Tag: personal addiction stories

  • Designer Drugs: My Addiction to Research Chemicals

    Designer Drugs: My Addiction to Research Chemicals

    Chemists create new drugs faster than officials can schedule them, resulting in a drug supply tainted with chemicals that can’t be tested because they don’t really exist.

    My wife came with me to the intake session at the city’s drug and alcohol center even though I had a protection from abuse order pending on the court’s docket. She knew I’d been in recovery and had started drinking again, but she’d only recently learned of the extent of my addiction when I broke down the bathroom door to stop her from calling the police. Why she stuck with me or what she was thinking I couldn’t say; I was too ashamed of what I had done to ask her if she was all right. 

    Instead, I buried myself in the mundane paperwork of medical billing and told the counselor my story while my wife sat mostly silent. For almost two years, I trafficked in grey market drugs for my personal use. An assortment of chemical mixtures was delivered to my door, sometimes within reach of my kids.

    4-FMPH, a Synthetic Analog of Ritalin with a Fluoro Substitution

    The first drug I purchased was 4-FMPH, a synthetic analog of Ritalin with a fluoro substitution. Fifty dollars, plus the cost of shipping, bought me a few grams of the stuff from an unassuming website called “Plant Food USA.” People who know about these types of things remember that site for the scams that it pulled, like selling α-PVP as 2-FMA. These are the risks in a chemical world.

    It wasn’t a clandestine operation, save for what I hid from my wife. I found the site through Reddit and paid with Google Wallet for two-day delivery via the U.S. mail. An unlabeled bag of white powder arrived at my door in a large white priority envelope. I swallowed a portion of it without question and spent the next couple hours worrying about how to throw out the packaging without anyone finding it.

    Before long, the drugs, and the schemes, became more intricate. I tried ethylphenidate, isopropylphenidate, 3-FMA, and Hex-en. Bitcoin became my new banking system, which meant keeping my wife away from our finances and making her think we had less than we did. I’d stay late at work emailing vendors while ignoring her texts for help with the kids. 

    It was exhausting, hiding my habit from her. The day the cops showed up to serve me those papers would have been a relief, had she not been outside with her family trembling in fear. And yet here she was, a week later, sitting in a Medicaid-funded outpatient program listening to a counselor ask me how I was doing while telling old war stories from his days off the wagon.

    His brother doesn’t speak to him, I remember he said. “But that’s his problem and not mine anymore.”

    The Molly Enigma

    Designer drugs, research chemicals, synthetic analogs, and novel-psychoactive substances, as they’re sometimes called, have long been on the periphery of the illicit drug trade. Often, local news channels reduce them to fodder about bath salts and flakka and face-eating zombies. But today, experts are beginning to draw a straight line between the overseas chemists who create these drugs and the overdoses that plague so many people who unwittingly use them.

    ”[It’s] what I refer to now as the Molly Enigma,” said Jim Hall, an epidemiologist at Nova Southeastern University’s Center for Applied Research on Substance Use and Health Disparities. For the past 35 years, Hall has tracked patterns and trends of substance use disorders in southeast Florida for the National Drug Early Warning System.

    “We missed the boat when Molly first appeared, went in the wrong direction, and avoided a lesson which could have predicted the fentanyl crisis,” he continued.

    One of the more well-known designer drugs to hit the scene, Molly is thought of by many to be pure MDMA. According to the DEA and the National Institute on Drug Abuse, however, it’s more likely to be a cauldron’s brew of synthetic cathinones like MDPV, 4-MEC, 4-MMC, Pentedrone and more. My vendors sold all these at discounted rates.

    Somewhere Between Face-Eating Zombie Hysteria and the Fentanyl Crisis

    When looked at alone, most of these drugs lie somewhere between face-eating zombie hysteria and the fentanyl crisis, vanishing from small pockets of the country as fast as they appear. In 2015, around 30 people died in the Pittsburgh area after overdosing on U-47700, an opioid painkiller that pharmacists developed back in the 1970s. Two years earlier, an Oklahoma man pleaded no contest to second-degree murder after accidentally selling a highly-toxic mixture of Bromo-DragonFLY at a party. He purchased it on the web, thinking it was a less caustic drug known as 2C-E.

    But as Dr. Hall explained, taken as a whole, this new trend in substances has its roots at the turn of the decade, when discarded medical research turned up on the web. 

    “We saw the beginning of clandestine manufacturing of these chemicals primarily occurring in China, but also some in Eastern Europe, [and] in the former Soviet Union,” Hall said. “Then the spread first of the synthetic cannabinoids, the K2 or spice into Australia, New Zealand, and then into the European continent. Then to North America, which has also been a sort of pattern of the emergence of these substances rather than first appearing in the United States.” 

    Novel Psychoactive Substances and Drug Tests

    I discovered alpha-Pyrrolidinohexiophenone, or A-PHP, when 2-FMA dried up in a big Chinese ban. Shortly after that, I disappeared from my family for a week. The “Missing” posters that my wife put up finally prompted me to make contact, but only because I was angry that she would do something like that to embarrass me. I didn’t ask about our kids, only why she used such a terrible photograph of me.

    At the time, she made me beg to come home for what I did to the kids, so I told her the things that she needed to hear. Then I spent another night away from the house because everything would be the same regardless. Who knows what she was thinking when she took me back in; I didn’t care to ask her if she was all right.

    Novel psychoactive substances, or NSPs, live in a grey market world, walking a line of legality that’s tough to pin down. MDPV begat α-PVP, which begat A-PHP with the tweak of a molecule. Chemists create new drugs faster than officials can schedule them. The process results in a few hollow legal victories along the way, and a drug supply tainted with chemicals that can’t be tested because they don’t really exist.

    “You can have all these people intoxicated on, say a new form of fluoro-amphetamines, but most hospitals have what are called targeted panels,” said Roy Gerona, a toxicologist at the University of California, San Francisco, who, along with a team of researchers works with the DEA to identify new NSPs as they come on the scene. 

    “So even if the patient comes in and is intoxicated by this new derivative when the hospital tests the patient, it will test negative,” he continued. “They will not confirm the drugs.”

    Gerona, whose work was explored in an article about designer drugs a few years ago, told me how NSPs create a new set of problems for both the legal and scientific communities. The DEA can’t schedule a drug without first showing that it’s both toxic and addictive, something that’s difficult to prove rapidly, he told me. Meanwhile, strict guidelines from the FDA have researchers hamstrung when it comes to identifying new substances quickly.

    “In that six months in 2015, for example, there have already been three generations of synthetic cannabinoids, meaning that by the time that you have developed and validated those methods, the draws that you’ve included in the panel, it’s not popular anymore,” Gerona explained.

    Cathinones: Bath Salts and Antidepressants

    Some of these drugs have actual medicinal properties and can be used as prescriptions, Gerona told me, negating the idea of a blanket ban on them all. The Federal Analogue Act tried to rein in the problem by making any substance that was “substantially similar” to Schedule I or II drugs also illegal. Still, it’s rarely been used or held up in court.

    “Bupropion or Wellbutrin is an antidepressant,” he explained. “Wellbutrin is a cathinone. Cathinones are the active chemicals in bath salts. So, if you schedule all cathinones, then research on a lot of these medicinal chemicals would also be impeded.”

    But that doesn’t mean there’s nothing to be done.

    Building off of his work surveilling such cases, Gerona and his team developed what he calls a “Prophetic Library” of new drugs, hoping to outwit the overseas chemists and lessen the downtime it takes to respond to further incidents. 

    “We thought if people creating these are chemists, we are chemists,” said Gerona. “If they can look at the literature [and] know what tweaks that they can make from publications or expired patents from drug companies, we should be able to predict what they would be potentially doing.” 

    For Gerona and his team, there’s no glory in the task, because publishing their findings would create reference material for more clandestine operations. They’re hidden away until, hopefully, they can help.

    Predicting the future can be a difficult task, because the stories we write, well, they never end. On the day after New Year’s, my wife went to bed, and I went online to buy more A-PHP. For me, I was looking for more of the same, until I noticed she moved all our money to a separate account.

    Not All Right

    I woke her up, intent on throwing her out of the house, and stormed through the place with fire and rage. When she locked herself in the bathroom to call the police, I broke the door down and ripped the phone from her hand. What right did she have to come between me and my drugs?

    When the cops did arrive, I said what they needed to hear and taunted my wife as soon as they left. But I felt ashamed of what I had done. I apologized to her and asked if she was all right.

    The next day she filed that protection from abuse order on me. She wasn’t all right. 

    View the original article at thefix.com

  • Sobbing with Sir Elton While Watching “Rocketman”

    Sobbing with Sir Elton While Watching “Rocketman”

    John’s seeking earned him fame and financial success and love from millions of fans, but it wasn’t enough for his emotionally starved heart.

    To me, a sign of a good movie is one that makes me cry at least three or four times. I sobbed during Rocketman. And apparently Sir Elton did the same. 

    In a piece he wrote the week before the movie came out, he said, “I was in the cinema for about 15 minutes before I started crying…really sobbing, in that loud unguarded emotionally destroyed way that makes people turn around and look at you with alarmed expressions.” 

    I never realized how much I connected with Elton John until now.

    The movie opens with John (played by Taron Egerton) decked out in an orange sequined satanic-like costume with magnificent horns and wings, striding down the hall of a treatment center. He barges into an AA meeting, the same 12-step group that helped get me sober. He then spouts the familiar introduction, “I’m Elton Hercules John and I’m an alcoholic,” followed by a list of his other addictions: cocaine, weed, sex, prescription drugs, bulimia, and shopping. 

    I’ve seen lots of movies about addicted personalities, but this is my new favorite. It just so happens that Elton and I not only belong to that same addiction club, but we also got sober the same year. 

    As vastly different as our lives have been—and I sense I’ll get some heat for this—we seem to have a lot in common, as many addicts do. We both came from an era rife with emotionally stilted fathers and discontented mothers. His dad was a quiet, reserved man, as was mine, while his mom was more outgoing. His mother seemed to despise his dad for his uncommunicative ways; their unhappy relationship was replicated in my own damaged family

    The scene at his Middlesex dinner table was painfully familiar and often the same one we had at my home in New Jersey. Angry parents and their innocent children, all who just wanted love. Unfortunately, the baggage that occupied the table was never addressed in a reasonable way. This was one part of the film that resonated deeply with me, making me (and Elton) sob. While my parents stayed miserably together, his split up, with a poignant scene of his father leaving the family without giving his son a hug. It’s an image many of us who grew up with addiction can relate to. 

    In a 2011 interview, John said of his dad, “He left us, remarried and had another family, and by all accounts was a great Dad to them. It wasn’t children, it was me.”

    My mom once told me, in the heat of an argument we had when I was 12, that my dad never liked me. She said he never picked me up as a baby and didn’t come home at night until I was in bed. This type of emotional abuse plays unconsciously on a still-developing brain and leaves lasting psychic wounds. When I finally found the numbing qualities of booze and drugs, I searched for a father figure in the men I pursued. I sensed it was the same for Elton. 

    As children, we all seek attention and validation, and when we don’t receive it from our parents, we’ll find other—frequently destructive—ways to get it. John’s seeking earned him fame and financial success and love from millions of fans, but it wasn’t enough for his emotionally starved heart.

    After the scene of young Reginald (Elton John was born Reginald Dwight) dancing with an ensemble in the cul-de-sac where he lived, he’s mostly portrayed as a shy, somewhat lonely child. Though extremely gifted, he doubted himself at every turn. As a child, I was so shy I’d hide in corners at family gatherings. And I still tend to doubt myself today. Our parents knew little of propping their children up and confidence was hard to come by, which made the insecurity-relieving properties of drugs and alcohol even more appealing. Like Elton, I discovered the buffering effects of substances as I forged my way into a terrifying world. 

    The movie’s use of the 12-step meeting as a story-telling vehicle was effective, with Elton gradually losing bits of the devil costume and the persona he used as a mask as he rambles on about family, revealing more of his wounded self each time, which I also did in early meetings. One of the ways we heal is by telling our stories, by venting and listening to others tell theirs. Identifying with someone else’s pain helps us to heal our own, releasing some of the shame that comes with things we did to ourselves and others while we were using. 

    Aside from the sad childhood memories, the part that brought the most tears for me was hearing still-Reggie Dwight play the beginnings of what became “Your Song,” the first Taupin and John hit and the piece that my Almost Cher impersonator friend, Helene, sang to me on my birthday while kneeling at my feet. She sang just for me, and for those moments provided some of the love I missed as a child.

    As the movie ends, we find out recovery’s been good to Sir Elton, as it has been for me. 

    We’ve both forgiven our parents and have been sober for 29 years. And yes, we’re both still standing.

    View the original article at thefix.com