Believe in yourself. Tell yourself that you deserve happiness, joy, success, and a life free from the pain of trauma and addiction. You are worth your recovery.
In my forty-five years, I enjoyed twelve years of quasi-normal childhood, which ended abruptly when I was raped. I spent the next ten years in a dangerous dance with addiction, suicide attempts, and more trauma. But then I reached a turning point, and my past twenty-three years have been spent healing and learning what works for me in building long-term recovery.
There is no standard set of blueprints for long-term recovery, as everyone is different, but I have identified five pillars that have enabled me to build on a strong foundation of recovery. My daily choice not to use substances forms that foundation, and these rock-solid pillars stabilize that recovery into an impenetrable structure. These five pillars are not unique, and they do require work, but once built, they will stabilize your recovery fortress.
1. Maintain rigorous honesty. In addiction, our lives were built upon lies and false narratives we told ourselves and others. But recovery demands honesty—only when we can admit the truth can we begin to heal. I had to get honest with myself about my addiction. I had to own it and then take a brutally honest assessment of my life. We cannot build a sustainable recovery on a false narrative. When we lie, we enable sickness, secrets, shame, and suffering.
Dishonesty makes us vulnerable in all the wrong ways, but honesty conjures the true vulnerability we require to discover authenticity. Start practicing honesty in all your interactions—beginning with yourself. This must be the first pillar because without honesty, the rest will crumble. Anything created in a lie is chaos, and anything created in chaos will end in chaos.
2. Expose your secrets. You cannot soak in the joy of today if your soul is still filled with yesterday’s garbage. Take out that trash. For me, this meant diving deep and pulling forth all the trauma, pain, and sorrow that I had packed tightly away. I thought this was for my benefit—why bring up old stuff? But in fact my secrets were keeping me sick. They were smoldering under this new foundation I was building in recovery, threating to burn it all down.
Secrets require silence to thrive, and they allow shame to fester inside of us. Shame is an emotional cancer that, if left untreated, will destroy our recovery. I began by slowly exposing my secrets in my journal. At first, it was the only safe space for me. As I began to trust others in recovery, I began to share those secrets, and the smoldering was extinguished by their compassion and understanding. Begin exposing your own secrets. What thoughts and memories are you afraid to give voice to? Those are the secrets that will keep you sick if you do not get them out.
3. Let go. All those secrets take up a tremendous amount of space in our mind, body, and soul. We must find ways to process that pain into something productive, useful, and healing. You must unleash this pain so it no longer occupies your mind, body, and soul. When you do this, you make room for hope, light, love, and compassion.
Writing is my release. But when physical emotional energy rises in me, I need more intense physical activity to push the energy out of my body. I use a spin bike and weightlifting, but you might run, walk, or practice yoga—any activity that gets your heart rate up and helps you sweat, which I think of as negative energy flowing out. When I do this, I am calmer, I am kinder, and I am more the person I want to be. Meditation is another way for me to simply let go and sit with myself when my thoughts are plaguing me or I feel stuck emotionally. I often use mediational apps, guided mediations, or music to help me meditate. When you find what works for you, do it daily. Recovery is like a muscle; when it is flexed, it remains strong.
4. Remember you aren’t alone. Connection is core to feeling hopeful. By interacting with other trauma survivors and others in recovery, you become part of a group of people with similar experiences who have learned how to survive. Being able to share those pieces of your past with others is incredibly powerful. Seek out support groups in your area, attend meetings, reconnect with healthy people from your past, and pursue activities you enjoy to help you meet like-minded people. Create the circle of people you want in your life—the ones who will hold you accountable yet provide you with unconditional support and love, without judgment.
In our addiction, we push these people away. We run from them because they act like mirrors to our dishonesty. In recovery, these people become the ones we turn to when things get hard. Even one such person in your life—a family member, friend, sponsor, or trusted colleague—can make a difference. Surround yourself with those who seek to build you up.
5. Know you matter. In order to grow, heal, and build upon your recovery foundation, you have to believe you are worth it, that you deserve joy and love. At some point in your recovery, you will have to rely on yourself to get through a rough patch. When this happened to me, I had to really dig down and get to know myself. I had to strip away all the false narratives I used to define myself, all the ways I presented myself to the world and to myself. Who was I? What did I love about myself, and what brought me enough joy to feel worthiness?
I now know what I need to feel calm, to feel beautiful, and to feel deserving of this amazing life of recovery. I matter, and my life in recovery matters so much. It is this core truth that makes me fight for my recovery, my sanity, my marriage, and my job, because they are all worth it. I am worth the fight, and so are you. Believe in yourself. Tell yourself that you deserve happiness, joy, success, and a life free from the pain of trauma and addiction. You are worth your recovery. It is the foundation on which you build your new life.
Building any structure requires hard work, and recovery is no different. While we each require different tools and plans to create them, these five pillars will sustain our recovery from trauma and addiction.
Jennifer Storm’s Awakening Blackout Girl: A Survivor’s Guide for Healing from Addiction and Sexual Trauma is now available at Amazon and elsewhere.
Learning these traits can help you spot the red flags of a baseless conspiracy theory and hopefully build up some resistance to being taken in by this kind of thinking.
The conspiracy theory video “Plandemic” recently went viral. Despite being taken down by YouTube and Facebook, it continues to get uploaded and viewed millions of times. The video is an interview with conspiracy theorist Judy Mikovits, a disgraced formervirology researcher who believes the COVID-19 pandemic is based on vast deception, with the purpose of profiting from selling vaccinations.
The video is rife with misinformation and conspiracy theories. Many high-quality fact-checks and debunkings have been published by reputable outlets such as Science, Politifact and FactCheck.
As scholars who research how to counter science misinformation and conspiracy theories, we believe there is also value in exposing the rhetorical techniques used in “Plandemic.” As we outline in our Conspiracy Theory Handbook and How to Spot COVID-19 Conspiracy Theories, there are seven distinctive traits of conspiratorial thinking. “Plandemic” offers textbook examples of them all.
Learning these traits can help you spot the red flags of a baseless conspiracy theory and hopefully build up some resistance to being taken in by this kind of thinking. This is an important skill given the current surge of pandemic-fueled conspiracy theories.
The seven traits of conspiratorial thinking. (John Cook CC BY-ND)
1. Contradictory beliefs
Conspiracy theorists are so committed to disbelieving an official account, it doesn’t matter if their belief system is internally contradictory. The “Plandemic” video advances two false origin stories for the coronavirus. It argues that SARS-CoV-2 came from a lab in Wuhan – but also argues that everybody already has the coronavirus from previous vaccinations, and wearing masks activates it. Believing both causes is mutually inconsistent.
But if you think the scientific data is faked, that leads down the rabbit hole of believing that any scientific organization publishing or endorsing research consistent with the “official account” must be in on the conspiracy. For COVID-19, this includes the World Health Organization, the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the Food and Drug Administration, Anthony Fauci… basically, any group or person who actually knows anything about science must be part of the conspiracy.
3. Nefarious intent
In a conspiracy theory, the conspirators are assumed to have evil motives. In the case of “Plandemic,” there’s no limit to the nefarious intent. The video suggests scientists including Anthony Fauci engineered the COVID-19 pandemic, a plot which involves killing hundreds of thousands of people so far for potentially billions of dollars of profit.
4. Conviction something’s wrong
Conspiracy theorists may occasionally abandon specific ideas when they become untenable. But those revisions tend not to change their overall conclusion that “something must be wrong” and that the official account is based on deception.
When “Plandemic” filmmaker Mikki Willis was asked if he really believed COVID-19 was intentionally started for profit, his response was “I don’t know, to be clear, if it’s an intentional or naturally occurring situation. I have no idea.”
He has no idea. All he knows for sure is something must be wrong: “It’s too fishy.”
5. Persecuted victim
Conspiracy theorists think of themselves as the victims of organized persecution. “Plandemic” further ratchets up the persecuted victimhood by characterizing the entire world population as victims of a vast deception, which is disseminated by the media and even ourselves as unwitting accomplices.
It’s so hard to change a conspiracy theorist’s mind because their theories are self-sealing. Even absence of evidence for a theory becomes evidence for the theory: The reason there’s no proof of the conspiracy is because the conspirators did such a good job covering it up.
7. Reinterpreting randomness
Conspiracy theorists see patterns everywhere – they’re all about connecting the dots. Random events are reinterpreted as being caused by the conspiracy and woven into a broader, interconnected pattern. Any connections are imbued with sinister meaning.
For example, the “Plandemic” video suggestively points to the U.S. National Institutes of Health funding that has gone to the Wuhan Institute of Virology in China. This is despite the fact that the lab is just one of many international collaborators on a project that sought to examine the risk of future viruses emerging from wildlife.
Learning about common traits of conspiratorial thinking can help you recognize and resist conspiracy theories.
Critical thinking is the antidote
As we explore in our Conspiracy Theory Handbook, there are a variety of strategies you can use in response to conspiracy theories.
Understanding and revealing the techniques of conspiracy theorists is key to inoculating yourself and others from being misled, especially when we are most vulnerable: in times of crises and uncertainty.
While hand-washing is preferred, hand sanitizers with at least a 60% alcohol concentration can be an effective alternative to always using soap and water, but only if your hands are not visibly soiled.
Editor’s note: The World Health Organization has declared that COVID-19, the disease caused by the new coronavirus, has a higher fatality rate than the flu. As of March 4, 2020, nine deaths have been reported in the U.S. Brian Labus, a professor of public health, provides essential safety information for you, from disinfectants to storing food and supplies.
1. What can I do to prevent becoming infected?
When people are sick with a respiratory disease like COVID-19, they cough or sneeze particles into the air. If someone is coughing near you, the virus could easily land on your eyes, nose or mouth. These particles travel only about six feet and fall out of the air rather quickly. However, they do land on surfaces that you touch all the time, such as railings, doorknobs, elevator buttons or subway poles. The average person also touches their face 23 times per hour, and about half of these touches are to the mouth, eyes, and nose, which are the mucosal surfaces that the COVID-19 virus infects.
We public health professionals can’t stress this enough: Proper hand-washing is the best thing you can do to protect yourself from a number of diseases including COVID-19. While hand-washing is preferred, hand sanitizers with at least a 60% alcohol concentration can be an effective alternative to always using soap and water, but only if your hands are not visibly soiled.
The best way to wash your hands.
2. Wouldn’t it be easier just to clean surfaces?
Not really. Public health experts don’t fully understand the role these surfaces play in the transmission of disease, and you could still be infected by a virus that landed directly on you. We also don’t know how long the coronavirus that causes COVID-19 can survive on hard surfaces, although other coronaviruses can survive for up to nine days on hard surfaces like stair railings.
Frequent cleaning could remove the virus if a surface has been contaminated by a sick person, such as when someone in your household is sick. In these situations, it is important to use a disinfectant that is thought to be effective against the COVID-19 virus. Although specific products have not yet been tested against COVID-19 coronavirus, there are many products that are effective against the general family of coronaviruses. Cleaning recommendations using “natural” products like vinegar are popular on social media, but there is no evidence that they are effective against coronavirus.
You also have to use these products properly in accordance with the directions, and that typically means keeping the surface wet with the product for a period of time, often several minutes. Simply wiping the surface down with a product is usually not enough to kill the virus.
In short, it isn’t possible to properly clean every surface you touch throughout your day, so hand-washing is still your best defense against COVID-19.
3. What about wearing masks?
While people have turned to masks as protection against COVID-19, masks often provide nothing more than a false sense of security to the wearer. The masks that were widely available at pharmacies, big-box stores and home improvement stores – until a worried public bought them all – work well at filtering out large particles like dust. The problem is that the particles that carry the COVID-19 virus are small and easily move right through dust masks and surgical masks. These masks may provide some protection to other people if you wear one while you are sick – like coughing into a tissue – but they will do little to protect you from other sick people.
N95 masks, which filter out 95% of the small, virus-containing particles, are worn in health care settings to protect doctors and nurses from exposure to respiratory diseases. These masks provide protection only if they are worn properly. They require special testing to ensure that they provide a seal around your face and that air doesn’t leak in the sides, defeating the purpose of the mask. People wearing the mask also must take special steps when removing the mask to ensure that they are not contaminating themselves with the viral particles that the mask filtered out. If you don’t wear the mask properly, don’t remove it properly or put it in your pocket and reuse it later, even the best mask won’t do you any good.
4. Should I stockpile food and supplies?
As a general preparedness step, you should have a three-day supply of food and water in case of emergencies. This helps protect from disruptions to the water supply or during power outages.
While this is great general preparation advice, it doesn’t help you during a disease outbreak. There is no reason to expect COVID-19 to cause the same damage to our infrastructure that we Americans would see after an earthquake, hurricane or tornado, so you shouldn’t plan for it in the same way. While you don’t want to run out of toilet paper, there is no reason to buy 50 packages.
A Wuhan-type quarantine is extremely unlikely, as a quarantine won’t stop the spread of a disease that has been found all over the world. The types of disruptions that you should plan for are small disruptions in your day-to-day life. You should have a plan in case you or a family member gets sick and you can’t leave the house for a few days. This includes stocking up on basic things you need to take care of yourself, like food and medicines.
If you do get sick, the last thing you are going to want to do is run to the grocery store, where you would expose other people to your illness. You shouldn’t wait until you are out of an important medication before requesting a refill just in case your pharmacy closes for a couple days because all their employees are sick. You also should plan for how to handle issues like temporary school or day care closures. You don’t need to prepare anything extreme; a little common-sense preparation will go a long way to make your life easier if you or your loved ones become sick.
The way of living I have found in sobriety helps me live differently and more beneficially on a day to day basis. This has made for a good life.
I got sober at 29, ten years ago this month. Here are ten ways in which life is drastically different for me now:
1. Every Morning, I Wake Up Clean and Safe
This was not the case for so many years. I have awoken in people’s yards, in stranger’s homes, in cars, with black and blues and broken busted cheeks, with my things stolen or missing, in a jail cell, once in an FBI interrogation office, and countless times in a puddle of my own piss.
2. I’m Never Bored
Seriously, it’s true. For me the notion of getting sober meant a boring life and this was at the top of my list for reasons not to change. But the truth is that I was really bored the last few years I was still using. Bored and exhausted at the same time. In recovery I have learned that my ideas are actually things that can materialize and not just stay mostly conversations on a barstool that might move into reality at a snail’s pace. Today there are not enough hours in the day. I am writing a book, I have a full-time career that’s perfect for me, I see friends daily, I make time for art, I take care of my cats and dog, I have a hundred goals I plan on seeing through. There is no time for withdrawal or hangovers today. I am anything but bored. I am actually alive now.
3. I Prefer This Way of Living
I have some problems and I know what they are: I am impulsive and struggle to think things through, I love chaos and excitement, I live mostly in the past and the future, I am a people pleaser, I obsess about things and about people and I can be really hard on myself. These are all survival skills that helped me in the past somehow but hold me back from reaching my potential. I wish I could say they have changed but they seem to be my autopilot, deeply embedded behaviors. I never graduate my recovery program. The way of living I have found in sobriety helps me live differently and more beneficially on a day to day basis. This has made for a good life.
4. As Long As I Stay sober, I Will Never Have to Be Alone Ever Again
I am surrounded by love and not alone. Before I got sober, I was instead surrounded by people who drank like me. Friends who didn’t drink like me were distant in contact and grew into their own lives understandably. I felt very alone. Not the case anymore. The bonds I have made over time with people in my program of recovery are strong and plentiful. These bonds are strong like those of a cult but I don’t have to give up my dreams, paychecks, and outside contacts. During the darkest times in my sobriety, these people are there. They check up on me as I do them. They want me around on the holidays, want to grieve my losses with me and celebrate my successes. It’s such a gift to know I will never have to feel alone again if I stay sober. And if I don’t stay sober, which of course is always a possibility, they will undoubtedly help me if I want to get sober again.
5. I Am Well Aware That Alcohol and Drugs Will Not Make It Better
Without them it turned out I was pretty sick. At two years sober I was controlled by relentless anxiety and fear. Now I understand my trauma reactions and why I was abusing substances the way I was. Without numbing out my thoughts raced all of the time, my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder which I struggled with much of my life got so much worse and I started to try and obsessively “fix” people and situations for which in reality I had minimal control over. My body ached from being on high alert constantly. At ten years sober I am aware that when my outside world is stressed and overwhelmed, my warped stress response system goes into survival mode trying desperately to make sense of things by detective work, compulsive checking and seeking out ways to feel safe. Alcohol and drugs used to calm my system and was helpful until it started being more harmful than helpful. Now when I am caught up in my stress response system, I have learned how to ease it without abusing substances. and sometimes I just have to hang on, knowing it will pass.
6. I Realize I’m Intelligent and Very Capable
Much of my life I was considered to have learning disabilities and was even voted “most clueless” in my high school yearbook, yes, I still remember that bull&8%#- class of 1999. Through all the testing over the years I received for learning problems no one ever asked about what life was like at home. Due to early childhood loss and trauma my amygdala was working on overdrive and controlled by fear as I was worried all the time that something bad was going to happen to one of my family members or to me. This makes concentrating in a classroom setting pretty impossible. Today I have graduated college with honors, hold a Master’s degree and subsequent license and I am an expert in my specific field. Go figure.
7. I Now Have Help from Hundreds of Higher Powers That Do Not Screw Me Over Like Using Did
The whole concept of the Higher Power thing annoyed and angered me prior to sobriety. I wasn’t against there being some meaning to the universe, but I did not respect some of the older recovery literature and signage in 12 step meetings which I thought assumed the higher power was “God” and was male. Luckily, I found many recovery type meetings which welcomed a much expanded and evolved idea of what a Higher Power is. Today a few of the powers outside of myself that I rely on to stay sane, sober and grounded include but are not limited to; the making of calls to people in recovery, using guided meditations, laughing with friends, water; swimming or taking baths, daily meditative readings, using materials to make art or appreciating art someone else has made, exploration and belief in some spiritual theories, healthy eating, paying attention to synchronicities and to my breathing. You could say I am living a more spiritual life and, yes, I am okay with saying that now.
8. With a Clearer, Open Mind, I Understand That for There to Be Joy, There Must Also Be Painful Experiences
One cannot exist without the other. If there were only joy, it would be the status quo, and we could not appreciate it as joy, it would just be the way things are- the typical. For example, when you finally get to enjoy a piece of toast after getting over the flu, isn’t it just a great treat? I do not regret my past, or my pain. It has given me the life I have now, which is often a great treat. When I am in pain, I try to remember there is an opportunity for greater joy. Not always easy of course at the moment. But in time with reflection it’s clear that the universe has always led me to better things if I let it and trusted the process.
9. I Know That Sometimes My Worst Fears Will Come True, and That’s Okay
I do not need to use; throw away my sobriety to escape the pain. I wrote out a list of my fears when I was about a year sober. There were over 300. Many of them have come true; family and friends have died, I have been heartbroken, I have become ill at points, I have been judged and criticized. I have spent so much time in my living in fear. I have managed to not use to ease the bouts of fear, which is what I did for so long. I know using will only lead to more and more pain. I ease it now with a variety of other things such as cognitive behavioral techniques, meditation, talking to others in recovery, looking back on the times things were so hard I didn’t think I would make it through and I did make it through.
10. I Love Myself No Matter What
More and more all of the time. I was not able to show myself love for a very long time. I didn’t realize that until I was sober for a good while; really, for years. This has been a great gift of recovery. I am not always perfect at finding complete love for myself, but daily I can tune into it more easily. This self-love has dramatically changed my life and my ability to take risks, forgive myself, let go of shame and leave toxic situations. I have to see myself as my own daughter and protect her. This love is really what keeps me sober these days one day at a time.
We meet every client right where they are at on their spiritual journey, even if they have no spiritual journey at all.
Whenever the topic of faith comes up, there are almost always variations of opinions and strong viewpoints.
Let’s look at dispelling five of the most common myths about faith-based addiction treatment programs.
Myth #1: Patients Are Not Interested in Faith Programming
Dr. David Rosmarin is a psychology professor at Harvard and the Director of Mental Health and Spirituality at McLean hospital, ranked number one in psychiatric hospitals for adults in the county by Healio Psychiatry. Dr. Rosmarin was a guest on my Faith in Recovery radio show in June 2018. What’s interesting is that of the top ten psychiatric hospitals throughout the country, McLean hospital is the only one that has a spirituality program. McLean conducted a study on the significance of spirituality as it relates to mental illness.
In a study on the significance of spirituality as it relates to mental illness, 58.2% of patients coming into McLean’s psychiatric unit requested to have spirituality/faith programming as part of their treatment. According to an article McLean published on April 25, 2013, “Our work suggests that people with a moderate to high level of belief in a higher power do significantly better in short-term psychiatric treatment. The study concludes belief in God is associated with improved outcomes in psychiatric treatment.”
This brings us to the obvious question! Why is McLean hospital the only one of the major psychiatric hospitals who offers faith programming? I believe it has much to do with the increased politically correct environment. People are afraid to offend anyone, in particular regarding the topics of religion and mental illness. People may feel as if they are walking around on egg shells, which results in overlooking programs that are proven to be effective. Let’s not put political correctness over the many people afflicted with mental illness or substance use dependency who are in desperate need of help.
Myth #2: Faith Programs Are Judgmental and Condemning
As a Chaplain in our Faith in Recovery program, the three things I hear the most are: “Why does God allow suffering?” “How do I know what God’s will is for my life?” And the last one is a statement: “I stopped going to church because I was forced to go when I was young and all I felt when going was guilt, shame and judgement, so I stopped going.”
According to the 2017 Lifeway research survey, “66% of Americans between 23 to 30 years old stopped attending church on a regular basis after turning 18.” It’s a sad commentary on the Church, especially since it’s supposed to be a place of healing and acceptance. I experienced the same thing growing up and as soon as I was old enough to stop going, I did just that.
Not all churches have a judgmental environment. There are some incredible churches out there, but the damage has been done and it’s difficult to turn the perception around. What is disturbing is the fact that the teachings of Christ and all that He did were the exact opposite of guilt, shame and judgement. Apparently somewhere during the past two thousand years some churches didn’t get the memo.
A faith-based program in a treatment setting at its core must be non-judgmental. The majority of our patients are coming in with tremendous guilt and shame. The last thing they need is to have more of that directed their way. In fact, one of our groups is called “Overcoming Guilt & Shame.” When coming into treatment for substance use dependency or mental health disorders, patients need to be treated with respect, and they need to know that God loves them. He wants to forgive them and has a plan for their lives. It must be emphasized that they have value and a purpose and most importantly God values them. When people truly begin to realize these things, the light begins to open their eyes and the seeds of hope emerge. It’s an incredible sight to witness and I am blessed to have a front row seat on a daily basis.
Myth #3: I Won’t Fit In, I’m Not Very Religious
I think this is similar to any topic that we do not feel we are well-versed in or do not know much about. In general, we tend to shy away from the things we are unfamiliar with or which we associate with a bad experience. Not fitting in is simply not the case. We meet every client right where they are at on their spiritual journey, even if they have no spiritual journey at all. We have patients who grew up in the Church and fell away, those who never stepped foot in a church, devout atheists, agnostics, Jewish, Muslim, Buddhist, and those coming out of the occult. All are welcome and treated the same.
Often times in 12-step treatment, the default setting is “I already heard this.” This contrasts with the faith programming most patients have never heard. This is all new information to them, which gives us a fighting chance to keep their attention. More importantly, our patients begin to face their fears. They realize they are much stronger than they think they are.
Myth #4: They Will Force Me to Convert
One of the things we hear in our faith program is: “I liked it because beliefs were not forced on me.” As one of our former patients, Richard, said in his testimonial video, “One of my biggest things is there’s a connection with God, but I don’t want Him shoved down my throat all day long… it’s so far from that, but it’s so connected it’s amazing.” I believe the reason so many feel this way relates back to what we discussed earlier: They were forced into attending church. We all know when forced into something–especially in our adolescence–we tend to rebel against it.
The reality is God gave us the gift of free will. He never forces us to do anything, so why should we force Faith on someone? All we can do is plant the seeds and water them. God is the one who transforms people’s hearts. We do not have the capacity to change someone’s heart.
Myth #5: We Will Not Be Allowed to Share Our Views
This point actually came from a group in our Faith in Recovery program after I asked for their feedback on myths about faith programming. A few patients stated that one of the concerns they had prior to coming into the program was that they would be talked down to and their opinions would not be heard. After experiencing the group, the consensus was that it was the opposite of this concern; that they were actually encouraged to share their thoughts and perspectives on their faith and to always ask questions.
When patients feel that they are not being heard, they tend to shut down completely. This is the exact opposite of what we are trying to have them accomplish in treatment. Transparency and being completely open is an essential part of getting better. Most patients have been suppressing things for far too long so the last thing we want them to do is shut down.
It’s not surprising that people have this preconceived notion of faith programming as they may be associating it with the years of sitting in the pews being preached to with little opportunity to ask questions. We focus on who our patients are becoming, not on who they were in active addiction. What I witness on a daily basis is patients encouraging one another, praying for each other and providing a listening ear to someone who is struggling.
If those who are in treatment are given the opportunity to speak, you will be surprised at the profound and insightful things they have to say.
The U.S. presidential impeachment inquiry has added another layer of uncertainty to an already unstable situation that includes political polarization and the effects of climate change.
As a clinical psychologist in the Washington, D.C. area, I hear people report being stressed, anxious, worried, depressed and angry. Indeed, an American Psychological Association 2017 survey found that 63% of Americans were stressed by “the future of our nation,” and 57% by the “current political climate.”
Humans dislike uncertainty in most situations, but some deal with it better than others. Numerous studies link high intolerance of uncertainty to anxiety and anxiety disorders, obsessive-compulsive disorder, depression, PTSD and eating disorders.
While no one person can reduce the uncertainty of the current political situation, you can learn to decrease intolerance of uncertainty by implementing these scientifically sound strategies.
When unsure how to best proceed with a work assignment, you might either immediately seek help, over-research or procrastinate. As you prepare for the day, uncertainty about the weather or traffic is quickly short-circuited by checking a phone. Similarly, inquiries about family or friends’ whereabouts or emotions can be instantly gratified by texting or checking social media.
Tolerance for uncertainty is like a muscle that weakens if not used. So, work that muscle next time you face uncertainty.
Start gradually: Resist the urge to reflexively check your GPS the next time you are lost and aren’t pressured for time. Or go to a concert without Googling the band beforehand. Next, try to sit with the feelings of uncertainty for a while before you pepper your teenager with texts when he is running late. Over time, the discomfort will diminish.
2. Connect to a Bigger Purpose
Rita Levi-Montalcini was a promising young Jewish scientist when fascists came to power in Italy and she had to go into hiding. As World War II was raging, she set up a secret lab in her parents’ bedroom, studying cell growth. She would later say that the meaning that she derived from her work helped her to deal with the evil outside and with the ultimate uncertainty of whether she would be discovered.
Focusing on what can transcend finite human existence – whether it is religion, spirituality or dedication to a cause – can decrease uncertainty-driven worry and depression.
3. Don’t Underestimate Your Coping Ability
You might hate uncertainty because you fear how you would fare if things went badly. And you might distrust your ability to cope with the negative events that life throws your way.
It turns out that humans are generally resilient, even in the face of very stressful or traumatic events. If a feared outcome materializes, chances are you will deal with it better than you could now imagine. Remember that the next time uncertainty rears its head.
4. Bolster Resilience by Increasing Self-Care
You have probably heard it many times by now: Sleep well, exercise and prioritize social connections if you want to have a long and happy life.
Possibly the best tool for coping with uncertainty is making sure that you have an active and meaningful social life. Loneliness fundamentally undermines a person’s sense of safety and makes it very hard to deal with the unpredictable nature of life.
In spite of civilization’s great progress, the fantasy of humankind’s absolute control over its environment and fate is still just that – a fantasy. So, I say to embrace the reality of uncertainty and enjoy the ride.
For these and so many icons whose careers were cut short, fame, talent, beauty, and wealth were not effective armor against the onslaught of alcohol use disorder.
The disease of alcoholism does not discriminate. If you were born with a certain genetic makeup, if there is a history of alcoholism in your family, if you experience worsening consequences of your drinking and still can’t stop…you might be one of us. And alcohol use disorder is a progressive disease that only gets worse over time if left untreated.
Since alcoholism is also a self-diagnosed and self-treated disease, you have to be willing to do the work necessary to recover. Regardless of external circumstances — wealth, status, prestige, talent, access to the best resources — if you are not willing to help yourself, nobody can. As evidence of this reality, here are eight legendary celebrities who tragically died from alcohol use disorder or alcohol-related causes.
1) Richard Burton (1925-1984)
The recipient of Golden Globes and Tony Awards for Best Actor, Richard Burton was one of the biggest celebrities of the second half of the 20th century. He was also known for his love affair with Elizabeth Taylor. Together, they starred as Mark Anthony and Cleopatra in the mega-bomb Cleopatra. At the time it was the most expensive film ever made, and its failure almost bankrupted 20th Century Fox. After playing Hamlet in a remarkable Broadway production in 1964, critics raved that Richard Burton was “the natural successor to Olivier.” Afterward, the expectations were overwhelming. Is that what drove him to embrace the bottle?
According to biographer Robert Sellers, “At the height of his boozing in the mid-70s, he was knocking back three to four bottles of hard liquor a day.” Even when drinking, Burton had an impressive career. From Look Back In Anger and Becket to Equus and Who’s Afraid Of Virginia Woolf?, he gave stirring performances time and time again. Still, his fans and critics felt there could have been so much more if not for the drinking.
In his forties, Burton suffered from cirrhosis of the liver. His alcohol intake bloated his kidneys to abnormal proportions. During an operation to relieve back pain in the early 1980s, doctors discovered that his spine was covered with crystallized alcohol. Ignoring the pleas of his friends and family, Burton’s health issues continued to throttle him until his premature death at the age of 58 from a brain hemorrhage. Although alcoholism was not listed as a cause of death, the sharp downward trajectory of his health at such a young age is considered by doctors to be a direct result of his excessive drinking.
2) Truman Capote (1924-1984)
As the writer of the novella Breakfast at Tiffany’s and the true-crime novel In Cold Blood, Truman Capote proved that a writer could become an internationally-known celebrity. Published in 1966 by Random House, In Cold Blood broke new ground in non-fiction, and served as a beacon for the burgeoning and popular true crime genre. Speaking in 1974 at the San Francisco International Film Festival, Truman Capote described his extensive research for the book: “I spent four years on and off in that part of Western Kansas there during the research for that book and then the film. What was it like? It was very lonely. And difficult.” To console himself, Truman Capote drank and drank often, alone in Midwestern hotel bars.
Returning to New York after publication, Capote became a celebrity, partying day in and day out with the richest wives of New York City’s power elite. He bragged about the brilliance of his forthcoming novel, Answered Prayers. But Capote never published another significant work in his lifetime. Instead, he drank and popped prescription pills. When an individual chapter from the now legendary unfinished book was published in Esquire magazine in 1975, it proved to be social suicide. Truman Capote was ostracized from high society for revealing the dirty laundry of the rich.
Afterward, according to Vanity Fair, “Truman appeared in an inebriated state on … a local morning talk show in New York. Taking note of Truman’s incoherence during the interview … the host asked, ‘What’s going to happen unless you lick this problem of drugs and alcohol?’ Truman, through the fog of his own misery, replied, ‘The obvious answer is that eventually, I’ll kill myself.’” Fulfilling this prophecy, he spent his final years mostly alone in his New York high-rise apartment, drinking himself into sad oblivion. On August 25, 1984, Truman Capote died in Bel Air, Los Angeles, while visiting one of his last loyal friends. According to the Coroner’s Report, the cause of death was “liver disease complicated by phlebitis and multiple drug intoxication.”
3) F. Scott Fitzgerald (1896-1940)
Like Ernest Hemingway, F.Scott Fitzgerald was a respected author and member of the “Lost Generation” of the 1920s. From The Great Gatsby to Tender Is The Night, Fitzgerald’s novels revealed the luxurious decadence of the Jazz Age. At the same time, he was one of the biggest drinkers during a notorious period of massive consumption. Later, during Prohibition, Fitzgerald’s extraordinarily heavy alcohol intake became the stuff of dark lore.
Fitzgerald and his wife Zelda pushed the limits, leading to extreme health problems that he denied were caused by alcohol. According to Nancy Milford, Zelda’s biographer, Fitzgerald’s claim of contracting tuberculosis was a beard to cover health problems caused by excessive drinking. After Zelda was institutionalized for schizophrenia, his drinking worsened. Fitzgerald’s deterioration was finally publicly revealed in “The Other Side of Paradise, Scott Fitzgerald, 40, Engulfed in Despair,” an article published by the New York Post in 1936 that exposed his excesses and their devastating toll.
Between 1933 and 1937, Scott was hospitalized for alcoholism on eight separate occasions. During this period, he also had two heart attacks. However, he would not stop drinking and even boasted of reducing his gin consumption by consuming 37 beers a day. At 44 years old, F. Scott Fitzgerald dropped dead of another massive heart attack brought on by chronic alcoholism. It’s not surprising that he’s known for saying, “First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you.”
4) Errol Flynn (1909-1959)
The greatest action hero of his time with starring roles in Captain Blood (1935) and The Adventure of Robin Hood (1938), Errol Flynn was an Australian actor who achieved worldwide fame for his ability to play the dashingly handsome, romantic swashbuckler. In Hollywood, he had a reputation for womanizing, hard-drinking, and chain-smoking. A regular attendee of lavish parties at Hearst Castle, Errol Flynn once became so drunk that the newspaper baron had him escorted off the property. Flynn later shared a bachelor pad with actor David Niven in Malibu. The party pad became so notorious for extreme alcohol consumption that it was nicknamed “Cirrhosis-by-the-Sea.”
Flynn would take weekend trips on his private yacht, hosting parties fueled by cocaine, alcohol, and sexual misadventures. In Errol Flynn: The Life and Career (McFarland, 2004), biographer Thomas McNulty describes Errol Flynn and Fidel Castro meeting in late 1958 and drinking hard together. The encounter inspired Boyd Anderson’s novel Errol, Fidel, and the Cuban Rebel Girls (University of Queensland Press 2010). In The Last of Robin Hood (Samuel Goldwyn Films, 2013), an independent movie about Flynn’s final days, the aging actor’s sexual misadventures with a 17-year-old girl and the resulting scandal are highlighted. His alcoholism led to a spectacular failure in judgment that nearly sent him to prison.
In his thirties, Errol Flynn collapsed in an elevator and nearly died. A steady diet of alcohol had ravaged his heart, lungs, liver, and kidneys. Still, he continued drinking, injecting vodka into oranges when he was forbidden to drink on set. When he died of a heart attack at the age of 50, the medics who treated him told reporters they thought they were trying to save an eighty-year-old man.
5) Billie Holiday (1915-1959)
Born in Philadelphia to a teenage mother, Billie Holiday chose her eponymous stage name as a tribute to movie star Billie Dove and her father, jazz guitarist Clarence Holiday. Holiday suffered significant trauma as a child and later turned to prostitution, which led to an arrest for solicitation. After being released from prison, she landed her first paid performing gig, and her career took off. Unfortunately, she couldn’t stop drinking and drugging.
She and Lester Young, the saxophone legend who bestowed upon her the nickname Lady Day, toured Europe with Count Basie’s Orchestra to great acclaim. Coming back to the United States, she recorded the most haunting song in her repertoire. Based on a poem written by Abel Meeropol, a Jewish high school teacher in the Bronx sickened by a recent lynching of two black men, “Strange Fruit” is one of the most moving yet disturbing songs in American history. According to Frank Sinatra, “With few exceptions, every major pop singer in the US during her generation has been touched in some way by her genius. It is Billie Holiday who was, and still remains, the greatest single musical influence on me.”
Already a heavy drinker, Billie Holiday was introduced to heroin by her first husband, trombonist Jimmy Monroe. She was arrested for drug possession in 1947 and ended up serving ten months in federal prison. Afterward, the constant drinking made her voice rougher and more vulnerable. Her exhaustion with life was palpable. By 1959, Lady Day has been diagnosed with cirrhosis. In failing health, she was admitted to a New York hospital. Days later, Billie Holiday died at 44 of chronic alcoholism.
6) Jack Kerouac (1922 – 1969)
With Allen Ginsberg and William S. Burroughs, Jack Kerouac is known for being the progenitor of “The Beat Generation” in the 1950s, an American literary movement that continues to exert a strong influence on each new generation. From On the Road (1957), his most iconic novel, and The Dharma Bums (1958) to Big Sur (1962) and Desolation Angels (1965), Jack Kerouac’s work is autobiographical with the names of the characters changed and the events intensified. All of these novels read like they were soaked in alcohol. Jack Kerouac drank as he typed, furiously writing first drafts that were rarely revised.
When he moved with his mother in 1958 to Northport, a Long Island harbor town in New York, Jack Kerouac’s life revolved around alcohol. “The locals remember him mainly as a broke barfly who padded about barefoot or in bedroom slippers,” Corey Kilgannon wrote in The New York Times. “Emotionally fragile and beset by alcoholism, not to mention a complicated relationship with his mother, Kerouac was declining physically, disillusioned by his celebrity and growing apart from his radical friends and artistic colleagues.” In his last years, Jack Kerouac became a recluse, and his closest friend was a cheap half-pint of Schenley’s whiskey.
On the morning of October 20, 1969, in St. Petersburg, Florida, Jack Kerouac put down the breakfast of champions, stumbled into the bathroom, and began vomiting blood an esophageal hemorrhage. After several transfusions in an attempt to make up for the loss of blood, doctors subsequently attempted surgery. However, a damaged liver prevented his blood from clotting. His cause of death was an internal hemorrhage caused by cirrhosis.
7) Mickey Mantle (1931 – 1995)
A Hall of Fame professional baseball player for the New York Yankees, Mickey Mantle is considered to be the greatest switch-hitter in the history of the game. He is also remembered as one of the heaviest drinkers in the game. Despite winning three Most Valuable Player (MVP) awards and leading his team to seven World Series victories, the Mick was beset by alcoholism. Shortly after he began his Major League career, his beloved father, Mutt Mantle, died of Hodgkin’s disease at age 39. Devastated by the loss, Mickey Mantle started to drink hard to escape the memories. As he later wrote, “After one drink, I was off and running… I’d often keep on drinking until I couldn’t drink anymore.”
Mickey Mantle was loved by his teammates. Hall of Fame Yankee pitcher Whitey Ford describes him as “a superstar who never acted like one. He was a humble man who was kind and friendly to all his teammates, even the rawest rookie.” Sadly, Mickey Mantle played with injuries throughout his career that would sideline a modern player, including a torn ACL. In high school, he had suffered chronic damage to the bones and cartilage in his legs. Wracked by injuries, Mickey Mantle also drank to find relief. By the end of his career, he couldn’t even swing a bat without collapsing in pain.
When Mickey Mantle drank, he blacked out, often waking up in strange places with no idea of what had happened the night before. At the end of his career, he admitted he had a problem. After hitting rock bottom, diagnosed with hepatitis, cirrhosis of the liver, and liver cancer, the Mick checked into the Betty Ford Clinic in 1994. In a Sports Illustrated cover story later that year, he recounted the devastation that alcohol had caused in his life. After telling the same old stories about being drunk for years, Mickey Mantle realized they were not part of a comedy, but a tragedy. When he received a liver transplant, the doctors found the liver cancer had spread. A few months after receiving a new liver, Mickey Mantle, the golden boy of Major League Baseball, died on August 13, 1995, of this alcohol-related disease.
8) Hank Williams (1923 – 1953)
Considered one of the most influential singer-songwriters of the 20th century, Hank Williams is the archetype of the drunk country musician. A true hit-maker, Hank Williams recorded 35 singles (five charting after his death) that reached the Top 10 of the Billboard Country & Western Best Sellers chart. Impressively, 11 of those singles reached number one (three ranked after his death). He joined the Grand Old Opry in 1949 but his stay with the renowned Nashville country music broadcast was brief. In 1952, Williams was dismissed due to his unreliability and his alcohol abuse.
The holy grail in country music is authenticity, and Hank Williams helped define the word. He inspired generations of artists with hits such as “I’m So Lonesome I Could Cry,” “I Saw the Light,” and the classic drinking song “There’s a Tear in My Beer.” As singer Bobby Bare recounts, “Everybody I know wanted to be like Hank Williams. And everyone I know bought into the drinking. You figure if Hank did it, it must be OK.” Beyond his music, the lasting influence of Hank Williams is what the late Waylon Jennings described as the “Hank Williams syndrome.” To be authentic like Hank, you had to drink like Hank.
While being driven across the country, Williams combined chloral hydrate, a sedative, with excessive drinking, and fell into a stupor. After being injected by a local doctor with a vitamin and morphine combination, the trip continued, but Hank’s conditioned did not improve. Realizing the singer was unresponsive, his driver pulled over and discovered the worst. On New Year’s Day, 1953, at the young age of 29, Hank Williams died of alcoholism and drug intoxication while traveling to a concert in Canton, Ohio.
***
If only fame, talent, beauty, and wealth were effective armor against the onslaught of alcohol use disorder, imagine how many legendary celebrities would have had longer and more productive careers. Can you picture in your mind’s eye the Academy-Award acceptance speech of Richard Burton? Or F. Scott Fitzgerald accepting the Nobel Prize for his later work? How about Mickey Mantle breaking the record for the most home runs in a season? Unfortunately, none of those accomplishments ever materialized because alcoholism knocked each of these legendary celebrities down for the count.
No matter how you give and give back this holiday season and beyond, stay mindful about those in need.
The holidays are a time when families come together to celebrate the season of gratitude and while the season is often marked by abundance, it can also be a time of great need.
It can be easy to assume that everyone is doing well during the holidays, but even in seemingly stable families, there exist struggling college students, extended family who may be going to the food bank for the first time, moms who are secretly going through a divorce and wondering how to get by during the coming year, and family members facing a diagnosis that will require hospitalization.
Why not use this time together to look for and help your friends and family that could use an extra hand this holiday season?
Here are five ways to weave compassion – for yourself and others – into the coming holidays.
1. Check In: Don’t Assume It’s All Okay
Do you have a friend or family member that you think might be going through something? Check in and ask. Offer to take them out to lunch, send them a card or a text. Make a phone call. You don’t have to pry into their life but be there and listen to what they have to say. The holidays can trigger all kinds of feelings and are a good time to touch base, especially amid the flurry of holiday cards and photos.
2. Listen to Understand
There’s a difference between “listen to talk” and “listen to understand.” Listening to understand means you’re actively listening to the other person. You’re not in the “problem solving mindset,” you’re in the “exploration” mindset. Your friend may simply need to talk. Or they might need advice or a second opinion. Whatever it is, you won’t know unless you practice listening to understand. Creating space for those story-telling family members is a great place to start – studies show that recounting stories improves self-esteem in seniors.
3. Care for Yourself
Maybe you’re the one who is always there for everyone and always showing up when people need it most, and maybe this year, you’re going through struggles of your own. Tell someone you need to talk and make the time to do it, whether it’s a friend, a family member, a therapist, or counselor. Your needs are valid and important and your family and friends will respect that you know how to ask for and get the help you need to live your best life. Make it the gift you give yourself this year.
4. Find Causes That Speak To You
Find nonprofits and causes that you can make an ongoing part of your life. Why? Because when a cause speaks to you, you’re more likely to look for creative ways to help it. When you’re actively involved with a cause you believe in, you’re more likely to talk about it with your friends and encourage them to give back in ways that are meaningful in their lives. Giving Tuesday is just one day, but a great day to start.
5. Get Organized
When you know someone who is going through a hardship, like a loved one in the hospital, the birth of a new baby, a sick child, or the death of a loved one, organize your friends and family to help them. This can be done with online tools like Give InKind that help you coordinate financial contributions, calendar tasks, chores, and more on a dedicated page that helps the person in need get exactly what they need. Time spent with family is a great time to pull together and make a plan for supporting someone you love.
No matter how you give and give back this holiday season and beyond, stay mindful about those in need. May we all be lucky enough to not need, but when we do, may we all have the support of our loved ones and community to help us through.
Laura Malcolm is the CEO and Founder of the social support network, Give InKind.
Intervention is never easy. But this step-by-step guide can help you navigate the difficult task of talking to a loved one about their alcoholism or addiction.
When you know or suspect that a friend or family member has a drug problem, even well-intentioned conversations can turn prickly. Here are eight steps that may help smooth things out and pave the way to productive, respectful, and supportive discussions. Even if you already have a history of bickering and arguing, all is not lost. You can ask for a new start and then follow these steps.
1. Keep Calm
If you’re worked up and agitated, it’ll be almost impossible to have respectful and cooperative dialogue. So, put aside your hurt, scared, or angry feelings. Take a deep breath. The feelings won’t go away, but maybe you can think of them as parked – pushed aside for the time being. Deep conversations that lead to connection and empathy require a measure of self-discipline. It’s difficult to process information and communicate effectively in emotionally charged discussions.
2. Set Realistic Expectations
When you see or suspect a drug problem, you may want to rush to the rescue and fix everything right away. Maybe you think it’s best to demand a commitment to abstinence, or insist upon counseling, or even send the person to rehab. The thing is, no one wants to be “fixed.” The harder you push, the stronger the resistance you’ll encounter. The best way to help someone is to engage their brains – to get them to think things through for themselves and to make their own decisions. So, start with a reasonable and realistic expectation: to open the dialogue and increase mutual understanding. This won’t fix a substance use disorder, but it can improve the situation.
3. Ask Permission
It’s common courtesy to find out if someone is receptive to conversation at a particular moment. Start out by saying: “I’d like to talk with you about something that concerns me. Can I do that now? Is this a good time?” Asking permission gives your friend or family member a sense of control over the discussion and a moment to prepare for it. If not now, then you can ask: “When would be a good time?”
4. Explain Your Plan
Communication has to be a two-way street. You want to express your own point of view, but you need to also hear the point of view of your loved one. Make it clear that you want a mutual and cooperative exchange of information, and have as much desire to hear your friend or family member’s point of view as to express your own. This is important because communication about drug problems is often one-way, as in: “I know what’s going on and you need to quit drinking (or quit using drugs).”
You could put it this way: “I’d like to tell you what I’ve been thinking and feeling. I’d like to hear how you see things as well.” When friends and family members are treated with this type of respect, you might be surprised at how much they are willing to disclose.
5. Start From a Place of Concern
When you get the go-ahead to talk, start with an expression of concern based on your observations, being as specific as possible about what you have noticed, and your thoughts and feelings about it. You can also talk about how you are affected by the drug or alcohol use. Be sure to pause as you speak to give your partner time to think.
Here is an example of a well-stated expression of concern that combines observations, thoughts, and feelings:
“I’m concerned because I’ve noticed you’ve been drinking more often and in larger quantities in the last few months. It seems that you drink every night as soon as you get home from work, and much more than you used to drink. By dinnertime you’re often groggy and a little incoherent. Sometimes, you even fall asleep before dinner, then wake up and start drinking again.
“I’m worried because, in my opinion, the amount you drink is unhealthy. I’m also concerned for myself. The drinking seems to interfere with us talking about our lives and enjoying each other’s company. I can’t say it’s all because of the alcohol. There might be other things happening. But it seems to be part of the pattern.”
Notice that these are “I” statements, as in: I’m concerned; I’ve noticed; and I’m worried. They merely express what the speaker saw, thought, felt, or noticed when certain events occurred. There are no labels or put-downs. They contrast with “You” statements, which are often pronouncements about a “truth,” or a dire prediction about the future:
You’re an alcoholic.
You drink too much.
You’re addicted to opioids.
You have a drug problem.
You need to quit now.
If you don’t quit now, you’ll end up a drunk in the street.
These “You” statements are opinions that may or may not be true. They are judgmental. Without explanation, they seem arbitrary. Without discussion and an understanding of the other person’s point of view, they come across as arrogant.
Be careful to steer clear of two pitfalls that could arouse defensiveness:
Avoid self-certainty. It kills discussion. You may think you are right. You may be convinced you are right. You may even be right!! But keep an open mind and show some humility. Leave open the possibility that there are other ways to look at what is happening. (There’s always another side to a story.) Until you listen to what your communication partner says, you really don’t have the full picture: You may misunderstand something or not fully understand the situation.
Resist the urge to jump in with advice. It’s too early. You don’t even know what your friend or family member is thinking. Save recommendations and advice for later.
6. Request Feedback
You can be sure your friend or family member will have a reaction, perhaps a very emotional one. So, in good faith ask: “What do you think about what I just said?” Also: “Please tell me how you see things.” At this point, you never know what to expect and you’ll have to use your best judgment about how to proceed. If your partner is highly receptive, listen carefully to what is said and then proceed to the next step.
If your partner gets angry and highly defensive, back off, stay calm, and let some time pass. Take the high road and avoid an argument. Later, when things calm down, you can say: “You know, I told you how I see things. I’d like to know how you see things.”
7. Listen to Understand, Not to Argue
Too often while someone else is talking, people get busy developing their counter-arguments. This transforms a discussion into a debate. While your friend or family member talks, try to listen closely and understand their perception of the issue. You will certainly increase your understanding of your partner, and quite possibly be surprised by what you learn. Maybe the problem is not as big as you thought. Maybe there have been changes you didn’t notice. Maybe you will get some clarity as to why your friend or family member was using drugs. Maybe you’ll discover that your friend or family member is also concerned about the drug use. To the extent you show respect and demonstrate open-mindedness, you serve as a role model to your communication partners.
8. Seek Mutual Understanding
Now you can say, “Let’s see if we understand each other.” A good way to do this is by using what is called reflective listening: you make an effort to paraphrase what the other person said, then ask: “Did I understand you correctly?” Then, you allow for clarification. When people reflectively listen to each other, there are two advantages:
We often get insight when we hear our own thoughts reflected back to us.
We think twice when we have to paraphrase what someone else said.
Reflective listening will force you and your communication partner to think hard about what each of you say. Of course, you hope your loved one will be influenced by your presentation. You can be sure, too, that they want to be understood and hope that you will be open-minded.
At this point, you have to use your best judgment about what comes next. You could try to calmly discuss differences, now or in the future. You might want to ask if there is anything you could do that your loved one might find helpful. Also, you could politely ask if you can offer advice. Regardless, these eight steps are foundational to a productive dialogue and can stand alone as a measure of success. Savor it and avoid the rush for a quick fix.
Robert Schwebel, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist who wrote and developed The Seven Challenges program, now widely used across the United States. He is also the author of his soon-to-be released book, Leap of Power: Take Control of Alcohol, Drugs and Your Life.
Movies have the power to shape how we perceive the world. Here are several films that treat mental illness respectfully and honestly, instead of contributing to stigma.
Hollywood holds a lot of influence when it comes to current cultural beliefs surrounding mental illness, which is why fighting stigma should be a central tenet for filmmakers who tackle psychology and mental health in their projects. Films like Split demonize mental illness by twisting real disorders into monstrous villains. The real horror of mental illness is the pain it inflicts on the person with the disorder. Mental illness can affect those closest to us, but not in the horrifying ways portrayed in Split. The movies in this list are all successful in accurately depicting one or more aspects of mental health conditions.
What films are we missing? Add your own recommendations in the comments.
Melancholia
Kirstin Dunst plays the leading role of Justine in Melancholia, a fantastical science-fiction film giving a terribly real reflection on depression. When I first saw this movie, I was in a severe depressive downswing. I was desperate to feel less alone in my isolation, and this movie helped. It was like a friend sitting down next to me and accepting me without me needing to explain myself.
The story circles around two sisters as Justine prepares to be married (clearly unhappily). There are many moments that capture the listlessness of depression, such as when Justine is served her favorite meal, but she can’t taste it. Other characters try to support Justine in completing basic tasks such as bathing and eating, things that can be excruciatingly difficult for someone with depression. It touches on the compulsive urges that drive self-destructive behavior and the dull ache of depression.
“It tastes like ashes.” – Justine
What Dreams May Come
Another fantastical meditation on the complexities of the human condition, What Dreams May Come stars Robin Williams as Chris Nielsen, a bereaved father who then dies himself, leaving his widow to her severe depression. We follow his journey through “heaven” and “hell” to save his wife who later dies by suicide. The colors in this film are out of this world, and the ideas it presents about severe depression and mental illness are beautifully depicted. There are some problematic ideas about a cure for depression, such as saving yourself to save someone else or that someone can save you from the pain of depression. But these potentially troubling aspects of the movie are overshadowed by poignant lines such as:
“Everyone’s Hell is different. It’s not all fire and pain. The real Hell is your life gone wrong.” – Albert
“What’s true in our minds is true, whether some people know it or not.” – Chris
I had a hard time rewatching this movie after my own father passed away, because there is something about Robin William’s thin-lipped smile that was reminiscent of my dad’s closed mouth grin.
Prozac Nation
Released in 2001, Prozac Nation stars Christina Ricci as real-life Elizabeth “Lizzie” Wurtzel, a college student with atypical depression. The narrative connects early trauma with current depression as we see Lizzie’s traumas via flashbacks. Lizzie makes risky decisions and alienates people she once pulled close. Despite her success as a journalism student and writer for The Harvard Crimson, Lizzie can’t find happiness. Eventually by seeking professional mental health support and taking the antidepressant Prozac, Lizzie’s life stabilizes.
“Hemingway has his classic moment in ‘The Sun Also Rises’ when someone asks Mike Campbell how he went bankrupt. All he can say is, ‘Gradually, then suddenly.’ That’s how depression hits. You wake up one morning, afraid that you’re gonna live.” – Lizzie
Inside Out
A Disney-Pixar success, Inside Out takes place in the mind of a young girl going through a big life transition. We see the complications of memory formation play out through the personification of five basic emotions: Joy, Sadness, Fear, Disgust, and Anger. We come to understand the importance of each core emotion, even Sadness. Memories are more complex than depicted in this film, but the basic premise is solid — our life experiences become memories which power our personalities. In this movie, the young girl at the center of the story experiences a breakdown of her personality until all her core emotions can learn to work together.
“Do you ever look at someone and wonder, what is going on inside their head?” – Joy
It’s Kind of a Funny Story
Released in 2010, It’s Kind of a Funny Story is an honest portrayal of what can manifest from depression. Following a teenager after a near suicide attempt, Craig Gilner (played by Keir Gilchrist) is admitted into a hospital’s psychiatric ward. What this film doesn’t do is challenge notions about the success and helpfulness of psychiatric wards, which vary greatly in quality and care. And there’s an element of romanticism that is problematic. What this film does well is show the negative self-beliefs that can accompany depression. The film also addresses the common fears that people seeking psychiatric care experience because of the stigma around mental illness.
“Okay, I know you’re thinking, ‘What is this? Kid spends a few days in the hospital and all his problems are cured?’ But I’m not. I know I’m not. I can tell this is just the beginning. I still need to face my homework, my school, my friends. My dad. But the difference between today and last Saturday is that for the first time in a while, I can look forward to the things I want to do in my life.” – Craig
Helen
Helen is a 2009 film starring Ashley Judd as Helen Leonard, a college music professor living with severe depression. What is particularly poignant about this story is that it captures the irrationality of depression. There is no trigger, there is just depression. No matter how many times someone asks “why?”, there is no answer that fully explains the underlying causes of depression. From an outside perspective, Helen’s life seems wonderful and successful. Feeling like you have no good reason to be depressed is a common experience for many people with depression. No amount of self-flagellation helps ease the pain, and we see that played out in this movie as Helen spirals.
“Your wife is not unhappy, Mr. Leonard. Your wife is ill.” – Dr. Barnes
