Category: Addiction News

Fentanyl-Related Deaths Skyrocket In Ohio

“There is nothing that worries me more than synthetic opiates—and what will be the next, more powerful synthetic that hits the street,” said one police official.

Fentanyl is taking over the illicit drug market in the greater Cincinnati area, sparking a 1,000% increase in overdose deaths in Hamilton County.

In 2013, authorities there logged 24 fentanyl-related deaths. Last year, they counted 324, according to the Cincinnati Enquirer.

The drug’s popularity has grown so explosively it’s overshadowed heroin deaths. Last year, the Hamilton County coroner found fentanyl involved in 85% of overdose deaths the office examined, while the county’s crime lab detected the substance in more than 90% of the drugs tested in the first five months of this year.

“Fentanyl and similar synthetic opiates have produced overdoses and deaths in not only unprecedented numbers but previously unimaginable,” Newtown Police Chief Tom Synan told the Ohio paper. “It is no longer a heroin epidemic but a synthetic-opiate epidemic.”

The problem in Ohio mirrors the issue nationwide, Synan said. In 2016, according to a research letter published in the Journal of the American Medical Association, fentanyl was involved in roughly half of opioid-related deaths.

“It’s the small amounts of the extremely deadly substances that are killing people,” Hamilton County coroner Dr. Lakshmi Sammarco told the paper.

Just days after the Cincinnati paper published its report, the Billings Gazette in Montana detailed an apparent uptick in fentanyl-related deaths in the county that houses Fort Peck Indian Reservation. There, officials are bumping up naloxone training efforts and considering reactivating a regional drug task force.

And in May, the Minneapolis Star Tribune detailed a spike in fentanyl-related overdoses in Minnesota, where officials are pushing to treat fatal overdoses as homicides.

Even as the epidemic spreads, officials in Ohio are warning it could get worse as underground chemists start pumping out new analogues of the dangerous drug, some of which could be more potent.

And, as officials elsewhere have warned, fentanyl is starting to pop up in cocaine and meth supplies.

“The introduction of synthetic opiates like fentanyl has killed tens of thousands of Americans and should be seen as the country’s most pressing health, national security issue and social crisis we face right now,” Synan said. “There is nothing that worries me more than synthetic opiates—and what will be the next, more powerful synthetic that hits the street.”

View the original article at thefix.com

11 June 2018
President Trump Will "Probably" Support Ending Federal Marijuana Ban

Despite what he and Jeff Sessions have said in the past, President Trump has promised to support bipartisan legislation to legalize marijuana.

On Friday, President Donald Trump publicly said that he would be willing to support a bipartisan bill by Congress to lift the federal ban on marijuana.

Historically, marijuana has been subject to a federal ban alongside LSD and heroin. Recently, some states have moved to legalize marijuana, placing the drug in a strange middle ground where it is both legal and illegal depending on the tier of law considered.

The bipartisan proposal would allow each state to decide on its own how to treat marijuana within its borders, while recommending a few federal restrictions such as an age limit set at 21.

“I support Senator Gardner. I know exactly what he’s doing,” Trump told reporters, referring to Republican Senator Cory Gardner of Colorado. “We’re looking at it. But I probably will end up supporting that, yes.”

President Trump’s remarks greatly deviate from his appointed U.S. Attorney General Jeff Sessions’ stance on pot. Sessions has previously reversed the Obama-era hands-off marijuana policy to start cracking down on cannabis again.

“The previous issuance of guidance undermines the rule of law and the ability of our local, state, tribal, and federal law enforcement partners to carry out this mission,” Sessions wrote in a memo allowing federal prosecutors to return to “previously established prosecutorial principles that provide them all the necessary tools to disrupt criminal organizations, tackle the growing drug crisis, and thwart violent crime across our country.”

The president himself has been wishy-washy about marijuana. During his campaign, he has at times said he would respect states’ decisions on marijuana, while he would also criticize legalization efforts.

Senator Gardner wants to ensure that no matter what states decide, the federal government will keep its hands off.

Democratic Senator Elizabeth Warren of Massachusetts is another one of the bipartisan supporters of the measure. She said that Washington “needs to get out of the business of outlawing marijuana.”

With such a change, legal marijuana businesses in states like California would no longer have to worry about the looming threat of federal drug enforcement coming to sweep away their investments. This would also help with the fact that banks hesitate to do business with legal marijuana dispensaries because of fear of being prosecuted by the federal government.

View the original article at thefix.com

11 June 2018
Dear Val Kilmer, Anthony Bourdain Did Love Us
Suicide is not about someone wanting to leave their family. It is about them being in so much pain they felt they could not stay.

Trigger warning: The following story discusses a the completed suicide of a celebrity and links to potentially triggering articles. Proceed with caution. If you feel you are at risk and need help, skip the story and get help now. Options include: Calling the U.S. National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 800-273-TALK (8255), calling 911, and calling a friend or family member to stay with you until emergency medical personnel arrive to help you.

The news of celebrity chef and best-selling author Anthony Bourdain’s death by suicide is tragic. He was relatable, he was witty, and he was raw. Bourdain, the host of CNN’s hit show, Anthony Boudain: Parts Unknown, never held back when it came to talking about his struggles with depression, drugs, and staying sober, endearing himself even more to a fanbase that already spanned the globe.

Still, many were shocked to learn of Bourdain’s death on June 8, 2018, just three days after fashion icon Kate Spade’s completed suicide. Suicide rates have risen 30 percent in the United States in less than two decades, says data recently released by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). Depression reportedly played a part in both Spade‘s and Bourdain’s deaths.

Mental health advocates have routinely cautioned against describing suicide as selfish because it may trigger a vulnerable individual to act. Hollywood actor Val Kilmer, however, seems to give more weight to what a spiritual guide once told him than the warnings of the CDC, the American Psychological Association (APA), and the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI). Kilmer is now on the receiving end of fan disapproval after publishing a lengthy Facebook post in which he called Bourdain “selfish” for taking himself away from Kilmer and his fans.

“From every corner of the world you were loved. So selfish,” Kilmer wrote. “You’ve given us cause to be so angry.”

It was this spiritual guide, Kilmer says, who once told him a story to explain how “suicide is the most selfish act.”

What Kilmer didn’t realize when he hit publish on this post is exactly how selfish he himself was being by prioritizing his need to publicly call Bourdain out over and above everyone else’s need to avoid triggering suicidal ideations.

Kilmer’s suicide shaming remarks, and those from others who share the same outdated view, are harmful to people who are depressed and vulnerable to suicide contagion.

“Selfishness has nothing to do with it,” says Gigi Griffis, who remembers being so depressed that she wanted to die. When Griffis felt herself being lost to her depression, she remembers thinking the world would be better without her.

“Suicide isn’t something people do to punish those around them…it’s a collection of lies – that you won’t be missed, that you don’t matter, that the world would be a better place without you – that has nothing to do with anyone around you – and everything to do with the depression itself,” Griffis says.

When the brother of bestselling author Rene Denfeld died by suicide in 2005, he left notes for his family members.

“He said he was sorry, he just couldn’t bear life any more,” Denfeld said on twitter. “That’s a tragedy. That’s our collective failure. The pain that killed him is no different than a cancer or illness.”

When the time came to submit the obituary to the local paper, Denfeld was asked to “change his cause of death” due to the paper’s policy of not printing the word “suicide.” Denfeld, determined to honor her brother’s memory with truth, stood her ground.

Denfeld’s focus right now is to remind people who are participating in the online discussions about Spade and Bourdain that insinuating the deceased did not love their survivors is shaming and hurtful. But Kilmer’s comments won’t be on her radar for too long. He’s just one voice. Denfeld would much rather celebrate the progress made in the 13 years since her brother died.

“I come from a family of suicides. Please don’t shame survivors by acting like our loved ones didn’t love us. Suicide is not about someone wanting to leave their family. It is about them being in so much pain they felt they could not stay,” says Denfeld. “A lot has changed, and it’s for the better. We are finally talking about this incredibly common, heart-breaking form of loss. I am thankful for that, because now we can finally sorrow together.”

If you or someone you know may be at risk for suicide, immediately seek help. You are not alone.

Options include:
- Calling the U.S. National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 800-273-TALK (8255)
- Calling 911
- Calling a friend or family member to stay with you until emergency medical personnel arrive to help you.
View the original article at thefix.com
11 June 2018
Canada Moves Closer To Legalizing Recreational Marijuana

Canada is taking a countrywide approach to avoid the issues that have unfolded in the United States, according to one Canadian senator.

Canada is one step closer to becoming the first major global economy to legalize recreational marijuana, with the Senate passing a legalization plan on Thursday.

The plan and all its amendments will now move on to the House, according to the BBC. If approved there, legal sales are expected to start within 12 weeks, meaning it could be legal to purchase marijuana in Canada by the end of the summer.

According to one Canadian Senator, Canada is taking a countrywide approach to avoid the issues that have unfolded in the United States, where cannabis is legal in some states but prohibited under federal law.

“We’ve very much learned from the early mistakes made by some U.S. states and other jurisdictions,” Canadian Sen. Tony Dean, an independent who sponsored the bill in the Senate, told USA Today. “We know we have a national challenge with cannabis. We have some of the highest youth consumption rates in the world, an illegal cannabis market worth upward of $6 billion annually, we know it’s harmful for kids, especially younger kids… and we had a government that wanted to tackle those issues.”

Having a national system will allow the Canadian government to address these issues above board, according to Roy Bingham, the CEO and co-founder of cannabis data firm BDS Analytics.

“Canada is creating a normal industry. What we have in the United States is a very abnormal industry,” he said. “In Canada, you see tobacco, alcohol, pharmaceutical companies, all these mainstream industries interested in getting involved.”

Prime Minister Justin Trudeau ran on a platform of marijuana legalization in 2015. The senate measure will make recreational use and sale of marijuana legal, but it will leave the specifics of the cannabis laws up to each province or state.

Marijuana firms, researchers and public health experts will all be watching Canada closely to see how the market for legalized cannabis unfolds.

“It’s going to be a bit of a science fiction experience for a while,” Benedikt Fischer, an expert on substance use at Toronto’s biggest psychiatric hospital, told The Guardian. “It’s unique in the world, because it’s happening for the first time in a wealthy country. It’s not like in the U.S., where there are these state experiments. Most people kind of ignore Uruguay. And so the world is really looking at this.”

One issue will be setting the price of cannabis high enough to prevent new users from getting started with marijuana, but low enough to discourage black market sales.

“What I am mainly following … is who will be the new legal growers, and whether authorities manage to get some of the illegal growers to become legal growers,” said Tim Boekhout van Solinge, a Dutch criminologist.

Other issues including the impact of legalization on use of other drugs and dealing with impaired drivers, will also be closely monitored by policymakers and researchers from around the globe.

“They’re waiting to see if the sky’s going to fall,” said Jordan Sinclair, company spokesman for Canopy Growth, a medical marijuana grower in Canada. “[Investors] are waiting to see if all the stigma and all the demonization of this product that’s built up in 90 years of prohibition is true. It’s on us to demonstrate that it’s not.”

View the original article at thefix.com

9 June 2018
Marijuana “Tasting Rooms” Proposal Vetoed By Colorado Governor

Critics contend that Hickenlooper’s veto will backfire, driving the rise of more unregulated, indoor clubs.

Colorado governor John Hickenlooper vetoed a bill on Monday that would have allowed marijuana sellers to establish “tasting rooms” for their product. And while some observed that it wasn’t the first time Gov. Hickenlooper has shot down similar bills, the veto took the wind out of many Colorado pot retailers’ sails.

Many sellers had hoped their state would allow people to use marijuana in a regulated, public space. In a statement explaining his veto, the governor cited concerns about impaired drivers and other public health issues.

“We may agree with the proponents’ goals to protect the public and children; however, we strongly disagree that this bill is the correct path to achieve those goals,” Hickenlooper wrote.

He was also concerned that passing the bill might prompt a federal crackdown on Colorado’s pot industry.

The governor did, however, acknowledge that the most recent version of the bill was a far cry from previous versions. In fact, the bill “dramatically scaled back some advocates’ ambitions for stand-alone businesses reminiscent of a neighborhood bar or an upscale club,” The Washington Post reported.

Interestingly, the bill that Hickenlooper vetoed didn’t allow marijuana to be smoked in the establishments themselves and also left it up to local municipalities to make decisions around “tasting rooms.”

Proponents of the bill believed it could “resolve a stubborn conflict in Colorado and other states with legal marijuana,” given that while pot possession in Colorado is legal, public use (including in streets and parks) could lead to a police citation. By and large, most states have delayed developing statewide systems for public consumption.

Alaska, the Post added, is one notable exception: regulators there will begin discussions later this month about letting people smoke pot inside stores.

Denver regulators were forced by a voter-backed initiative into allowing sites, otherwise known as “social consumption facilities,” where customers bring their own weed.

Still, state and local regulators assert a tight grip on the business models that govern those facilities. In fact, as the Post notes, “permitted locations have limited interest”—perhaps an understatement, given that Denver officials have issued one permit for a pot club, not to mention only receiving two applications overall since last summer.

Meanwhile, others continue to watch Denver’s system closely: Las Vegas-area officials, for example, have been playing a wait-and-see game with their own licensure. If Denver’s system works, Las Vegas may follow suit.

Until then, San Francisco is the only city in the U.S. that allows lounges where people can legally smoke marijuana products.

In the meantime, critics contend that Hickenlooper’s veto will backfire, driving the rise of more unregulated, indoor clubs. Despite the setback, though, many proponents of the bill remain resolute.

“In its wisdom, the Colorado Legislature sought to close a significant gap in regulation,” said Chris Woods, the owner of an Aurora-based marijuana retailer. “It’s unfortunate that the governor chose not to offer another regulatory tool to state and local regulators. This fight is not over.”

View the original article at thefix.com

9 June 2018
Anthony Bourdain Dies At 61

The “original rock star of the culinary world” was a celebrated writer and chef who had conquered heroin addiction and became world famous in his forties.

Beloved chef and world-renowned television personality Anthony Bourdain was found dead Friday morning in his hotel in France. He was 61.

CNN confirmed that the TV host died by suicide. He was in France working on an upcoming episode for his long-running food and travel show, Parts Unknown. Bourdain is survived by his 11-year-old daughter, ex-wife Ottavia Busia and girlfriend Asia Argento.

Coined the “original rock star of the culinary world” by the Smithsonian, Bourdain made a name for himself with the publication of a New Yorker article — Don’t Eat Before Reading This—where the chef spilled some “trade secrets” about his time spent in professional kitchens and the cast of characters he encountered.

With book editors intrigued, Bourdain would soon write his literary opus, Kitchen Confidential: Adventures in the Culinary Underbelly. The New York Times bestseller gave outsiders a no holds barred look into the raucous world of cuisine. Infused with Bourdain’s trademark no-nonsense personality, readers were introduced to the chef who was caught up in the frenzied world of sex, drugs, and dinner service.

Bourdain’s celebrity exploded shortly after the release of Kitchen Confidential.

Bourdain detailed in a 2016 Biography interview how the memoir changed his life smack dab in the middle of his forties: “Oh, man, at the age of 44, I was standing in kitchens, not knowing what it was like to go to sleep without being in mortal terror. I was in horrible, endless, irrevocable debt. I had no health insurance. I didn’t pay my taxes. I couldn’t pay my rent. It was a nightmare, but it’s all been different for about 15 years. If it looks like my life is comfortable, well, that’s a very new thing for me.”

He would go on to become one of the most popular celebrity chefs of this generation with a string of food and travel shows such as A Cook’s Tour, No Reservations, The Layover and Parts Unknown.

Bourdain was also open about his battles with addiction. He began using drugs during the early portion of his restaurant career and eventually became an avid heroin user.

He told Biography, “I got off of heroin in the 1980s. Friends of mine from the ‘70s and ‘80s, they just got off five, six, maybe 10 years ago. And we’re the lucky ones. We made it out alive. There are a lot of guys that didn’t get that far. But you know, I also don’t have that many regrets either.”

Celebrities, politicians, cooking peers and fans took to Twitter to remember the beloved chef. Former President Barack Obama tweeted, “‘Low plastic stool, cheap but delicious noodles, cold Hanoi beer.’ This is how I’ll remember Tony. He taught us about food—but more importantly, about its ability to bring us together. To make us a little less afraid of the unknown. We’ll miss him.”

Gordon Ramsay tweeted, “Stunned and saddened by the loss of Anthony Bourdain. He brought the world into our homes and inspired so many people to explore cultures and cities through their food. Remember that help is a phone call away US:1-800-273-TALK UK: 116 123”

Chef Eric Ripert, Bourdain’s best friend, paid tribute on Twitter, “Anthony was my best friend. An exceptional human being, so inspiring & generous. One of the great storytellers who connected w so many. I pray he is at peace from the bottom of my heart. My love & prayers are also w his family, friends and loved ones.”

If you or someone you know is thinking about suicide, call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) in the US. To find a suicide helpline outside the U.S., visit IASP or Suicide.org.

View the original article at thefix.com

8 June 2018
David Cassidy Revealed He Was Still Drinking, Didn't Have Dementia Prior To Death

Cassidy made the confession to a producer in a recorded conversation, which will air as part of an upcoming documentary about his life.

Last year, Partridge Family star David Cassidy announced that he was suffering from dementia. But just two months before he died last November, Cassidy admitted that he never had dementia, but was struggling with alcoholism throughout the end of his life.

“There is no sign of me having dementia at this stage of my life. It was complete alcohol poisoning,” Cassidy explained to A&E producer Saralena Weinfield in a recorded conversation that is now part of a documentary called David Cassidy: The Last Session, which will air on June 11.

According to People, Cassidy went on: “The fact is that I lied about my drinking,” he said. “I did this to myself to cover up the sadness and the emptiness.”

It was no secret that Cassidy battled alcoholism. He was arrested for driving under the influence three times in five years. However, after he went to inpatient rehab in 2014 he told friends and family that he was sober.

“If I take another drink, I’m going to die, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. I’m dead,” Cassidy told Piers Morgan during an interview following that rehab stay. “You know, they say it’s a slippery slope… It’s not a slippery slope. It’s from 12:00 to 6:00 on the clock and the whole face is ice. One sip, one drink, because there is no such thing, not to an alcoholic. You have one and you’re done. I’d be done.”

In 2017, footage of Cassidy during a live performance appeared to show that he was drunk. It was after that performance that he said he was suffering from a major medical issue—dementia.

However, just before his death Cassidy revealed that this was never the case.

“I have a liver disease,” he told Weinfield after he was rushed to the hospital after falling. Two months later Cassidy died of organ failure at the age of 67. Not even his two children knew that he was still problematically drinking alcohol, according to People. However, not everyone was shocked.

“Part of alcoholism is lying,” Partridge Family costar Danny Bonaduce said. “When you’re an addict, you know you can’t be honest with people. You say what you want them to hear. I can’t be mad at David for that, but it’s still a tragedy.”

Ultimately, documentary producers said that they decided to use the confession because they felt that Cassidy wanted it made public.

“He wanted to share this very private part of his life, and to be honest once and for all. And I think he succeeded in doing that,” said producer John Marks.

View the original article at thefix.com

8 June 2018
Artie Lange Receives Sentence For 2017 Heroin Bust

Lange took to Twitter after the sentence to praise the judge, his lawyer and the prosecutor for their efforts.

Comedian Artie Lange was sentenced to four years of probation for drug charges stemming from a May 2017 arrest for heroin possession.

New Jersey State Superior Court Judge Nancy Sivilli handed down the sentence to the Crashing star on June 1, along with orders to complete an outpatient drug treatment program and 50 hours of community service.

In a tweet issued the following day, Lange wrote that the judge’s decision was “very fair,” but also added “4 yrs [sic] probation is a long time.” The arrest and sentence is the latest in a string of run-ins with the law and treatment for Lange, who has struggled with drug dependency since his tenure on Mad TV in the mid-1990s.

Both Lange and his lawyer, Frank Arleo, asked for probation, citing that lack of work would be both financially and personally devastating for the comedian and his family; Lange noted that his mother relies on his financial support, and claimed that he was “happiest… and most productive when [he works].”

Lange and Arleo stated that with a second memoir due in July, combined with a tour and promotional duties, as well as his work on the Judd Apatow-produced HBO series Crashing, and stand-up engagements, he’s “going to be busy,” as Arleo said.

Both were also sanguine about Lange’s health and dependency issues. Arleo said that he had been frank with Lange about how he needed to adhere to the terms of probation: “He knows he’s at the end of the road,” he told Judge Sivilli.

For his part, Lange said that he has “an issue that needs to be taken care of,” and it would be best served by being allowed to continue to work.

Assistant prosecutor Tony Gutierrez painted a different picture of Lange’s probation request. He cited past instances of Lange being asked to leave treatment in New Canaan, Connecticut for possessing OxyContin, and said that long-term in-patient programs would be more effective as treatment. And providing him with funding from his book and promotional tour would only give him more opportunities and funds to use drugs, he said. “He is not doing the right thing to help himself,” said Gutierrez.

Ultimately, Gutierrez sided with Lange, but added a stern warning about his behavior while in probation. “Mr. Lange, the ball’s in your court now,” she said, after recounting his long struggle with dependency. After citing a note in his medical records from a doctor who suggested that Lange could die if he relapses, she said, “You’re getting too old for this.”

In tweets issued on June 2, Lange praised not only Arleo but also the prosecutor and judge for their efforts. “I truly feel he wants the best for me,” he wrote about Gutierrez, whom he thanked along with Arleo and Sivilli, whom he described as “a woman on the bench who commands respect! She has mine.”

In addition to adhering to his probation, Lange must submit to urine screenings and provide information on his participation in an outpatient drug treatment program within 10 days. If he violates these terms or garners new charges, he could face up to five years in jail.

View the original article at thefix.com

8 June 2018
The 1975's Matty Healy Discusses Addiction, Equine-Assisted Rehab

“I was exhausted and at the [risk] of being another statistic in that prescription drug opioid crisis that hit America, because that’s the way I dealt with things on tour.”

Matty Healy is sharing his truth through music. In a new interview, the lead vocalist and guitarist of the English rock band The 1975 discussed escaping to rehab after the band’s last album, “to really get away.”

Healy revealed that after winding down the band’s promotion of their 2016 album, I like it when you sleep, for you are so beautiful yet so unaware of it, the musician “wasn’t in a good place.”

“I was experiencing [some problems] and also thinking, fuck I need to make a record out of this without making a ‘poor me’ record. It’s so boring when you hear people do that, because they become unrelatable,” Healy said in the interview with DIY Magazine. “At the end of that album I was very concerned about the truth of what I was saying and the truth was me turning into that.”

But by sharing his bit of truth—by including the line in the band’s new single “Give Yourself a Try” about “get[ting] addicted to drugs”—Healy knows that plain honesty can resonate more than anything else.

“I don’t have anything else… I always talk about myself and people go, oh there’s a bit of me in that. And then you do that enough and it touches the world. That’s what people want. That’s what I want as well. Tell me the fucking truth,” he said.

“Let’s make this exchange really honest and I will, as a fan, give myself to you and not judge you if you just tell me the truth. And it makes far more interesting art, and that’s what I’m here for now I’ve decided.”

Healy admitted that he had a problem—“Oh yeah! Full on!”—which triggered his getaway to the island of Barbados. “When I went away to Barbados, I actually went to rehab… I went and worked with horses for seven weeks,” he said. “I didn’t get dragged away to rehab, I was exhausted and at the [risk] of being another statistic in that prescription drug opioid crisis that hit America, because that’s the way I dealt with things on tour.”

He continued, “I knew that I wasn’t going to detox myself, so I went away and I got clean. I wasn’t going there to get straight edge, I didn’t have a drinking problem or anything else, I was just chemically dependent on a substance and I didn’t wanna make a record as a fucking junkie. Who wants to hear that?”

The 1975’s third album A Brief Inquiry into Online Relationships is due for release this coming October.

View the original article at thefix.com

8 June 2018
Do You Want To Know What I’m Thinking? Me Neither

I gain peace when I choose not to suffer. It isn’t easy, but neither is being miserable.

I’ve got a big mouth, a lot of opinions, and little hesitation about expressing them—even when I haven’t done the homework.

No matter how long I’ve been sober, how many meetings I attend, how many times I work the Steps, call my sponsor, pray, and attempt to meditate—when I think I’m being played, lied to, or, maybe even worse, ignored, my default is still to want to throw down and battle it out. I wanna know why. I wanna be heard. I want the truth. I want justice. And I wanna prove I’m right, dammit!

I convince myself that I can convince you, and if that fails, coerce you—maybe even attempt to intimidate you. Not consciously of course—I’m way too good a person for that.

But I can be pretty scary and intense—in good and bad ways.

I used to jump without taking a beat or giving ample thought. Sobriety and recovery have tempered that. Now I force myself to take contrary action and pause—because wise people have taught me that if I really want to have my say, I’ll still want to say it later, tomorrow, next week. So, why not let it breathe and see if it dissipates?

I hate that shit. If I let it go, you’ll never know that I know I’m right. Or worse, you may think I think you’re right.

Hell if I do.

They say that doing the right thing is more important than being right. Oh yeah? How about on a math quiz? Not that I’ve taken one in a gazillion years. But I am tested innumerable times, daily—especially of late. Mars is up my Uranus or some shit, and years of program have eluded me more times than I care to admit. But since we’re only as sick as our secrets…

I was asked by one of my closest friends why I uncharacteristically didn’t return a couple of calls. I wondered why he had uncharacteristically made the calls, as I’m usually the one initiating, at least 90% of the time. (That’s a totally made up arbitrary number. I’m also a liar by default—only now, sober, I have a sort of Stanley Kubrick Clockwork Orange aversion to it, and bust myself almost before the words land.) I paused, as I’ve been taught to do. I rattled off all that had been keeping me busy. He pressed on.

“Anything else? You’re sure nothing’s wrong?” I took a beat. I heard my sponsor in my head reminding me to just say “No!” I was quiet. I said nothing.

He asked again. I knew better, but out of my mouth, without my permission or consent (aren’t those the same thing?), before I could stop, spilled: “Well, I’ve been kind of frustrated. I feel like every time I start to speak you interr…”

He jumped in… and… interrupted me. I shut up. He realized almost immediately and gave me back the floor, or, in this case, aisle 8A at Costco. I was already hating on myself for saying a word, let alone 17 ½ of them. To what end? It’s not about me—it’s his thing. Nothing is ever personal. I know that.

I started to kind of apologize for saying anything. I was actually ostracizing myself for opening my BIG mouth. He, on the other hand, supported my choice, and because he’s in recovery too, we discussed the value of keeping our shit to ourselves versus talking it out. He thanked me for telling him. For the rest of the conversation, I could feel him biting his tongue to enable me to complete my thoughts. I appreciated it more than I can say—but let me try. It means so much to me when I matter enough to someone for them to make an effort to alter their natural rhythm on my behalf.

Since that talk, every time we speak, when he starts to interject, he catches himself—both of us aware of his effort. As thoughtful as that is, and as grateful as I am, it manifests a big awkward elephant dancing between us on the phone line.

Did I really need to say anything? We are who we are.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.

Discovering one of my oldest and closest friends had been in town a few times and warned his sister not to mention it blindsided me. Sure, our friendship had degenerated in recent years; where once we spoke every day—some days multiple times—and saw each other almost as often, lately it was occasional emails, holiday greetings, and a get-together whenever he was in town. Or so I thought.

On the day we spent together last month, I chose to focus on the now, based on our 40+ years of shared history. I went out of my way to make him comfortable; he was grateful and generous. We agreed we’d shared a fabulous time.

Posting about it on The Facebook, as I’m wont to do, then waking at 6 am to his sister’s flip comment about her happiness that he chose to see me this time—was like a hammer to my heart.

There was no way to pretend I didn’t know. And yet, he isn’t on social media, so I could choose to ignore it.

I wasn’t that recovered.

What stung more: the fact that he lied to me, what he lied about, or that everyone I knew, knew too? The line between ego and feelings is not only fine it’s oft crossed without my awareness.

I knew I should let it go—find peace with the help of my sponsor, my therapist, my life coach, my God squad—forget a village, it takes a city (a big one, like New York and the surrounding metropolitan area).

Without seeking grace, I found only will. Before saying a prayer, making a call, or taking a breath, at not quite 6 am, I sent him his sister’s words—regretting it before I heard the swoosh of the “send.”

He wrote me back immediately saying he’d had a terrific time, and was now sick to his stomach. He offered to explain. We planned a call. He forgot. Attempts to reschedule failed. About a week later I received an email. He had various and sundry practical reasons—it wasn’t personal, of course. Reading betwixt the lines (lines… we both gave that shit up a million years ago) was weed. We smoked together through the majority of our friendship. When I gave it up, I stopped being as much fun—to him. Why hang out with me and jones, when his other old pals still indulged and so could he.

I get it. I remember how much I hated hanging with people who didn’t get high and infringed on my buzz. I avoided them whenever possible.

I read his email, again and again, still smarting, still wanting to take his inventory about all the other shit he’s done over the years which hurt my feelings. I wanted to be heard, be right. This time I took a beat, said a prayer and found the courage to change the things I could. I took my fingers off the keyboard.

I don’t want to fight, or need to be right. I want to party…

Life is a party when I release expectations; when I don’t suffer the words and the actions of others; when I stay over here, on my side of the street and keep that sucker clean; when I let go of resenting people for not being who I want them to be, and remember that the behaviors of others have nothing to do with me—other than I may be an unconscious trigger.

That shit is hard.

Letting go doesn’t have to mean goodbye, the end, no more. It just means I’ll be loving on you from over here—where it’s safe—for now. I’ll stick a toe back in, try again, and we don’t ever have to talk about it.

I gain peace when I choose not to suffer. It isn’t easy, but neither is being miserable.

Yesterday I had to make a choice—because when I’m learning a life lesson the universe makes sure I have plenty of practice. I was asked—rather it was demanded—that I sign away all rights to my words, my authorship, and my copyright in perpetuity across the universe. In return I’d have an additional platform for my work, an enormous platform which reaches millions and would provide much-needed additional income. I’d already swallowed one huge alteration to my piece, done without my knowledge, which shifted my intention and my voice.

What to do? Accept the things I can’t change? Have the courage to change the things I can? I sought counsel from my city and gained the wisdom to discern the difference.

An evolved soul in the oft-dirty business of show, helped me to value and trust my worth, and find a spiritual solution. I chose to walk away; I did so sans drama, with a modicum of grace, thus leaving the door wide open if I alter my view—trusting an alternate venue and money stream will present.

As if on cue, as I was relaying my decision via email, I got a call from a wise, successful, generous entrepreneur, suggesting a business we could do together. I have no idea if it’ll come to pass, or if it’ll be the answer I seek—but I do know it’s a sign. Someone’s always got my back.

It works, when I work it—when I take the high road and keep my righteous trap shut.

I’m giving up my membership to fight club. The universe is keeping score, so I don’t have to.

View the original article at thefix.com

8 June 2018