Tag: relationships in recovery

Loving a drug addict: Can a drug addict truly love?
No. A drug addict cannot truly love you.

If you’ve found this article, you might be searching for ways to repair a “broken relationship”. But the truth is, you’ve got to fix…you! Here, we’ll take a brief look at root causes for loving an addict. What gets you to this desperate place to begin with?

Then, we’ll challenge you to take action. If you have any questions, please leave them in the comments section at the end. In fact, we try to respond to all real life questions personally and promptly.

Getting to the Root of Co-Addiction

If you find yourself in the situation where you love an addict and you cannot let them go, then you need to get down to the root of your issues, not theirs. If you have found that you meet the criteria of a co-addict; it is time to look at how this situation developed.

Codependent and Co-addictive behaviors may have roots that date back to childhood. The behavior may be so severely suppressed that the co-addict does not even relate to or remember when they lost their sense of self. For example, if a young child faces:
- sexual abuse
- emotional abuse
- verbal abuse
- psychological abuse
- neglect or abandonment by a parent
…they may have tried to resist. In this resistance they find that the abuser only becomes more irate. Their response to fight for their well-being gets them nowhere. Over time, the child may learn that their feelings are less important and become submissive to that person, parent and/or abuser.

Are You Becoming More Submissive?

The abuse or act of submissive behavior may even be mild; a controlling parent, a self-absorbed parent or a caregiver who abandons a child. Even if these roles are not as pronounced as what we think of as outright abuse, the child is still learning that their voice only angers this person and they develop a passive, submissive disposition.

More specifically, with a co-addict, the development of submissive behavior might be a result of a childhood relationship with an addict. For example, if a child’s parent/s or caregivers are addicts then the child may learn early on that they must put their parent and their addiction first. They are naturally going to come second to a parent’s addiction so they lose their voice, their sense of self and learn to grow up taking care of an addict parent or family member. This behavior can become something that is ingrained and will be carried out into all other areas and relationships in their life.

Do You Value the Addict More Than Yourself?

It is also possible that the adult co-addict or codependent is aware of the abusive relationship they endured which imprinted their lack of sense of self. In either case, the adult codependent is a person who puts more value on the person they love then on their own welfare. A co-addict or codependent may lose their identity. The only identity they create is through the person they are codependent on.

Addict and Co-addict: A Perfect Match

Don’t you find it strange that most addicts marry codependents or co-addicts who end up putting their addiction and problems above their own?

This relationship is actually a pretty natural one. Co-addicts need to hide behind others and be submissive and addicts need someone to take care of them and put up with their behaviors. An addict is naturally attracted to a codependent or co-addict. In fact, being in any type of relationship with one is how most addicts survive and continue their addiction as long as they do.

The Challenge: Are You Ready to Look at Yourself?

If you can look at your past trauma, childhood relationships and experiences, you may start to uncover why you chose an addict as a partner. Being with an addict or a person whose needs are put above yours may be comfortable for you, familiar, and feel like second nature. If you can understand why you are in this type of relationship and unravel the life events which helped you get here; then you can start to work on your part which contributes to this troubling relationship dynamic.

How can you fix the relationship and the dynamics of it if you do not understand why it happened in the first place? You cannot and that is why a co-addict must get down to the root of their problems and stop deflecting them with the addict’s problems. That is the only way for a co-addict to sort out and then make changes in their life.

View the original article at addictionblog.org
7 May 2019
How to live with an addict

Fatigue makes everything more difficult

Since my son’s birth, one and a half years ago, I have not had one decent night’s sleep. He wakes three to four times a night, screaming. Regardless of what time he goes to bed, he wakes at five am. I am a morning person. When my daughter was small, I used to wake an hour before her, so I could have time to myself, organize, and start my day. This small routine is what helped be more productive. With my son, this has been impossible, and almost every day has been a challenge. I go to sleep with him, exhausted, and wake long before I even want to, to him jumping on top of me. I am tired more, finding the mental focus to work has been difficult, and time alone has been almost impossible.

By the grace of God, two nights in a row my son slept through the night. The second day, I woke up before him, went downstairs and got everything ready before he awoke. I settled into my home office to check some work emails and when I turned around he was happily running into towards me smiling and saying, “Momma.” After the warmest hug, he sat still at breakfast with his sister and fed himself! Later, when I took him to the store, something I usually tried to avoid, he fell asleep I was able to shop in peace. While I was waiting on line, the man behind me struck up a conversation about all the organic and healthy food he saw in my cart. He turned out to be an extremely generous man who owned an entire ranch helping families in crisis, housing more than forty troubled children. He actually lived around the corner from me and I didn’t know it. What an inspirational conversation we had. The rest of the day was more of the same.

Then I realized something. If every night was difficult and sleep was sparse, it was going to affect my health, my mood, my behavior, my outlook, and my ability to be productive. Somehow I made it work, knowing it was a temporary situation and because of the love I have for my child.

Negativity precipitates negativity

I mentally pressed rewind and went back four years. At that time, I was not sleeping because I was up worried most nights when my husband would not come home. You see, codependency and control issues are often difficult to distinguish. I was taking care of a little girl on my own, my husband was bringing drugs into my home, and we were slowly going into financial ruin.

Every time I would try to be positive, something bad would happen. I was in a vicious cycle but I did not know it. Negativity precipitates negativity. The more negative thoughts, behavior,and events that entered my life, the more negativity I attracted. If there was positive in my life, I could not see it or attract it.

Getting ready for change

When I had my moment of clarity and I realized I was sick of my life the way it was, I made a change. Letting go of my addict husband was a process that helped me. I started going to meetings for families like mine, I sought a therapist, I mentally left my husband, and then shortly after, physically.

I started to let a little positive in each day. I made myself read positive affirmations daily. I interviewed for a job opportunity I really wanted and got the job. My father happened to be retiring the same time. I had to work again full time to be the sole supporter of my daughter, and he offered to take on a bigger role and help take care of my child. I reconnected with friends I had lost touch with who helped nurse me back to life. Everything started to come together in a way that forced, even the once skeptical me, to believe was some divine synchronicity.

How to live with an addict: change the focus

When you are caught in the cycle of addiction, life may seem hopeless. If you decide to stop talking to the addict, or stay in their life, either way, you can still make a choice to silence the negative and accentuate the positive. Once you start looking for the positive things about you, and your life, you will start to find them. Once you find them, more will become attracted to you. Eventually you will be taking the emphasis off of the negativity of the addict’s behavior and focus on what is positive within you.

Living with an addict questions

Do you still have questions or want to share your situation with us? Please leave us a message in the comments section below. We do our best to respond to all questions personally and promptly.

View the original article at addictionblog.org

7 May 2019
How to live with an addict

Fatigue makes everything more difficult

Since my son’s birth, one and a half years ago, I have not had one decent night’s sleep. He wakes three to four times a night, screaming. Regardless of what time he goes to bed, he wakes at five am. I am a morning person. When my daughter was small, I used to wake an hour before her, so I could have time to myself, organize, and start my day. This small routine is what helped be more productive. With my son, this has been impossible, and almost every day has been a challenge. I go to sleep with him, exhausted, and wake long before I even want to, to him jumping on top of me. I am tired more, finding the mental focus to work has been difficult, and time alone has been almost impossible.

By the grace of God, two nights in a row my son slept through the night. The second day, I woke up before him, went downstairs and got everything ready before he awoke. I settled into my home office to check some work emails and when I turned around he was happily running into towards me smiling and saying, “Momma.” After the warmest hug, he sat still at breakfast with his sister and fed himself! Later, when I took him to the store, something I usually tried to avoid, he fell asleep I was able to shop in peace. While I was waiting on line, the man behind me struck up a conversation about all the organic and healthy food he saw in my cart. He turned out to be an extremely generous man who owned an entire ranch helping families in crisis, housing more than forty troubled children. He actually lived around the corner from me and I didn’t know it. What an inspirational conversation we had. The rest of the day was more of the same.

Then I realized something. If every night was difficult and sleep was sparse, it was going to affect my health, my mood, my behavior, my outlook, and my ability to be productive. Somehow I made it work, knowing it was a temporary situation and because of the love I have for my child.

Negativity precipitates negativity

I mentally pressed rewind and went back four years. At that time, I was not sleeping because I was up worried most nights when my husband would not come home. You see, codependency and control issues are often difficult to distinguish. I was taking care of a little girl on my own, my husband was bringing drugs into my home, and we were slowly going into financial ruin.

Every time I would try to be positive, something bad would happen. I was in a vicious cycle but I did not know it. Negativity precipitates negativity. The more negative thoughts, behavior,and events that entered my life, the more negativity I attracted. If there was positive in my life, I could not see it or attract it.

Getting ready for change

When I had my moment of clarity and I realized I was sick of my life the way it was, I made a change. Letting go of my addict husband was a process that helped me. I started going to meetings for families like mine, I sought a therapist, I mentally left my husband, and then shortly after, physically.

I started to let a little positive in each day. I made myself read positive affirmations daily. I interviewed for a job opportunity I really wanted and got the job. My father happened to be retiring the same time. I had to work again full time to be the sole supporter of my daughter, and he offered to take on a bigger role and help take care of my child. I reconnected with friends I had lost touch with who helped nurse me back to life. Everything started to come together in a way that forced, even the once skeptical me, to believe was some divine synchronicity.

How to live with an addict: change the focus

When you are caught in the cycle of addiction, life may seem hopeless. If you decide to stop talking to the addict, or stay in their life, either way, you can still make a choice to silence the negative and accentuate the positive. Once you start looking for the positive things about you, and your life, you will start to find them. Once you find them, more will become attracted to you. Eventually you will be taking the emphasis off of the negativity of the addict’s behavior and focus on what is positive within you.

Living with an addict questions

Do you still have questions or want to share your situation with us? Please leave us a message in the comments section below. We do our best to respond to all questions personally and promptly.

View the original article at addictionblog.org

7 May 2019
Dating and relationships after getting sober
By Judith O’Callaghan

New possibilities in early recovery

Early recovery opens up a world of possibility. Along with the excitement of new beginnings, you might find that getting sober can be lonely. After all, you’ve given up so much! Even though toxic relationships with people, places and things can release you, they also create a big hole.

You might be tempted to jump into dating, starting a new relationship, or even ending an existing relationship or marriage and start over. But should you get romantically involved while in early recovery? Can dating endanger your progress in recovery or sobriety? Should you or shouldn’t you?

Experts recommend that people refrain from making big decisions and significant changes right away (for at least 12 months after getting sober). We invite you to continue reading to explore more on the subject here. Then, we invite you to send us your questions at the end. In fact, we try to respond to all reader comments with a personal and prompt reply.

Dating in early addiction recovery

As eager as you are to rebuild your life, you will do well to take it slow and not make any major changes in at least your first year of sobriety. Why is this? Early sobriety is a time for you to get to know yourself and learn self-acceptance. Oftentimes, being involved with someone else takes the focus off of you and puts it on someone else. Coping with changes in relationships in early recovery can put your sobriety at risk.. So, why open that can of worms?

Remember, your primary objective is to take care of yourself and avoid distractions while you are still vulnerable. This is your time to work in therapy and with a sponsor to examine your past behaviors and patterns. This is your time to focus on introducing consistent activities to fill the void now that you are no longer involved with your drug of choice.
Here are a few ideas:
- join a gym
- take a class
- discover a new hobby
- get involved with a home group
- find a sponsor
What if you are already in a relationship?

Understanding yourself and being comfortable with yourself in recovery, before introducing others into your life, helps build a better foundation from which other relationships can grow and thrive. But what if you’re ALREADY in a relationship when you get clean?

Unless you are in an abusive relationship or one that threatens your sobriety in some way, the “no major changes in the first year” rule also applies to previously existing relationships/marriages. This may be the time to go to couples therapy and learn new ways to relate to and communicate with one another. It may be helpful for your partner to learn more about addiction and how it is reflected in the roles that you play.

When is a good time to start a relationship?

It really depends.

Eventually, you will be ready to share your new life with someone else. You will have some solid sober time behind you, a good working relationship with your sponsor, and a strong program of recovery. Plus, you’ll attract someone who can vibe on your level of physical and emotional health.
Still, remember to take it slow!

3 things to keep in mind about recovery relationships

And keep these points in mind:

1. Avoid dating people with significantly less sobriety than you have. If you choose to be in a relationship with someone else in recovery, make sure you protect and prioritize your own sobriety and do not “blend into” each other. Each of you needs to be vigilant about your daily commitments and stay sober.

2. Avoid “testing yourself” by going to bars and other high risk places. Look for new opportunities to meet people in sober settings, such as volunteer groups, classes, etc. Seek advice and support from your sponsor and other peers in recovery.

3. A relationship is no guarantee of happiness, if you are not happy with yourself. Always keep your sobriety your priority.

Got any questions?

If you would like to learn more or discuss about addiction recovery, sobriety, dating and relationships, we welcome you to share your questions or experiences in the section below. We try to respond to all legitimate inquiries with a personal and prompt response.

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About the Author: Judith O’Callaghan is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Licensed Alcohol and Drug Counselor, Medication Assisted Treatment Specialist, and nationally and internationally certified Co-Occurring Disorders Professional. She has extensive experience working with individuals, couples, and families on a wide variety of issues, including addiction, co-occurring disorders, family and marital problems, grief and loss, and school and career issues. At Mountainside, Judith works as an Outpatient clinician, providing clients in the early stages of recovery with the tools necessary to manage the daily life stressors associated with reintegration to life after residential treatment.

View the original article at addictionblog.org
3 May 2019