a difference between showing up to a bridal shower where other women may be drinking and heading to your old haunt where the only thing to do is drink, especially after a stressful day.

    Start to discover the world around you. Try taking some classes, visit new neighborhoods and cultural institutions. See if you can pick up new hobbies or dig deeper into old ones. Use social media and the Internet to track down other people doing the same.

    It can be hard, as an adult, to make new friends, but it’s not impossible. Go somewhere people chat. A dog run or park (if you have a dog or even if you’re just “considering” getting one and gathering information), a meet up for people who love anime, a writer’s collective. Join Facebook groups or browse Meetup and see what’s out there! Taking a class by yourself is also a great way to double down: not only will you learn something new, but you’ll find others who share your interest, maybe even someone else who was also badass enough to show up solo. 

    Logistical Stability

    It’s important to have a healthy eat, sleep, work, play routine, and if you don’t have one, it’s time to make one. 

    You may already have a job that you need to turn your attention to even more deeply, and you may have a passion project you want to add into the mix. Most importantly, you should get involved with volunteer work—you don’t have to serve food at a soup kitchen; maybe you can offer your writing skills to a nonprofit, or if you know graphic design you can help them build their new website. 

    If you don’t have a steady job, look for one—a sober job is often referred to as one that isn’t our dream career, but is a place that we have to show up to regularly, keeps us accountable, provides an environment to socialize with others, and is a way for us to earn honest money. 

    If your current job makes you so unhappy it contributed to your drinking, maybe look around for something better and if you feel you’re ready, go for that dream job.

    Also, make sure your housing situation is safe and affordable, and conducive to your new way of life (i.e., if you chose your roommates because they party 24/7, it might be time to look for a new place).

    Bottom line: It’s dangerous for people who might be using alcohol or drugs to self-medicate depression or other underlying conditions to give up that medication without other supports, tools, and solutions in place. Your life is going to get bigger and better, and you’re going to get healthier—but as with all good things that don’t create a false feeling of safety and happiness, you have to do a little work to get there.

    View the original article at thefix.com

  • 5 Tips for Staying Sober at Events Where Everyone Else Is Drinking

    5 Tips for Staying Sober at Events Where Everyone Else Is Drinking

    You don’t have to miss out on all the fun, just the part you thought was fun but always ended in trouble.

    Summer is well under way! Everyone wants to be a part of grilling out, parties, concerts, and outings with friends. Often these events include alcohol use. Fear of missing out (FOMO) is a real feeling people struggle with in sobriety. What will I do with my free time? Will I have to find new activities? Will my friends abandon me on weekends? You won’t lose this fear when you first make the choice to go sober; you might not ever lose it.

    Imagine any of the following scenarios: 

    – A friend invites you to an open bar bash.

    – Your favorite band is playing as part of a daylong music festival where folks start drinking in the morning.

    – All of your relatives are coming to the traditional drink-till-you-puke Memorial Day pool party. 

    What can you do? I don’t advocate putting yourself in a position where you might compromise your sobriety, such as attending an event like Beerfest, where the focus is solely on drinking. But you can enjoy events that include alcohol while staying sober. You need to prepare appropriately and know your limits during the event to set yourself up for success.

    You can easily fill your calendar with sober events and dry venues. There are various recovery groups and organizations that throw “sober” parties. I’ve been to many and they are as good as the effort you put into having a good time. You can check meetup.com or google sober events in your city to find them.

    I spent the first year of my sobriety quietly healing and feeling bitter that I couldn’t participate in the drunken stupidity I had always been a part of. But I haven’t shied away from events since then. I’ve learned it’s important to do some thinking and planning ahead of the event. Arm yourself and have a strategy – think about who you’ll be with, how you will respond if asked to drink, what you’ll do if you start feeling an urge, and most importantly, how you’ll have your own special fun at the event.

    I recently attended a weekend-long music festival. The venue had alcohol and many people started drinking when they arrived and kept going. I felt urges at times, but they weren’t unexpected. Since I had prepared myself, I knew how to handle them. 

    Here are some specific ways I approached the weekend and similar events since becoming sober five years ago.

    1. Get a Support Person

    Attend the event with someone you trust to look out for you. Perhaps this person is also sober, or perhaps you will be their designated driver. I’ve had many people play this role over the past five years. The common thread is that each person knew I wanted to avoid drinking. I felt accountable to them and they felt accountable to check in with me.

    I had my 17-year-old daughter as my support person for the music festival weekend. She’s aware that I’m sober and have struggled with alcohol abuse. While I didn’t explicitly ask her to support me, I knew I was accountable to her and responsible for her safety. Attending the festival was my gift to her, so her presence was required. Her age restricted her from purchasing alcohol so we were already on the same page on alcohol consumption. 

    2. Have a Line Ready: “I Don’t Drink.”

    There’s nothing actually complicated about telling people you don’t drink, but it might feel complicated. I understand the turmoil you might feel when someone either offers you a drink or asks what you’re drinking. That moment feels like you have a spotlight shining on you while the crowd breathlessly awaits your answer. You need an automatic way you can refuse the offer, a canned response you can use without thinking. My response is always “I don’t drink.” Nothing complicated, nothing hedging, nothing apologetic. You aren’t wracking your brain for an excuse. You don’t need one. I assure you, anyone worth your time doesn’t care that you aren’t drinking alcohol.

    I stood in the same line to get my seltzer at the festival as the people getting their beer and liquor. Plenty of already lubricated people offered to buy me a beer. “No thanks, I don’t drink.” That’s all it took.

    3. Get a Drink – Something Without Alcohol

    I love ice cold club soda or seltzer water. I slam these back as fast as the bartender can make them. Add a twist of lime or some grapefruit juice and I’m sipping on something sweet along with everyone else guzzling Long Islands or Gin and Tonics. I don’t feel left out, and you shouldn’t either. I’ve never encountered a judgmental bartender, although I made that a barrier in my mind before I started attending events sober. I was sure the bartender would laugh at me; probably ignore me for future drink requests. Never happened. I still get to tip for service. I still get to relax and sip. 

    You can start with making some mocktails or non-alcoholic drinks at home so you know what you’d like to order. Perhaps you’re a simple cola or lemon-lime soda drinker. That’s fine. I personally don’t recommend non-alcohol beer – I found it makes me crave the real thing, which is dangerous when it’s available. Experimenting at home will give you a feel for the taste and action of drinking various non-alcoholic options, but in a safer setting.

    Sometimes sipping club soda or coke without rum leads to stressful conversations with drunk people as the night wears on. I’ve had countless conversations with people about why I’m drinking “Perry Air (Perrier)” and why I don’t choose something alcoholic. I do my best to not act offended on the outside even though I am offended on the inside. No one needs to know what the fuck I’m drinking. But it’s not the time or place to set the person straight. I look at this as a misery loves company situation: Someone gets drunk enough and realizes how miserable they are, so they want to spread the cheer. Fuck them and walk away. (See the next suggestion.)

    I was pleased that I didn’t encounter anyone trashed at the music festival. I drank my seltzers and relaxed. I’d prepared for the worst, considering the heat and length of the event. I was ready to leave if anything felt too uncomfortable or anyone became confrontational. I avoid trouble when I’m sober.

    4. Remove Yourself from the Situation When Necessary

    You are responsible for your sobriety and the choices you make and you need to be aware of your limits. You will learn which situations intensify your cravings to drink. In the beginning, you might try setting time limits: spend one hour at a bar and then check in with yourself to see if you think you’re okay to stay longer. If you begin feeling overwhelmed, you need to have a plan in place. Your support person should be aware that you will leave an event as soon as you feel uncomfortable or vulnerable.

    I knew I’d have several cravings over the course of the music festival weekend. I had one as soon as I parked and saw people pre-gaming with 24-ounce cans of swill in the parking lot. As badly as I wanted to join them, I knew I couldn’t. I had my daughter next to me. We walked to the nearest gas station and bought a coffee, which helped. I followed that up with some texts to a supportive friend who replied that I was certainly not going to let a temporary craving prevent me from hitting my fifth full year of sobriety. She was right, I wasn’t. The cravings went away and the music played on. The weekend went well.

    5. Treat Yourself

    Here’s a fun one. Focus on giving yourself the best time you can without alcohol. If you’re at a sporting event or concert in the U.S., you are saving at least $8 for each drink you don’t have. Reward yourself. Repurpose some of that money for other tasty treats. Most venues have plenty of tempting snack and meal options, easy replacements for drinks, hangover not included.

    Another strategy is to track what you don’t spend. For example, you went to a concert and didn’t drink five beers. That’s a $40 savings so spend $40 on something to spoil yourself or a gift for someone else. Or spend $20 and save $20. You’ll quickly reach high numbers, while realizing you wasted a terrible amount of money on alcohol.

    I used the money I saved from not purchasing alcohol at the weekend festival to justify buying my daughter additional memorabilia during our trip. Win-win.

    Enjoy Yourself

    I’ve struggled to have fun on more than one occasion. You can lose track of the point of going out when you focus on what you can’t do. I used to imagine there was a spotlight focused on me when I’d order my seltzer with lime, cue sound of record scratching, and then I was done for. I can’t promise you’ll have a great time not drinking while others are, or focusing on staying sober while alcohol is around. But I do know that you can still attend events with alcohol if you come prepared. You don’t have to miss out on all the fun, just the part you thought was fun but always ended in trouble.

    You deserve to be with your friends. You deserve to listen to live music. You deserve to be at family gatherings, and you deserve the respect of yourself and others. You’ve likely overcome mountain-sized challenges already. With some planning and structure in place, you can have the social life you deserve.

    View the original article at thefix.com