Answer Addiction

Tag: stop enabling

  • How to STOP enabling my drug addicted husband

    In terms of addiction, enabling has a negative connotation. It refers to a dysfunctional way of helping someone else in such a way that hurts the enabler and the person they think they are helping. In the article, “8 Signs You are a Co-addict“, we discussed many types of enabling. Whichever type you engage in, there are consequences to each.

    So, how can you end the enabling and move towards a healthier relationship…a healthier you? We review here. Then, we invite your questions at the end. In fact, we try to respond to all legitimate questions or comments with a personal and prompt response.

    Are you ready to hear the truth?

    Some women will post on my blog about how they want to stop enabling their husband’s addiction. Their posts seem so desperate and so imminent. I know what they are going through because I have been there; I was married to an addict, too. So, I spend time and energy crafting a heartfelt and realistic response. I try to address their needs and personalize the advice for them and then … weeks will go by and … nothing. Months and … nothing. Some of these women never reply.

    I thought about this for a while and tried to put myself in their shoes. When they are reading online for answers and posting their frustrations and their stories they are usually in a crisis situation, either the addict is binging on drugs, disappeared, or done some other inexcusable act. Just because they are posting on my blog does not mean that they are ready to hear what I have to tell them.

    When I explain what is most likely to happen or what will help them in the long run, they do not answer back because that is not the answer they were looking for. Most women are not ready to hear that they need to change. Perhaps telling their stories just helps them purge all of their anxiety or they still believe I can tell them how they can fix their partner.

    STOP enabling

    When I was married to an addict, the only advice I hoped to hear from my therapist and from other support people was that I could do “X,Y, and Z” and that would help me fix my husband and his addiction. I wanted to know that living with an addict was possible, and that he could change. When people suggested I had issues or that I should leave my husband I was mortified. I thought I could not live without him so I continued on the same path hoping something would happen that would change him.

    Twelve years passed and nothing happened.

    I still wanted to fix him, until one day an event forced me to fix myself. It was like I was tuning out all of the advice I needed to hear until one day I heard it because I was ready to listen.

    My husband was not forcing me to enable him; I was taking it upon myself to help him because I felt bad for him and I loved him. I realized when I did things that I knew made his addiction and life easier, even if it was acting crazy so he could feel justified to abuse drugs more, that I was not only enabling him but hurting myself. If he ever had a chance to stop using drugs, I had to realize it was not going to be because of me.

    Most enablers already know that being married, having children, and responsibilities are not enough reason for an addict to get sober. But, they still think one day they will say something and the addict might all of a sudden realize they are.

    It’s about boundaries

    Most addicts have no boundaries. An enabler eventually loses their own boundaries and their lives become convoluted and controlled by addiction. Enablers lose their identity and do not understand why they keep on doing what they are doing. So, how can you pull yourself back up to stand on your own two feet?

    Start empowering yourself!

    How to stop enabling a drug addict?

    To stop enabling a few things need to happen:

    1. You need to make a commitment to change.
    2. You must commit to stop your part in enabling 100%, not just some of the time.
    3. You must stop negative patterns and behaviors and replace them with positive ones.
    4. You need to get support from someone with experience and someone you trust to help you.
    5. You need to stop enabling him and start empowering you.

    Enablers feel the illusion of control when they help their partner. Once you let it go, you can stop trying to fix and control your partner, take that energy, and fix yourself. You can start asking yourself the questions:

    1. Why am I allowing this person and his addiction control my life?
    2. Why do I not feel good enough about myself to want to be treated better?
    3. Why am I so afraid to leave?
    4. Why do I have fears of abandonment, of being alone, of standing on my own two feet?

    If you focus on you, there is less of a chance you will have the time to focus on him. If you change your life and start doing things that bring back your self-confidence then it is less likely you will want to repair him.

    Addiction is a selfish condition because it usually involves the complete attention of more people than just the addict. It can draw in the wife, the children, the parents, and the friends if you allow it. Nevertheless, enabling is a choice even though it does not feel like one. The best way to stop enabling is to learn your enabling behaviors and make a conscious choice to STOP.

    Need some help?

    We invite you to leave your questions in the comments section below. We do our best to respond to each person individually and promptly!

    View the original article at addictionblog.org

  • How to STOP enabling my drug addicted husband

    How to STOP enabling my drug addicted husband

    In terms of addiction, enabling has a negative connotation. It refers to a dysfunctional way of helping someone else in such a way that hurts the enabler and the person they think they are helping. In the article, “8 Signs You are a Co-addict“, we discussed many types of enabling. Whichever type you engage in, there are consequences to each.

    So, how can you end the enabling and move towards a healthier relationship…a healthier you? We review here. Then, we invite your questions at the end. In fact, we try to respond to all legitimate questions or comments with a personal and prompt response.

    Are you ready to hear the truth?

    Some women will post on my blog about how they want to stop enabling their husband’s addiction. Their posts seem so desperate and so imminent. I know what they are going through because I have been there; I was married to an addict, too. So, I spend time and energy crafting a heartfelt and realistic response. I try to address their needs and personalize the advice for them and then … weeks will go by and … nothing. Months and … nothing. Some of these women never reply.

    I thought about this for a while and tried to put myself in their shoes. When they are reading online for answers and posting their frustrations and their stories they are usually in a crisis situation, either the addict is binging on drugs, disappeared, or done some other inexcusable act. Just because they are posting on my blog does not mean that they are ready to hear what I have to tell them.

    When I explain what is most likely to happen or what will help them in the long run, they do not answer back because that is not the answer they were looking for. Most women are not ready to hear that they need to change. Perhaps telling their stories just helps them purge all of their anxiety or they still believe I can tell them how they can fix their partner.

    STOP enabling

    When I was married to an addict, the only advice I hoped to hear from my therapist and from other support people was that I could do “X,Y, and Z” and that would help me fix my husband and his addiction. I wanted to know that living with an addict was possible, and that he could change. When people suggested I had issues or that I should leave my husband I was mortified. I thought I could not live without him so I continued on the same path hoping something would happen that would change him.

    Twelve years passed and nothing happened.

    I still wanted to fix him, until one day an event forced me to fix myself. It was like I was tuning out all of the advice I needed to hear until one day I heard it because I was ready to listen.

    My husband was not forcing me to enable him; I was taking it upon myself to help him because I felt bad for him and I loved him. I realized when I did things that I knew made his addiction and life easier, even if it was acting crazy so he could feel justified to abuse drugs more, that I was not only enabling him but hurting myself. If he ever had a chance to stop using drugs, I had to realize it was not going to be because of me.

    Most enablers already know that being married, having children, and responsibilities are not enough reason for an addict to get sober. But, they still think one day they will say something and the addict might all of a sudden realize they are.

    It’s about boundaries

    Most addicts have no boundaries. An enabler eventually loses their own boundaries and their lives become convoluted and controlled by addiction. Enablers lose their identity and do not understand why they keep on doing what they are doing. So, how can you pull yourself back up to stand on your own two feet?

    Start empowering yourself!

    How to stop enabling a drug addict?

    To stop enabling a few things need to happen:

    1. You need to make a commitment to change.
    2. You must commit to stop your part in enabling 100%, not just some of the time.
    3. You must stop negative patterns and behaviors and replace them with positive ones.
    4. You need to get support from someone with experience and someone you trust to help you.
    5. You need to stop enabling him and start empowering you.

    Enablers feel the illusion of control when they help their partner. Once you let it go, you can stop trying to fix and control your partner, take that energy, and fix yourself. You can start asking yourself the questions:

    1. Why am I allowing this person and his addiction control my life?
    2. Why do I not feel good enough about myself to want to be treated better?
    3. Why am I so afraid to leave?
    4. Why do I have fears of abandonment, of being alone, of standing on my own two feet?

    If you focus on you, there is less of a chance you will have the time to focus on him. If you change your life and start doing things that bring back your self-confidence then it is less likely you will want to repair him.

    Addiction is a selfish condition because it usually involves the complete attention of more people than just the addict. It can draw in the wife, the children, the parents, and the friends if you allow it. Nevertheless, enabling is a choice even though it does not feel like one. The best way to stop enabling is to learn your enabling behaviors and make a conscious choice to STOP.

    Need some help?

    We invite you to leave your questions in the comments section below. We do our best to respond to each person individually and promptly!

    View the original article at addictionblog.org

  • How to STOP enabling my drug addicted husband

    How to STOP enabling my drug addicted husband

    In terms of addiction, enabling has a negative connotation. It refers to a dysfunctional way of helping someone else in such a way that hurts the enabler and the person they think they are helping. In the article, “8 Signs You are a Co-addict“, we discussed many types of enabling. Whichever type you engage in, there are consequences to each.

    So, how can you end the enabling and move towards a healthier relationship…a healthier you? We review here. Then, we invite your questions at the end. In fact, we try to respond to all legitimate questions or comments with a personal and prompt response.

    Are you ready to hear the truth?

    Some women will post on my blog about how they want to stop enabling their husband’s addiction. Their posts seem so desperate and so imminent. I know what they are going through because I have been there; I was married to an addict, too. So, I spend time and energy crafting a heartfelt and realistic response. I try to address their needs and personalize the advice for them and then … weeks will go by and … nothing. Months and … nothing. Some of these women never reply.

    I thought about this for a while and tried to put myself in their shoes. When they are reading online for answers and posting their frustrations and their stories they are usually in a crisis situation, either the addict is binging on drugs, disappeared, or done some other inexcusable act. Just because they are posting on my blog does not mean that they are ready to hear what I have to tell them.

    When I explain what is most likely to happen or what will help them in the long run, they do not answer back because that is not the answer they were looking for. Most women are not ready to hear that they need to change. Perhaps telling their stories just helps them purge all of their anxiety or they still believe I can tell them how they can fix their partner.

    STOP enabling

    When I was married to an addict, the only advice I hoped to hear from my therapist and from other support people was that I could do “X,Y, and Z” and that would help me fix my husband and his addiction. I wanted to know that living with an addict was possible, and that he could change. When people suggested I had issues or that I should leave my husband I was mortified. I thought I could not live without him so I continued on the same path hoping something would happen that would change him.

    Twelve years passed and nothing happened.

    I still wanted to fix him, until one day an event forced me to fix myself. It was like I was tuning out all of the advice I needed to hear until one day I heard it because I was ready to listen.

    My husband was not forcing me to enable him; I was taking it upon myself to help him because I felt bad for him and I loved him. I realized when I did things that I knew made his addiction and life easier, even if it was acting crazy so he could feel justified to abuse drugs more, that I was not only enabling him but hurting myself. If he ever had a chance to stop using drugs, I had to realize it was not going to be because of me.

    Most enablers already know that being married, having children, and responsibilities are not enough reason for an addict to get sober. But, they still think one day they will say something and the addict might all of a sudden realize they are.

    It’s about boundaries

    Most addicts have no boundaries. An enabler eventually loses their own boundaries and their lives become convoluted and controlled by addiction. Enablers lose their identity and do not understand why they keep on doing what they are doing. So, how can you pull yourself back up to stand on your own two feet?

    Start empowering yourself!

    How to stop enabling a drug addict?

    To stop enabling a few things need to happen:

    1. You need to make a commitment to change.
    2. You must commit to stop your part in enabling 100%, not just some of the time.
    3. You must stop negative patterns and behaviors and replace them with positive ones.
    4. You need to get support from someone with experience and someone you trust to help you.
    5. You need to stop enabling him and start empowering you.

    Enablers feel the illusion of control when they help their partner. Once you let it go, you can stop trying to fix and control your partner, take that energy, and fix yourself. You can start asking yourself the questions:

    1. Why am I allowing this person and his addiction control my life?
    2. Why do I not feel good enough about myself to want to be treated better?
    3. Why am I so afraid to leave?
    4. Why do I have fears of abandonment, of being alone, of standing on my own two feet?

    If you focus on you, there is less of a chance you will have the time to focus on him. If you change your life and start doing things that bring back your self-confidence then it is less likely you will want to repair him.

    Addiction is a selfish condition because it usually involves the complete attention of more people than just the addict. It can draw in the wife, the children, the parents, and the friends if you allow it. Nevertheless, enabling is a choice even though it does not feel like one. The best way to stop enabling is to learn your enabling behaviors and make a conscious choice to STOP.

    Need some help?

    We invite you to leave your questions in the comments section below. We do our best to respond to each person individually and promptly!

    View the original article at addictionblog.org

  • The Secret of Talking to Your Addicted Sibling (Brother or Sister)

    The Secret of Talking to Your Addicted Sibling (Brother or Sister)

    ARTICLE SUMMARY: Just one family member with a drinking or drug problem can bring imbalance to the entire group. And if you’ve offered help, your brother or sister may have refused it because they still don’t believe they have a problem. This article reviews ways to improve your approach to convince your sibling to get into treatment. More here, with a section at the end for questions. 

    ESTIMATED READING TIME: 10 minutes.

    TABLE OF CONTENTS

    You’re More Important than You Think

    We sure can love and hate our brothers and sisters. Growing up together can test our very souls. But when you’re worried about your silbing’s behavior, your input can be more important that you know. This study reports a well-known fact:

    The onset of substance use typically occurs during adolescence. 

    But the research also suggests that siblings and peers may provide complementary influences on how people navigate the transition through teen and early adult years. You can transmit a good example, or you can provide a bad one. Your sibling sees you horizontally. In other words, you have more influence than you think!

    So, what can you do first?

    Are You Helping…or Enabling?

    The big thing is to recognize if you’re actually helping or enabling your addicted sibling with your actions. Enabling is a behavior that prevents someone from responsibility. It’s basically when you get in the way of having your brother or sister experience consequences for their drug or alcohol use. Enabling can look like:

    1. Paying bills, filling the car with gas, or buying groceries.

    2. Telling lies or making excuses for your sibling.

    3. Bailing the person out of jail.

    4. Cleaning up after the person.

    5. Threatening to leave but failing to follow through on your threats.

    6. Accepting part of the blame for your brother or sister’s bad behavior.

    7. Trying to strengthen the relationship by drinking or taking drugs together.

    8. Avoiding family issues or problems that need to be addressed.

    Enabling adds to an addiction. It doesn’t help.

    You might have already been stuck in this position and don’t know how to help your sibling. How can you address the seriousness of their substance (ab)use? Can you somehow help them move from the position of denial?

    We think that you need professional help. Planning an intervention is especially hard when you have no professional experience in this area. Addiction is a medical condition, so consulting a professional can be the best place to start. Who can you ask for help?

    Where to Get Help

    When someone has a drug problem, it’s not always easy to know what to do. NIDA for Teens recommends that you talk with someone you trust. You can talk to a parent, school guidance counselor, or other trusted adult like a sports coach, youth group leader, or community leader.

    Plus, confidential resources are out there, like the Treatment Referral Helpline (1-800-662-HELP) offered by the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, which refers callers to particular treatment facilities, support groups, and other local organizations. You can also locate substance abuse treatment centers in your state by going to samhsa.gov/treatment.

    Here are some other ideas:

    1. Talk with your family doctor. S/He can refer you to local specialists such as addiction doctors (Find an ABAM specialist), psychotherapists or counselors (Find an APA psychologist member near you), or psychiatrists (Find an ABA psychiatrist near you).

    2. Talk with a social worker. You can contact your state’s Department of Health and Social Services to talk through the treatment options. Plus, you can see what services are available FOR YOU! Need counseling? Ask!

    3. Call our hotline number listed above. Caring operators are ready to take your call and talk you through the process of detox and addiction treatment. Plus, it’s possible that you need to be connected with a professional interventionist. Reach out. Help is just a phone call away.

    4. Call an addictions counselor, a psychiatrist, or a doctor who’s studied addiction. The following professional associations can connect you with someone in your area:

    The Secret Of Talking: Planning

    The first step to planning an intervention is preparation. To understand the nature of addiction, first read more about the signs and symptoms of drug/alcohol abuse. Knowing more will help you when talking with other members of your family and as you ask for advice from a professional. Then, together, you can agree who will talk to your sibling about getting help.

    Also, be prepared to speak with other family members about your concerns. Make sure that you are safe from potential emotional and/or physical harm. It is crucial to gain your own emotional stability, so you can better cope with the problem and more easily overcome the barriers toward recovery.

    Speaking with others who are having similar struggles is always productive. Consider SMART Recovery Friends & Family, which offer science-based, secular support group meeting (both online and in-person) to help those who are affected by the substance abuse, drug abuse, alcohol abuse or other addictions or Al-Anon or Alateen, a Twelve-Step organization providing help to family members of alcoholics. Meetings are widely available and free of charge.

    Top 5 Things To Avoid When Talking To Your Addicted Sibling

    Rule #1 – Avoid confrontation.

    Instead of blaming your brother or sister for their condition, try to focus the conversation on your feelings and how their behavior affects you. The outcome may be to visit a therapist together, so you can solve your personal difficulties with the addiction in your family. Step by step, the therapist will shift the focus to your sibling without him/her noticing that the treatment is actually meant for them.

    Rule #2 – Ask them to make immediate decision.

    Do not let your sibling step back and think of the situation over time. Instead, be prepared to immediately consult a treatment program once s/he understands that dysfunction is occuring. This is a crucial part of the intervention, as the recovery process starts with the decision of accepting treatment.

    Rule #3 – Do not threaten your sibling.

    Not that it’s just ineffective, but threats to someone using drugs or drinking can also be dangerous. When people are in panic or consumed by a feeling of fear, they can be very aggresive. Conflict brings even more conflict, and suggestions and support will not have any impact if the vibes are negative in the relationship.

    Rule #4 – Don’t try to talk when your sibling is under influence.

    Rule #5 – Never ever offer drugs or alcohol to your addicted sibling!

    It is very important to remember that addiction is a serious disease and you should always treat it in that way. Accepting treatment should never be celebrated by taking “one last dose”. Stopping the enabling cycle means respecting that addiction is a sickness. When you refuse to participate in it, you set a good example.

    Questions?

    Do you struggle with the idea of addressing your sibling’s addiction? We hope this short article can help. If you have any additional questions, please post them in the comments section below. We try to reply to all legitimate questions with a personal response and as soon as possible.

    Reference sources: Drug-free: Helping an Adult Family Member or Friend with a Drug or Alcohol Problem
    Project Know: Support Groups for Families of Alcoholics
    The Recovery Village: 9 tips for family members to stop enabling an addict

    View the original article at

  • Taking Care of an Addict? 5 Tips to Love Yourself First

    Taking Care of an Addict? 5 Tips to Love Yourself First

    This article is short on purpose.

    The tips herein are straight from experience. And, the advice offered is practical and straight forward. If you have any questions, or would like to chat with the author, please send us a comment at the end of the page. Amanda extends her compassion to our readers, and often respond to personal comments within a few days of notification.

    Does This Sound Familiar?

    I am in love with an addict and I try to do anything I can to make sure they are okay.

    If this statement sounds like you, then it is clear that you are not putting yourself first in your own life. Most of us who are in love with an addict are people who are used to being people pleasers and taking care of others. This role for some people starts before they fall in love with an addict. It can seem normal and feel comfortable to choose a spouse or loved one that needs so much of your time and attention because most co-addicts are caretakers by nature.

    In order to break the cycle, you must do the following;

    1. Admit that you are a co-addict and codependent.

    2. Acknowledge and affirm that you want to change.

    3. Find a support person, this can be a trusted friend, therapist or support group that will hold you accountable to this change you want to make.

    4. Write a list of all of the things you do for the addict that you know you should not be doing and then make a list of things that you know you should be doing for yourself.

    5. Start with the first thing on each list and work on them simultaneously. Do not move on to the next point on either list until you have completed successfully the prior action step.

    When it becomes second nature to take care of someone else’s needs before your own, it may take time and practice to undo those impulses. It is important that you take one action step from each list and work on them together so that you have one action that you should not be doing and replace it with something that you know you should be doing. It can be the simplest of tasks.

    For example, from list one, you can stop checking your phone at night for calls from the addict who has not come home and from list two, you could do five minutes of meditation instead.  The purpose here is to replace one habit and replace it with a positive action that is rooted in self-love and self-care.

    Take Care of Yourself First (Instead of the Addict)

    The most important part of loving yourself first is admitting that you are NOT doing it. If you can have a real and honest dialogue with your inner self, then you can start taking the action steps. It is the most empowering feeling to start the process and give you the attention and love you deserve. It can be scary to let go but it will start to feel very good to release the illusion of control you have over the addict and start to take control back of the only thing you can in your life—and that is you!

    View the original article at