Answer Addiction

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  • 11 Ways to Heal a Broken Heart in Recovery

    11 Ways to Heal a Broken Heart in Recovery

    When your broken heart goes into cardiac arrest and your old “coping mechanisms” are more likely to lead you to flatline than recovery, try these 11 resuscitative tips and heal yourself.

    Heartbreak. At 14 or 54, we’ve all been there, but today we push through the pain, one-day-at-a-time, cold brew sober. And here’s what’s helping me now, because, despite what still feels like an endless volley of water balloons hitting concrete beneath my breastbone, the fibrillation is in my mind, not my chest cavity, and that scrappy muscle thumps on, still propping me upright each morning to face my new reality.

    1. Find that God of Your Understanding and Glom On

    When I reached Step 3 with my sponsor, I got an assignment: flesh out your concept of a higher power, in writing. Lisa M. wanted detail, a God I could see and talk to, and grab by the elbow. And because I’m neither original nor progressive, I came up with a male God in human form — a cross between Santa Claus and Mr. T. to be exact. With a twinkle in his eye and a glint off his gold tooth, my HP is jolly and generous, strong and sexy, and funny as hell.

    And at this moment, when I’m finding myself on the sucky side of one-sided love, it’s not bad to have a real hunk who loves me for an HP. After an especially vicious salvo, when the heartbreak balloons start to leak out the eye sockets, I can HALT, remember the in-breath, and picture HP (and yes, predictably, I’m looking heavenward). Funny, his response is always the same: with bronzed torso and silver beard, forearms flexed and crossed over a white undershirt, the big man in the sky stares down at me, then starts nodding reassuringly. Suddenly, he flashes that easy smile and I know I’m good.

    2. Slam the Slogans

    H.A.L.T., Easy Does It, Turn It Over, Just for Today, Live and Let Live, This Too Shall Pass, When One Door Shuts Another Opens, Fear Is the Absence of Faith, The Elevator Is Broken – You’ll Have to Use the Steps. I’ve become something of a short-order chef when it comes to using a few well-chosen words to support my sobriety. Day and night, I sling slogans, flip affirmations, and call out quotes from famous dead people. I’ve scotched them to the inside of my kitchen cabinets, along with the 3rd, 6th, 7th and 11th step prayers. They are the comfort food my soul craves now. “Success is moving from failure to failure with no lack of enthusiasm.” – Winston Churchill. “If you want to be loved, love and do loving things.” – Ben Franklin. Words that nourish, as I’m waiting for the kettle to boil. Having well-chosen words highly visible in the kitchen (or as a screensaver) can be a real lifesaver!

    3. Phone Therapy

    And here’s a slogan I’m slamming hard today: “We drank alone, but we don’t stay sober alone.” The old timers carried quarters, and I make sure I leave home with my phone fully-charged. I listen to a morning meditation walking to the train, text three newcomers on the platform, compose a longer text to my sponsor in transit, then dial my best sober gal pal as I push through the turnstile on the final leg to work. I send silly GIFs to lift spirits, including mine, and add a trail of emoji butterflies, praying hands, and peace signs. By 8:00 a.m., the lonely in me already feels not so alone.

    4. Explore Podcasts

    Recovery Radio Network, Joe and Charlie, and the Alcoholics Anonymous Radio Show are three in my queue. On my lunch hour or driving upstate, I take 30-60 minutes to laugh, cry, and identify…

    5. Make a Gratitude List

    My first sober Christmas, going through a divorce with two kids still believing in Santa, the above-mentioned sober gal pal suggested I find ten things for which I was grateful, save them to my phone, and recite them like a mantra through the Twelve Days of Christmas. I did:

    1. My sobriety
    2. My sons
    3. AA program of recovery
    4. AA fellowship
    5. Food in my stomach
    6. Roof over my head
    7. Colombian coffee
    8. My dog
    9. My extended family
    10. God (HP has since moved up to the #1 slot)

    It worked. I said no to nog that first Yuletide, and made merry for my sons instead. And counting off my blessings still works today, when I’m a shallow-breathing shell just going through the motions.

    6. Make an Extended Gratitude List

    When the restless, irritable and discontent in me keeps spilling the glass half-full and this positive punch list isn’t getting me over the hump, I pour out ten more things to celebrate, like: my pre-war bathtub, which holds upwards of 60 gallons of bubble bath and the fact that I live within easy walking distance of two subway lines so I can always get into the city on weekends.

    7. Make Meetings

    “Meeting Makers Make It,” “Get Sober Feet,” “Carry the Body, the Mind Will Follow.” These three slogans in particular encouraged me as a newcomer, and I’m calling upon them now, in cardiac arrest, when my heart needs serious heartening. So I’m hitting my home group, and getting hugs from retirees with double-digit sobriety who pass fresh Kleenex and envelop in equanimous smiles. I’m also checking out other meetings across town, then going out for…

    8. Fellowship Afterwards

    I’ve started tucking my Boggle into my handbag when I head out to my Friday night meeting. At the secretary’s report, I pull out the box, shake it, and invite anyone interested to a nearby diner for passable pie a la mode and a few rounds of a three-minute word game. Sometimes it’s Yahtzee. We roll the dice and down bottomless cups of bad coffee. Last week someone brought cards, and I lost badly at hearts (ha!). It’s good, wholesome fun, and by the time I hit my pillow, I’ve significantly pared down the number of waking hours I could have spent obsessing over-ahem-HIM.

    9. Self-Care

    Self-care is somewhat self-defined. These days, after I’ve covered the basics—eat, sleep, bathe—I’m noodling what more I can do to support my mental, physical, and spiritual self. Prone to self-pity and self-indulgence just now, self-care is really urgent-care. So I ask: am I under-meditating and over-caffeinating? Am I speeding up at speed bumps? Am I four months behind in balancing my bank statement? Am I using money to buy what money can’t buy and damn the consequences? Am I treating every Monday like Cyber Monday and abusing the free delivery feature of Amazon Prime? Have I forgotten yoga and found red velvet cake in Costco’s freezer? Are my spot checks spotty lately because I just don’t want to cop to this alcoholic acting out, and instead keep blunting the full force of feeling??? Yes to all of the above. And this leads me back to Step 2: turn to top management for a takeover.

    Working Steps 2 and 3 is probably the most caring thing I’m doing for myself today: seeing the unmanageable, then seeing the way out. And also forgiving myself for these self-indulgent splurges. So what that I’ve added three pounds to my midline and three pairs of silver sandals to my shoe rack? The rent is paid, and my latchkey kids still let themselves in after school and seem content to eat my crockpot soup and call this home.

    10. Get on your Hobby Horse

    When was the last time you read “Chapter 6: Getting Active” in Living Sober, that handy paperback that’s not just for newcomers? This month I’ve been making good use of subsection 6B: “Activity not related to A.A.”

    The anonymous authors suggest “trying a new hobby” or “revisiting an old pastime, except you-know-what” (Yea, Amstel Light). Fat chance I’ll pick up cabinetmaking, leathercraft or macramé, but I am baking granola and simmering bone broths.

    I’m also revisiting my adolescence with amateur YouTube ballet routines by hammy-thighed figure skaters and dancing to Heavy D. music videos late into a Saturday night. I’m choosing happy music over sad, and tuning in to The Messiah, not Blue Christmas.

    I’m even considering “Starting on long neglected chores” like editing my nearly obsolete recipe binder, now that I’ve found Pinterest. And while I can’t claim to be going out of my way “Volunteering to do some useful service,” I am trying to be more useful on my job. And just as helping a newcomer find a meeting helps me, helping a kid graph algebraic equations makes me feel purposeful (when otherwise I feel like a mess).

    11. Become a card-carrying member of the “No Matter What Club”

    For God’s sake, whatever skillful or unskillful actions you end up taking during this time of triage, please don’t drink over him or her. They are not worth it. (And I’d put money down—money that I don’t have—on a bet that they’d agree with me.)

    Voila! My top eleven tips to help you over the hump of heartbreak! Take what you like and leave the rest.

    Have you had your heart broken in recovery? How did you heal? Let us know in the comments.

    View the original article at thefix.com

  • How to Keep Your New Year's Resolutions, Ten Minutes at a Time

    How to Keep Your New Year's Resolutions, Ten Minutes at a Time

    You can keep your New Year’s resolutions just by devoting ten minutes to certain simple daily tasks. I’ve seen people build websites in 10-minute increments, write screenplays, do taxes, and even date!

    I want to work out more. I want to lose five pounds. I want to drink less. Have better relationships. I used to love making New Year’s resolutions. I would write my list, check it twice, and write another one, and another, and another. I loved writing lists. It made me feel productive, organized, on top of things; in control. I can’t tell you how many lists I wrote that had “drink less” on it. Or “save money.” “Get in better shape.” I wanted to be perfect because I thought that would get rid of the anxiety and the feeling that something was very, very wrong.

    The only thing that worked for me was recovery. AA, DA, SLAA, and Alanon have become my cocktail of choice. But as they say, “program” is not self-improvement, it’s self-acceptance and, of course, surrender.

    I was talking to a friend yesterday who was chowing down the candy at a SLAA holiday potluck. She laughingly said she was out of control. She’s in a few programs and goes to OA occasionally; she’s not sure she really identifies.

    “I really want to lose some weight this year,” she said. I asked if she tried Weight Watchers because it seemed to work for some people.

    “I’ve tried everything. The only thing that works for me is self-will. It may not sound program to say that, but it’s true. I just set my mind to it and I can control my food and lose weight. All on the strength of will.” She helps herself to another cookie.

    “Is it sustainable?” I ask.

    She looks at me then sighs. “No. It works for a time – even a long time, but then eventually I give up.”

    I understood. I tried to quit drinking or “drink responsibly” so many times and then, like my friend, eventually gave up and went back. I could not do it on my own will. Some people can. And based on un-scientific observation, a few of them are sorta happy and not complete assholes. I have a friend who quit drinking without any program in his 20’s and never looked back. He may be a little workaholic-y (not like I’m taking his inventory or anything) but he seems pretty happy, and not, as they say, “dry.”

    I can’t speak for other people’s process, but I can say that now that I’ve found recovery, I don’t drink (aka I’m sober), I have an IRA, and I don’t use unsecured debt. In terms of SLAA, I don’t have sex outside of a committed relationship. I also meditate regularly and exercise maybe three times a week, sometimes more, sometimes less.

    I still do love the illusion of being “perfect” but I have to admit that as I get older, or perhaps accumulate more time in recovery, it compels me less. When I first got sober, I would think of myself conceptually, like I was a conceptual art piece. It wasn’t conscious and it was only in retrospect that I noticed it. It was like I was outside my body and I looked at myself like a piece of clay that I wanted to mold. It was an idea of me. Just like I had an idea of who my boyfriend was, or what our relationship was going to be or “should” be. Or just like I had an idea of who my dad was supposed to be. Or what life should be like. They were all concepts. Ideas. Fantasies. And they all were outside of me. From me, but looking in from the outside.

    I am learning to trust myself more. I think that’s hard for an addict. That still small voice – is it safe to trust her? But as I get to know the lay of the land of my dis-ease and recovery, and I do it within a community, I find that, yeah, I can trust her and wow, I can maybe even trust life. And if I want to make sure that life doesn’t get dry and brittle, I’d better start listening to that inner voice because that voice is deeply connected to my higher power. And that higher power is intrinsically linked to the life around me.

    And to that end (here come the lists!):

    I want to be more present
    Find work that is more rewarding
    Reconnect to my creativity
    Date in a fun and juicy way
    Furnish my new apartment
    Continue to expand my community
    Volunteer

    So how do I do it?

    In my local Debtors Anonymous, a guy named Chris created the DA Tools Game. It is brilliant. Everyone gets into teams of about four and you play for four weeks against the other teams. The team with the most points wins. You gain points by taking four daily actions. And each action you do for exactly ten minutes, not more, not less.

    The first action is making an outreach call to one of your team members to check in. The second action is spiritual/financial (which is usually recording what you spent your money on or opening your bills, etc.) The third action is self-care (stretching, taking a walk, listening to music). The fourth action is income expansion so that can be sending out a résumé, following up on a lead, or updating your website. Once you choose what your action is going to be, you have to commit to it for the whole month otherwise you lose points. This is to avoid the monkey mind that wants to switch things up all the time – especially when things feel uncomfortable. So if you choose taking a short walk as your self-care action, you can’t, after week one, switch it to yoga – unless you check in with your team first. And the consequence is losing 100 points (ouch!).

    The brilliance of this game is that you get to see how much can be accomplished in ten-minute segments each day. Some people will have decluttering as their self-care action and will spend the ten minutes every day that month decluttering their home office and then, lo and behold, they find themselves in a new relationship, or career path, or, at the very least, a clean office! The phone calls keep us accountable and provide support. I’ve seen people build a website in ten-minute increments, write a screenplay, do their taxes, and even date!

    Every action gets 25 points so if you do all your actions in a day, you get 100 points and the team with the most points at the end of the month wins. It’s a great way to accelerate one’s recovery: “Just for today, I will do my numbers for ten minutes. Just for today, I will work on my résumé…for ten minutes. Just for today, I will listen to music. Just for today, I will make a phone call to a fellow.” It cuts right through the obsession of perfection, the obsession of self-will, procrastination, and isolation.

    Granted, there are those who are able, through the sheer force of their own will, to change their lives. There are a ton of YouTubers talking all about that. I think that’s awesome. But that has never worked for me. And when it did (for a time), I was not a very fun person to be around. There wasn’t much room for intimacy when I was like that.

    But just for today… I will not drink. I will not debt. I will not act out. I will call a fellow. I will meditate. I will take actions to increase my earnings. And other “top line” behaviors (as they say in SLAA) would be: having fun, dancing, singing, going to yoga, cooking, sponsoring, being sponsored, doing the steps, reading literature, and practicing gratitude. A lot of those actions were on previous New Year’s resolution lists but, prior to recovery, the chance that they would become a part of my life was close to zero. 

    Let me know your thoughts on how your life has changed and what resolutions you’ve made in the past or want to make today. I would love to hear your experiences with this stuff because there are as many approaches as there are people. Let me know in the comments.

    And Happy New Year! Happy New Day.

    View the original article at thefix.com

  • What to Expect in Early Recovery from Addiction

    What to Expect in Early Recovery from Addiction

    In early recovery we may discover co-occurring mental health conditions, trauma, and exhaustion. We may even find ourselves engaging in compulsive behaviors in other areas, like gambling or sex.

    A few weeks ago, a woman contacted me in the throes of early recovery. I vividly recall those first few weeks — I was so out of my depth that I felt like I was jumping out of a plane every day. I had lost all sense of normalcy. I felt lost. And I had no reference points to validate what I was experiencing. But I sure as hell was determined to stay on this track, whatever it took.

    The woman I spoke with told me that Alcoholics Anonymous didn’t feel right for her, but she didn’t know what else to do. She was having restless nights and insomnia, and was kind of going out of her mind. I empathized and told her that in my experience, what she was going through is normal. I explained my struggles in early recovery and what I had found useful in those first few months. She was comforted by my advice and validation and after a few minutes I could sense her relief.

    That encounter led me to think: What do people in early recovery do if they aren’t in therapy or a support group? What are the common experiences we face psychologically and physiologically, and what are some of the natural and effective ways to help us feel comfortable and supported?

    When I was newly sober, AA was the only option for me. I ignored my instincts telling me that certain aspects of the program didn’t feel right, and instead threw myself into the fellowship and worked my way through the 12 steps. Even though I couldn’t continue to ignore my discomfort and eventually left AA, I will always be grateful for the mutual aid aspect the meetings provided, especially in the early days.

    “Getting support is vital. You can’t do this alone,” says therapist and recovery coach Veronica Valli. “Therapy, exercise, connection — all these things can build a solid foundation in early recovery.”

    In early recovery we may discover co-occurring mental health conditions, trauma, and exhaustion. We may even find ourselves engaging in compulsive behaviors in other areas, like gambling or sex. Below we’ve listed some of the most common problems you may experience in early recovery, their causes, and some possible solutions. Please consult your physician if you require medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment.

    Experience:
    Tiredness/exhaustion

    Possible Reason:
    Your body is recovering from years of abuse. Your brain and other vital organs need to regenerate and recover. This takes time and may make you feel like you could sleep for a year.

    Potential Solutions:

    • Sleep for a minimum of 8 hours a night and longer if possible.
    • Honor your body and rest as much as possible.
    • Scale back commitments so you can physically recover as well as emotionally.
    • Try restorative or yin yoga.

    Experience:
    Insomnia

    Possible Reason:
    “Sleeping” pre-recovery often meant drinking or using to the point of passing out. Your body’s natural sleep rhythm is completely disrupted and it’s going to take time to adjust. That can mean you’ll feel restless and struggle to fall or stay asleep. But your sleep cycle should normalize, especially if you prioritize your sleep routine.

    Potential Solutions:

    • Build a sleep routine: turn off electronic devices two hours before bed.
    • Create a calm sleep environment.
    • Use aromatherapy (like lavender essential oils).
    • Take supplements to promote sleep: some people swear by melatonin or L-theanine, but be sure to consult your doctor before taking any medication or supplements. 

    Experience:
    Feeling sad or down

    Possible Reason:
    Often our brain chemistry is disrupted when we stop using drugs and alcohol. As with sleep, it is going to take time for your body to adjust to producing feel-good chemicals naturally.

    If you experience depression for more than two weeks or if it is disrupting your daily life, consult a doctor or other mental health care professional. If you feel like hurting yourself or you are at risk for suicide, immediately seek help. Call the U.S. National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 800-273-TALK (8255) or text “HOME” to 741-741.

    Potential Solutions:

    Experience:
    Physical Illness 

    Possible Reason:
    Your immune system may be working overtime to remove the buildup of toxins in your body from years of drug use, especially during the acute phase of withdrawal. It will take time to detoxify and rebuild the body’s natural defenses.

    Potential Solutions:

    • Seek professional assistance from a medical provider.
    • Once detoxed, try to make lifestyle adjustments to improve your health by increasing exercise (in accordance with your doctor’s advice), and ensuring you maintain a healthy diet.

    Experience:
    Stress and feeling overwhelmed

    Possible Reason:
    We’ve spent a long time using substances to numb and escape our feelings. It is only natural that when we stop, we will begin to feel overwhelmed and stressed out. This is normal in recovery.

    Potential Solutions:

    • Find stress-relieving activities that work for you such as: exercise, therapy, yoga, journaling, or meditation.
    • Give yourself a break and work on developing self-compassion.

    Experience:
    Feelings of disconnection

    Possible Reason:
    Having been numb or in a state of intoxication for so long, it may feel abnormal to be sober. You may want to withdraw and isolate, feeling like you are disconnected from your body and from other people. This is really common.

    Potential Solutions:

    • Find activities that increase connection to yourself and others, such as social events, mutual-aid meetings, meditation groups and solo meditation, and time with friends and family.
    • Work with a somatic specialist who can help you connect with your body.

    Experience:
    Addictive/compulsive behaviors

    Possible Reason:
    You may find yourself engaging excessively in gaming, gambling, sex, shopping, eating — anything that gives you that same feeling of escape and a rush of dopamine. This is called addiction transfer and it is frequently experienced by people in early recovery.

    Potential Solutions:

    • There are 12-step fellowships for addiction to sex and love, gambling, eating, and more, but many of us have found we need help beyond what a 12-step program can provide. Try working with a therapist if possible.
    • Think about some healthy ways to relax and increase feel-good hormones naturally, such as exercise and connection with others.

    Experience:
    Mental illness

    Possible Reason:
    Sometimes getting sober uncovers an underlying mental illness. If you experience mania, intrusive thoughts, severe depression, or any other troubling or disruptive symptoms, seek the help of a medical professional.

    The prevalence of co-occurring disorders is high in people with addiction, with nearly 40 percent of us also having a mental health diagnosis.

    Potential Solutions:

    • Seek professional help; if medication is prescribed, take as directed.

    Experience:
    Discovering past trauma

    Possible Reason:
    Like mental illness, the occurrence of past trauma in those with substance use disorder is high. Research has shown that one in four children and adolescents experience at least one traumatic event by the age of 16, and more than 13 percent of 17-year-olds have post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Many teens have used alcohol and drugs to self-medicate and numb the memories of this trauma.

    Once the drugs are removed, we may begin to recall trauma and may have untreated PTSD.

    Potential Solutions:

    • Seek professional help, working with a doctor and therapist as recommended.
    • Recover the capacity to self-regulate in a healthy way through therapeutic help, and learn effective rest and relaxation practices.

    Experience:
    Lack of joy; not knowing what to do in your free time

    Possible Reason:
    It is very common for sober people to have no idea how to have fun. That’s because we always associated enjoyment with getting loaded!

    Potential Solutions:

    Experience:
    No sober friends

    Possible Reason:
    Now that you’ve stopped hanging around with your drinking buddies, you might find that you don’t have as many friends as you want. This is also normal.

    Potential Solutions:

    • Build friendships though healthy activities: find a gym community, go to meditation classes, (re)discover a hobby and practice it with a meetup group, or find friends in mutual-aid groups.

    Experience:
    AA isn’t for you

    Possible Reason:
    12-step groups aren’t the right fit for everyone.

    Potential Solutions:

    Experience:
    Relationship difficulties

    Possible Reason:
    This can be one of the most painful things we experience in recovery. Often we don’t know how to relate to others, especially when it comes to romance and intimacy.

    Potential Solutions:

    Experience:
    Feeling socially and emotionally drained

    Possible Reason:
    Often we commit to doing too much while in recovery because we’re no longer hungover all the time, and we have much more energy. But we also find ourselves tired, overwhelmed, and not wanting to go out a lot.

    Potential Solutions:

    • Learn how to say no and honor your needs. Beyond getting sober, becoming comfortable with saying no is perhaps the most freeing thing you’ll do!

    Note: The Fix does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment, nor does anything on this website create a physician/patient relationship. If you require medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment, please consult your physician.

    View the original article at thefix.com

  • How to Find Sobriety in the New Year

    How to Find Sobriety in the New Year

    If you’re abusing alcohol and have decided it’s time to stop, here are some tactics that helped me to get and stay sober. You don’t have to undertake this daunting task alone.

    You stumble to your car after a night out drinking. Not just any night, New Year’s Fucking Eve! You pounded more beers and downed more shots than the other people in your party combined. Some of them are wondering how you are still conscious. Yet they let you drive home – again. You wake up the next morning only half remembering the night before. You can’t remember how the hell you got home – again. This has to stop. Your resolution is sobriety in the New Year – again.

    Quitting drinking is one of the hardest things for an alcoholic to do. I’ve struggled with drinking and have now been sober for over four years. In this time, I have completely changed my life for the better. I’ve written about my struggle and the role the industry I work in plays in promoting alcohol use and abuse. I want to share insight and actionable tips on how I’ve managed to stop drinking and stay clean since April 2014 – known as forever in active alcohol abuser years. I hope this will help people struggling with alcohol abuse to make the decision to find sobriety, and help others to support people who are trying to stay sober.

    Most people don’t realize overnight that they are abusing alcohol. It takes a whole lot of wasted time that you can never get back. Alcoholics are burning the candle of life at both ends when we couple blackout drinking with the life-shortening ailments that come along with binge and heavy drinking. A New Year brings the opportunity for you to inventory your life and make a change if needed.

    Realizing I was an alcoholic was a slow process, like realizing I was Sasquatch or some other mythical creature I had heard others talk about in hushed voices, but never truly thought existed. I have some traits that are similar to Sasquatch, I would wake up thinking, and, I’ll try harder not to be Sasquatch. But I’d usually go to bed as Sasquatch that night.

    Accepting I was an alcoholic was even harder. I thought embracing the label meant embracing my banishment from society. We don’t see Sasquatch running around in the open and no one needed to tell me alcohol abusers are stigmatized. “We do not associate with alcoholics,” my mother had told me from as young as I could remember, referencing my multiple drunk uncles we would see only on the holidays.

    My Life As an Alcoholic

    I struggled with alcohol all of my adult life. I started as a lightweight, puking my plunder every time I would drink and downing a six-pack of whatever beer I could get my hands on. It was all about speed. “Am I drunk yet?” I would think while chugging past the point of no return. Meanwhile, people around me were still on their first beer, even when it was time for me to retire for the night. I continued to push the throttle on drinking. Sasquatch loved the taste of beer.

    I developed a tolerance. I was wrapping up my PhD and working full time, which left me with enough time to engage in a nightly ritual of drinking until I passed out. Sasquatch liked routines. I also argued with my girlfriend when I drank. It would usually start on a Friday, mid-afternoon, and I would be buzzed or beyond by the time she got home from work. Sasquatch was waiting to pounce.

    I started missing work, often when traveling, due to being hungover. I worked for a place that didn’t reimburse for alcohol, but my meals were free which meant I could make up the savings in beer. I would show up for a morning meeting and claim to feel ill from dinner the night before, then excuse myself to spend the rest of the day throwing up in my hotel room.

    When I hit my early 30’s the blackouts started. I entered a period where I struggled to remember the details of nights involving drinking, with the only record in the form of angry emails sent to those I felt had crossed me, stupid Facebook posts (song lyrics, ugh), and texts to random people I’d met at the bar.

    I ignored the problem: Sasquatch dressed in business casual trying to blend in behind a computer; Sasquatch stumbling across the bar and spilling other people’s drinks as he laughs his way to the bathroom; Sasquatch, in bed next to his fiancé with the room spinning, staring at the ceiling, wasted for another night. I wasn’t fooling anyone, particularly not myself.

    I didn’t embrace the role alcohol was playing in my downfall until I was 35. My lack of satisfaction with life was tangible. I was doing the same thing daily and getting the same outcome. I woke up one day surrounded by my smashed possessions, with a great paying job but no money to replace them. I was frustrated at work, in my personal life, and with my health. Sasquatch needed help.

    Accepting I had a problem with alcohol felt like accepting I was a failure. Sasquatch blew his cover. I had to accept I had wasted all the time and money I’d invested in alcohol over the years. I had no idea how I could go about changing as there were no former Sasquatches in my life that I was aware of – no reference points setting a path for me to follow.

    Sasquatch alone in a haunted forest.

    I was able to find my way to sobriety, though it wasn’t an easy path, and I needed help. If you’re abusing alcohol, and have decided it is time to stop, here are some tactics I found helpful. You don’t have to undertake this daunting task alone.

    Find Support

    This comes first for a reason. I cannot stress how important it is to share what you are going through with others. Many have come before you, so you don’t need to do this alone. You need a reference point for sobriety and a sober lifestyle. Most likely, you have been hanging out with people who won’t serve as good examples for an alcohol-free lifestyle.

    I did both counseling and AA for the first few months of sobriety. My counselor challenged me to do AA meetings for 90 straight days. I did about 50 in that time and continued attending meetings for the first four months of my sobriety. I wouldn’t give them back for anything. You don’t have to do AA specifically, but it is a huge organization with a lot of diversity. There are atheist meetings, LGBTQ+ meetings, and more, and people of all ages and walks of life attend. If you can’t get to an in-person meeting, you can attend meetings online via Skype or a chat room. I found it encouraging in my fledgling days of sobriety to hear about the experiences of those with more time under their belt, hearing over and over that it gets easier, and learning how many of them had turned their life, health, and relationships around in the same way I was seeking. You might find a similar situation in any other group in existence, so please don’t tune me out because I say AA worked for me.

    Replace the Habit

    How does someone go from being fixated on something 95% of the time to reducing that to near nil? By fixating on other things. I’ve already written about my experience with channeling my compulsions. Addicts are good at routines and fixating on things, not just drinking. The goal, from my perspective, is to find something positive to fixate on: your job, your wife, your writing, your church, your local professional organization, jump roping. Anything that doesn’t destroy your life physically or mentally is better than something that does. Anyone that says you shouldn’t replace an addiction with something else is giving bad advice.

    I knew I wanted to write more. I daydreamed about writing while drinking myself into a stupor. Now I had the dream and the ability to achieve it. I implemented a writing routine as structured as my drinking routine. This led to publishing multiple articles in relevant professional publications, and achieving a lifelong goal of writing a book.

    Maintain Perspective

    If you attend an AA meeting or know others that have become sober, you will know that falling off the wagon is a common story. Staying sober is nothing short of altering your life in every way. This does not happen magically overnight. If you slip up in your pursuit of sobriety it means you are normal. Get over it and keep trying. It will get easier as you accrue more sober days.

    I haven’t slipped up, but it’s not because I’m above it. I have frequent cravings and fond memories of the good old days. I stood in the airport three weeks into sobriety while traveling for work and knew I could slide into a comfy seat at the bar and get loaded before my plane boarded. No one would ever find out and I could pretend I had stayed sober when I returned. Instead, I bought the largest Perrier I could find and downloaded some new music to listen to on the flight. I hope I would have been gentle on myself if I had made the decision to take a drink that day. It happens.

    Find a Goal

    Set goals. Set lofty, impossible goals, then achieve them. Don’t set a goal of trying every beer on tap in a single night, or tasting every vintage of wine the local vineyard produces. Those are shitty goals for an alcohol abuser. They waste your time and hurt those around you.

    Positive goals include: losing weight and gaining muscle, learning something new, spending more quality time with your family, doing volunteer work, presenting at a conference, professional development, getting a promotion or new job, starting (or returning to) a hobby, or not being drunk for an entire week. You see where this is going. Goals are like New Year’s resolutions you actually keep.

    Stay Motivated

    You will need to keep your eye on the prize of sobriety, especially during the times you are craving one drink or ten. Look around and find something to motivate you: your children, your marriage, your colleague who was promoted over you. Get pumped up. You can do it! But not if you’re drunk.

    I have created an imaginary enemy; someone who would relish the fact that I fail in my attempt to stay sober. I use this to motivate me when I need a confidence boost and then get to tell this imaginary asshole I got another article published, another book deal, or that my family is happy with my sobriety. I couldn’t say any of this if I went back to being a drunk.

    Put It Into Practice

    I’ve covered a few things that help me stay sober. You need to remember that not every day is easy. Especially in the beginning, you will actively look for reasons to have a drink. My car was broken into and vandalized and my work computer permanently crashed within the first two weeks of my sobriety and I wanted these to be signs from above that I deserved a drink. Instead I chose to occupy my time in other ways and I’m glad I did. I recommend trying everything I’ve discussed in this article, and many others here on The Fix, and using what works for you to stay sober.

    What worked for you? Let us know in the comments!

    View the original article at thefix.com

  • 5 Helpful Tips for Staying Sober During the Holidays

    5 Helpful Tips for Staying Sober During the Holidays

    The truth is that sometimes, the holidays can just be tough. But you don’t have to go in blindly. Follow these basic tips and you can have a wonderful and happy sober holiday season.

    For some people, the holidays are a joyful time that is looked forward to all year long. For others, this isn’t the case. Sometimes the stress of traveling, gift-giving and time with extended family takes a toll and can be daunting – especially, perhaps, for those in recovery from substance use disorder.

    The truth is that sometimes, the holidays can just be tough. But you don’t have to go in blindly.

    This is my sixth holiday season in recovery, and I’ve learned a few things along the way. If you take some time to think through your holiday plans and prepare for possible obstacles you might face, then you are more likely to feel confident about managing your recovery and proud of where you are at the end of the day.

    Here are a few of my favorite tips for surviving the holidays sober.

    1. Be Realistic and Have a Plan.

    There’s nothing worse than heading into a situation with unrealistic expectations and then being disappointed. If you know time with family stresses you out, be prepared to feel that way and don’t let it catch you off guard. Before putting yourself in such a position, think through the possibilities and rehearse your own reactions. If a family member offers you a drink, how will you respond? If you are feeling overwhelmed and craving a drink, what will you do instead? If someone asks you why you aren’t drinking, are you comfortable telling them? If you think through these scenarios before they take place, you can have potential responses prepared and can use them should the scenario become a reality. This makes these situations more manageable and you won’t be blindsided if and when they actually occur.

    1. Take Ownership of the Word “No.”

    Want to know a secret? You’re not required to do anything during the holiday season, no matter what some people may think. If you feel like a certain party or celebration may put your recovery at risk, don’t agree to go. If a certain family member isn’t supportive of your decisions, don’t engage with them. If you know that being around certain people makes you more prone to drinking, don’t spend time with them. And guess what else? Even if you’ve already agreed to something but then after thinking about it you started to feel uncomfortable, you are allowed to change your mind! You have the freedom to make your own decisions when it comes to what is best for you and your recovery.

    1. Create a List of Alcohol-Free Things You Enjoy About the Holiday Season.

    I promise, there’s a lot! The trick is just making yourself remember that fact and then focusing on it. At the end of the day, the holiday season isn’t really about parties and drinking, is it? There’s much more to it. Some of my favorite things about the season are watching the snow fall, wrapping myself in a warm blanket, lighting a seasonal candle, baking cookies. Maybe you like the smell of Christmas trees, seeing the decorative lights in the neighborhood, or the songs of the season. Or maybe you get to see family or friends who you care about and who don’t stress you out. None of those favorite things require alcohol in order to be enjoyable. If you struggle to remember this, write out a physical list and keep it with you when you’re in situations where you feel uncomfortable. It gives you something concrete to refer back to; it’s a reminder that there’s more to the holidays than booze-soaked partying.

    1. Communicate with the People Around You.

    Often, we are so self-conscious and worried about what others will think about our recovery that we don’t give them the chance to respond positively and be supportive. More often than not, the people in your life will want you to do what is best for you and will support that choice. If you’re feeling alone and unsure as the holidays approach, take a risk and let someone close to you know what is going on in your life and why you are choosing not to drink. Doing so allows you to have someone to lean on and discuss your feelings with so you don’t feel quite so alone. It also gives you someone who can hold you accountable and remind you why you are doing what you’re doing. It can be hard, but opening up and allowing other people to help you is vital. It also has a positive result on the person you open up to. On the off chance the person does not respond in a helpful or loving way, thank them for their opinion and move on to someone else.

    1. Take Time for Yourself.

    Often, the holidays can feel like they’re go, go, go with no downtime. But you don’t have to be constantly rushing around. When you’re making plans, be sure to carve out some time for yourself. This could mean time to be at home with no plans, or time to do the things you love and that make you happy. Try to remember that when you’re constantly running from place to place and engaging with different people, it’s easy to begin to feel worn down and drained, which can lead to feelings that could put your recovery at risk. Like anything else in this world, your body needs the time to recharge and reenergize. This can be done by planning ahead and working that time into your holiday schedule. But if you suddenly find that you really need some down time, giver yourself permission to leave early or cancel. After taking that time for yourself, you’ll likely find that you feel as if you’re in a better mental state and ready to take on the holidays again.

    When it comes down to it, the most important part of the holidays isn’t the parties or the gifts. It’s about love, health, spirit, and whatever you choose to celebrate. But it’s okay to put yourself and your well-being first. As you head into this holiday season, remember that you are in the driver’s seat when it comes to your life and your decisions. Hold your head high and don’t let anyone sway you. It will be worth it in the end.

    We’re all feeling overwhelmed this time of year. Do you have any tips to add to this list? Let us know!

    View the original article at thefix.com

  • How to Taper Off Suboxone: A Survival Guide

    How to Taper Off Suboxone: A Survival Guide

    “Fear is common and normal for a number of reasons, but the fear usually gives way to a sense of confidence and optimism when a taper is done correctly…Be patient.”

    Note: This article is not intended as a replacement for medical advice. This is merely the experience of 21 people interviewed by the author who have successfully tapered off buprenorphine-based medications (Suboxone, Zubsolv, Bunavail, Subutex, etc.) or significantly reduced their dose. Please consult your doctor before beginning a taper. 

    After two and a half years of taking Suboxone, I’ve decided that it’s time to start the tapering process. I don’t like having to rely on this little orange film strip each morning to get out of bed, the tidal wave of nausea, being constantly hot, the restless legs, and the constipation. This is an incredibly difficult decision because Suboxone has saved my life. Additionally, studies have demonstrated the effectiveness of Suboxone and found it’s reduced overdose death rates by 40 percent. 

    Some people decide that it is best for them to take Suboxone for life. Shannon has been taking 16 milligrams of Suboxone for 17 years and has no intention of tapering. She said: “I’m never getting off, why fix something that isn’t broken? I love life now. I’m a great mother, wife, daughter, sister, aunt, and trustworthy friend to all those that know and love me. I have absolutely no shame being a lifer. I’ve been to the depths of hell and now I’m in heaven. I believe without subs, I would be dead.”

    Like Shannon, fear of relapse and withdrawals makes me terrified of coming off Suboxone. I imagine waking up panicked and glazed in sweat, running to the bathroom to puke and worst of all, the black hole of depression and existential dread that is common with opioid withdrawal. These are common fears for people coming off opioid addiction treatment medications. In order to help others like me who are interested in tapering, I researched this topic and surveyed 21 people: 13 have successfully tapered off Suboxone and eight have significantly lowered their doses and are currently at or under six milligrams per day.

    Slow Taper

    Sixteen of 21 people I surveyed reported using a slow taper to come off or lower their dose. Dr. Jeffrey Junig of the Suboxone Talk Zone Blog suggests that the optimal dose to “jump” or quit taking Suboxone is .3 mg (about 1/3 of 1 mg).

    Junig writes: “I have had many patients taper successfully off buprenorphine. Fear is common and normal for a number of reasons, but the fear usually gives way to a sense of confidence and optimism when a taper is done correctly…Be patient. Tapering by too much, or too quickly, causes withdrawal symptoms that lead to ‘yo-yos’ in dose.”

    Amanda* agrees with Junig’s advice not to try to jump from too high of a dose. She said that when she jumped from 2 mg cold turkey it was “40 days of hell.”

    To avoid a hellish experience like Amanda’s, Junig advises reducing your dose by 5% or less every two weeks or 10% every month. Sound confusing? Junig simplifies: Use scissors to cut half of an 8 mg film. Then cut half of that, then half again. Put the doses in a pill organizer so they don’t get lost or accidentally consumed by children or pets.

    Holistic Remedies

    There are a handful of holistic remedies that can help with the tapering process. Folks I surveyed said that yoga, meditation, and healthy eating are pillars of their recovery. Studies have confirmed the benefit of yoga for improving quality of life in those withdrawing from opioids as it alleviates anxiety, restless legs, insomnia, and even nausea.

    Sarah said: “I tapered with a clean diet with digestible nutrient-dense food and smoothies and stayed hydrated. I got plenty of sun, used yoga and exercise too.”

    Others recommended vitamins and other supplements including: L-Tyrosine, DLPA, Vitamin C, Omega 3 Fish Oil, and ashwagandha. They used melatonin for sleep and Kava tea for relaxation. (Consult your physician before taking any supplements. Even benign substances may interact with other medications or have unintended side effects.)

    Marijuana

    Four out of 21 people polled used marijuana to deal with the difficult side effects of tapering off Suboxone. Barry said: “I know that some people may not see marijuana as a way that should be used to taper, but for me I was desperate to try anything that worked. I consider marijuana a lesser of evils. It helped with restless legs, nausea, pain, and anxiety.”

    Marijuana may now be a viable option for those who wish to try it, because it’s now legal for medical use in 29 states and for recreational use in nine states plus Washington DC. Unlike opioids, marijuana provides pain relief with a lower risk of addiction and nearly no risk of overdose. Plus, comprehensive studies like this one from the American Pain Society found that medical cannabis use is associated with a 64 percent decrease in opiate medication use.

    While studies have supported the use of marijuana to reduce opioid use, further research needs to be done as reported in the The Daily Beast. Dr. Junig also advises that patients should not start new mood-altering, addictive substances in order to taper off Suboxone.

    CBD Oil

    Three of the Suboxone patients polled were able to taper with the help of cannabidiol, also known as CBD oil. Experts emphasize the distinction between marijuana and CBD oil: CBD oil is not psychoactive, meaning that it doesn’t make patients feel “high” like the THC in marijuana. CBD oil may be a more viable option for people in states where marijuana has not been legalized and also for those who do not want mood altering affects, but strictly relief from physical symptoms. “I used CBD oil during the taper because pot isn’t legal in my state and it helped with restless legs, sleep, and anxiety,” Pablo said.

    A 2015 study in Neurotherapeutics examined the therapeutic benefits of cannabidiol as a treatment for opioid addiction. They found that CBD oil is effective in reducing the addictive properties of opioids, mitigating withdrawals, and lessening heroin-related cravings. Specifically, it relieved physical symptoms such as: nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, runny nose, sweating, cramping, muscle spasm. Additionally, it treats mental symptoms like anxiety, agitation, insomnia, and restlessness. The study states CBD oil is effective with minimal side effects and toxicity.

    Kratom

    In our survey, the people who tried kratom claim that the herb is a controversial yet effective way for tapering from Suboxone. Some experts agree. According to the Mayo Clinic: “In Asia, people have used kratom in small amounts to reduce fatigue or treat opium addiction. In other parts of the world, people take kratom to ease withdrawal, feel more energetic, relieve pain, or reduce anxiety or depression.”

    Four of the individuals surveyed used kratom for tapering off Suboxone. Christine said, “I was very tired when coming off Suboxone, so kratom helped give me the energy to work, clean my house, and take care of my kids.”

    Cristopher R. McCurdy, PhD, a professor of medicinal chemistry at University of Florida’s College of Pharmacy in Gainesville, studies kratom. McCurdy told WebMD: “I definitely believe there is legitimacy to using kratom to self-treat an opiate addiction.”

    Despite these positive reviews, the Mayo Clinic and Web MD caution that kratom can also lead to addiction and withdrawal. According to an article on WebMD, “There’s little research on the herb’s effects on people, and some experts say it also can be addictive. The herb is illegal in six states and the District of Columbia, and the Drug Enforcement Administration is considering labeling it as a Schedule I drug…For now, the agency calls it a ‘drug of concern.’”

    Pharmaceutical Remedies

    Five of the people surveyed said that they tapered with the support of medications prescribed by their doctors to treat individual withdrawal symptoms. It is best that patients talk with their doctors and addiction professionals to see if a particular medication is right for their situation.

    Happy tapering! I plan on writing more in the future about my experience and progress tapering off Suboxone. If you’re embarking on this journey, I wish you luck!

    The names of some individuals have been changed to respect their privacy.

    Have you successfully tapered off Suboxone or methadone? Or are you a “lifer” like Shannon? We’d love to hear your thoughts, experiences, and tips in the comment section.

    View the original article at thefix.com

  • You Made It Through Sober October, What’s Next?

    You Made It Through Sober October, What’s Next?

    Recovery is not something we wear lightly; it is a lifelong challenge to recover our ability to regulate our bodies, heal from our trauma, and lead a healthy and fulfilling life.

    Sober October is a great way to gain awareness of your drinking — whether your goal is to get sober or just take a break from alcohol. As positive as that lifestyle change might be, however, it has caused some controversy in the recovery community. For many of us, sobriety isn’t a choice; it’s a necessity if we want to stay alive. So it feels somewhat tokenizing when people are trying on recovery for size. On the other hand, what if it is a doorway to change? What if it creates sufficient awareness to help someone make a few adjustments to lead a healthier and more fulfilling life?

    The challenge — initially called Go Sober for October — originated in the UK as an alcohol awareness campaign and a fundraiser for MacMillan Cancer Support. It is now gaining traction globally as more of a lifestyle change leading up to the holidays. In a recent Forbes article, Sober October was touted as a way to help reset your body and prepare it for the damage that inevitably takes place over the indulgent holiday season. They point out that a month off alcohol combined with other wellness-supporting measures such as a healthier diet and more exercise will lead to better sleep, increased energy, and a clearer mind. With those small lifestyle improvements, people who participate in a month of sobriety will no doubt mitigate the health damage of the party season should they return to drinking. And that’s a positive outcome no matter who you are — whether you’re seeking sobriety or just want to improve your health and wellness.</p

    But for people in recovery, the problem occurs when those trying Dry January or Sober October flippantly celebrate how easy it was, or alternatively reach out to recovery advocates to ask for support during their challenge. Writer and advocate Tawny Lara describes why this is annoying in her article, Why Trying On Sobriety is Offensive: “Strangers frequently reach out to me asking for suggestions on how to get through 30ish days without drinking,” she says. “I don’t think they realize that my sobriety doesn’t have an end point. It’s fine that someone who probably doesn’t have issues with substance abuse, is ‘trying on sobriety’ for a little while, but why are you asking me, someone who does struggle with substance abuse, for advice? I can’t be your cheerleader for 30 days just so you can celebrate day 31 by posting photos of mimosas on Instagram.”

    She continues, “If you really want to experience the lifestyle of us sober folks, try on recovery … not sobriety. Almost anyone can take a break from drinking. Try doing that, paired with the emotionally exhausting work of identifying why you drink and why you’re choosing to give it up temporarily.”

    I understand Tawny’s frustration. Recovery is not something we wear lightly; it is a lifelong challenge to recover our ability to regulate our bodies, heal from our trauma, and lead a healthy and fulfilling life. And I used to find these types of challenges as offensive as she does. Now though, as I have become more of an advocate for harm reduction, I see them as a gateway to change. I support anyone in their desire to lead a less harmful and destructive life, whether they have a problematic relationship with alcohol or just want to temporarily improve their health.

    So, to those of you who tried the challenge to improve your health and are ready to return to moderate drinking: I salute you. Even though I cannot drink normally, I respect those who can. It is also my hope that you’ll be able to recall how great you felt when you were sober for a month, and how you achieved it, should your relationship with alcohol change.

    And to those of you who entered into the challenge hoping to try sobriety on for size with that nagging feeling in the back of your mind that your drinking might be a little out of control, I’m here to tell you that life only continues to improve in sustained sobriety. Truly. I am not going to tell you that it’s easy because it’s not. But it sure as heck is worth it. As a woman who has been in recovery for over six and a half years, my life is immeasurably better: there is less drama, I have fun, I don’t have to sell my belongings to get four bottles of wine on the way home. I feel great most days, and I can’t imagine a life so painful that I have to numb myself every day. Today I want to be present and I want to show up.

    If you want to extend Sober October into November and beyond (or if you think you might want to try again sometime in the future), there are many resources to help you on your journey to recovery. As Tawny suggests, we need to examine a problematic relationship with alcohol and get to the heart of why we’re using it as a coping mechanism. There are many pathways of recovery and many supportive groups to help you with the process. Here are my top five tips:

    1. Find a pathway of recovery that works for you. Whether it’s AA, SMART Recovery, or a meditation community, there is something for everyone. Don’t give up until you find one that works.
    2. Work with a great therapist to help you through the process.
    3. Build social supports. Find a local recovery community in your area, like an Alano Club. The Meetup website is a great way to find sober groups to hang out with.
    4. Find an online supportive community. Reddit and Facebook groups (She Recovers Together, Sober SHAIR Group, HOMies, Life After 12-Step Recovery) are great supportive communities.
    5. Read recovery literature.

    If you’re still unsure and want to ponder the idea of continued sobriety, why not follow Joe Rogan’s Sober October thread? Or you can continue to read recovery publications to see if this is a lifestyle you want now that you’ve had a taste of it. I can recommend staying alcohol-free indefinitely, but you have to do what is right for you when you’re ready. If Sober October opens the doorway to that challenge, then I wholeheartedly support you!

    Note: heavy drinkers should not stop drinking alcohol suddenly without medical supervision. Going “cold turkey” can cause serious and even life-threatening complications.

    View the original article at thefix.com

  • The Rules of Marriage…In Recovery

    The Rules of Marriage…In Recovery

    Even though it’s a positive change, adjusting to marriage with a newly sober spouse is a challenge. Some situations are a little tricky to navigate.

    After being with my husband for 15 years, it might seem like there would be few suprises left. We have the kind of relationship that includes conversations like, “Hey, Harmony, will you cut off this skin tag on my back?” followed by, “Um, no; I’ll make you a doctor’s appointment.” And later, “Does this look infected to you?”

    Robbie is what people in recovery like to call a “normie.” When it comes to alcohol, he can take it or leave it. He can just have one beer, and he doesn’t obsess over when he’ll have the next one. He likes to have fun, and he doesn’t really care if that fun involves alcohol. By the time I entered recovery, he rarely drank anymore; I was always the one drinking, and one of us had to stay sober enough to drive.

    The suprise here is that I am the alcoholic and he is the normie, because everyone who knows us assumed it was the other way around.

    My husband and I built the foundation of our relationship on having as much fun as possible. (Read: we partied a lot.) We’ve been to New Orleans, our closest major city, many times over the years, visiting for Mardi Gras, romantic getaways, concerts, plays, art events, and stuff with our kids. In true alcoholic form, I remember very little of any of it.

    Since I entered recovery, our relationship has shifted considerably. He is exactly the same as he’s always been, but everything about me is changing — how I react to things, what I do and say, how I view and enjoy my life, and how I relate to my husband. All these changes bring up a lot of questions and discussions, obviously, like if we go to New Orleans, will my husband drink? How much? Will I be able to handle it?

    Recently, he scored amazing tickets to an NFL game in the New Orleans Superdome. When he asked me to go, I panicked: I’ve got under two years of sobriety under my belt, and we’ve never been to any major city without alcohol. In fact, the last time we went down there, I started with a hand grenade on Bourbon Street and ended with what I believe to be absinthe. None of this was my husband’s fault — we were just there having fun — but his version of “fun” is a lot less dangerous than mine. When I start drinking, I drink to forget.

    Neither of us knew how severe my issues were when we met and fell in love. We got married, had a bunch of kids, and BAM! I was in so deep I almost didn’t find my way out. But that’s the beauty of true partnership; Robbie supports me fully in everything I do, and he wants nothing more than to see me happy and healthy. Even so, adjusting to the evolution is a challenge, and even though it is a very positive change for our family, there are still times when it can be a little tricky to navigate.

    So, what does my sobriety mean for us as a couple? What are the rules of marriage when one person is an addict and the other is not?

    What to do with the alcohol. The issue of what is and is not allowed in the house is a big one. I’m a stay-at-home mom, which means I’m the one staring at the liquor cabinet at 5 p.m. while our children complain about dinner. For us, getting the alcohol out of the house and keeping it out was vital to maintaining my sobriety. I can’t even have Oreos in the house, lest I eat them all, so for now, it’s better this way.

    However, I do know many couples who still have alcohol at home and the alcoholic partner isn’t bothered by it. It really boils down to triggers. I, for example, am triggered every damn day when I’m home alone with the kids. If I have alcohol around me and no other adults as backup, I would have a very hard time resisting. Robbie understands that and it’s not a problem for us. Also, we didn’t have to throw any of it out because I drank every last drop of it myself before sobering up.

    Prescription medication. Because I’m the mom, I’ve always been in charge of the meds. Uh, I wasn’t exactly responsible — and it was very hard to admit that, both to myself and to my husband. So for a while, and at different points since then, he’s had to take over administering the medication so I don’t eat the entire bottle like candy. He’s been willing to do that because he knows it’s an easy way to help me on my journey to wellness.

    What about the chocolate? One of the biggest problems I’ve had in recovery is my insane sweet tooth. Every time my husband or the kids bring home candy, cupcakes, Lucky Charms, or cake, I generally eat it all before they have a chance to even taste it. Robbie started hiding his stash of cookies from me, which naturally I found, and to be honest we’ve had more spats over the junk food than anything else.

    Am I always going to be the designated driver? GOD NO. I’m not stable enough to drive around a bunch of drunks. This is why there is Uber.

    Football season is huge in our house, and as I mentioned above, we went to an NFL game where everyone was drinking. And it was tough — but as long as I’m honest with him about my struggles, he is happy to help. It’s the honesty part that gets me: being willing to admit that I am powerless over alcohol.

    On the morning of the game, I got up early to attend a meeting, and prepared before we left to avoid getting too hungry, tired, or thirsty. It was literally the most fun I’ve ever had at a football game, ever — and that includes when I was drinking.

    Parties! We go to them. We might have to leave earlier than we’d like. I hope that gets better, but I’m proud of myself for going.

    Meetings. We have three children under the age of 10, and my husband is rarely home before 8 p.m. Finagling our schedules to allow for me to make it to meetings is probably one of the biggest issues we face, and sometimes I get resentful when I really need to go but have to wait until another time. He learned pretty quickly that when I go, I’m much easier to live with, so he does everything he can to accommodate me. Smart man.

    Sex. That’s a topic for a whole other essay. Suffice it to say, it’s been an adjustment.

    I can honestly say, for the first time in a very long while, that I’m truly the person that Robbie fell in love with all those years ago, and his patience with me as I fumble my way through recovery has completely renewed the love I have for him. Marriage in recovery is a beautiful, beautiful thing.

    View the original article at thefix.com

  • Married to a Normie: Relationship Rules

    Married to a Normie: Relationship Rules

    Even though it’s a positive change, adjusting to marriage with a newly sober spouse is a challenge. Some situations are a little tricky to navigate.

    After being with my husband for 15 years, it might seem like there would be few suprises left. We have the kind of relationship that includes conversations like, “Hey, Harmony, will you cut off this skin tag on my back?” followed by, “Um, no; I’ll make you a doctor’s appointment.” And later, “Does this look infected to you?”

    Robbie is what people in recovery like to call a “normie.” When it comes to alcohol, he can take it or leave it. He can just have one beer, and he doesn’t obsess over when he’ll have the next one. He likes to have fun, and he doesn’t really care if that fun involves alcohol. By the time I entered recovery, he rarely drank anymore; I was always the one drinking, and one of us had to stay sober enough to drive.

    The suprise here is that I am the alcoholic and he is the normie, because everyone who knows us assumed it was the other way around.

    My husband and I built the foundation of our relationship on having as much fun as possible. (Read: we partied a lot.) We’ve been to New Orleans, our closest major city, many times over the years, visiting for Mardi Gras, romantic getaways, concerts, plays, art events, and stuff with our kids. In true alcoholic form, I remember very little of any of it.

    Since I entered recovery, our relationship has shifted considerably. He is exactly the same as he’s always been, but everything about me is changing — how I react to things, what I do and say, how I view and enjoy my life, and how I relate to my husband. All these changes bring up a lot of questions and discussions, obviously, like if we go to New Orleans, will my husband drink? How much? Will I be able to handle it?

    Recently, he scored amazing tickets to an NFL game in the New Orleans Superdome. When he asked me to go, I panicked: I’ve got under two years of sobriety under my belt, and we’ve never been to any major city without alcohol. In fact, the last time we went down there, I started with a hand grenade on Bourbon Street and ended with what I believe to be absinthe. None of this was my husband’s fault — we were just there having fun — but his version of “fun” is a lot less dangerous than mine. When I start drinking, I drink to forget.

    Neither of us knew how severe my issues were when we met and fell in love. We got married, had a bunch of kids, and BAM! I was in so deep I almost didn’t find my way out. But that’s the beauty of true partnership; Robbie supports me fully in everything I do, and he wants nothing more than to see me happy and healthy. Even so, adjusting to the evolution is a challenge, and even though it is a very positive change for our family, there are still times when it can be a little tricky to navigate.

    So, what does my sobriety mean for us as a couple? What are the rules of marriage when one person is an addict and the other is not?

    What to do with the alcohol. The issue of what is and is not allowed in the house is a big one. I’m a stay-at-home mom, which means I’m the one staring at the liquor cabinet at 5 p.m. while our children complain about dinner. For us, getting the alcohol out of the house and keeping it out was vital to maintaining my sobriety. I can’t even have Oreos in the house, lest I eat them all, so for now, it’s better this way.

    However, I do know many couples who still have alcohol at home and the alcoholic partner isn’t bothered by it. It really boils down to triggers. I, for example, am triggered every damn day when I’m home alone with the kids. If I have alcohol around me and no other adults as backup, I would have a very hard time resisting. Robbie understands that and it’s not a problem for us. Also, we didn’t have to throw any of it out because I drank every last drop of it myself before sobering up.

    Prescription medication. Because I’m the mom, I’ve always been in charge of the meds. Uh, I wasn’t exactly responsible — and it was very hard to admit that, both to myself and to my husband. So for a while, and at different points since then, he’s had to take over administering the medication so I don’t eat the entire bottle like candy. He’s been willing to do that because he knows it’s an easy way to help me on my journey to wellness.

    What about the chocolate? One of the biggest problems I’ve had in recovery is my insane sweet tooth. Every time my husband or the kids bring home candy, cupcakes, Lucky Charms, or cake, I generally eat it all before they have a chance to even taste it. Robbie started hiding his stash of cookies from me, which naturally I found, and to be honest we’ve had more spats over the junk food than anything else.

    Am I always going to be the designated driver? GOD NO. I’m not stable enough to drive around a bunch of drunks. This is why there is Uber.

    Football season is huge in our house, and as I mentioned above, we went to an NFL game where everyone was drinking. And it was tough — but as long as I’m honest with him about my struggles, he is happy to help. It’s the honesty part that gets me: being willing to admit that I am powerless over alcohol.

    On the morning of the game, I got up early to attend a meeting, and prepared before we left to avoid getting too hungry, tired, or thirsty. It was literally the most fun I’ve ever had at a football game, ever — and that includes when I was drinking.

    Parties! We go to them. We might have to leave earlier than we’d like. I hope that gets better, but I’m proud of myself for going.

    Meetings. We have three children under the age of 10, and my husband is rarely home before 8 p.m. Finagling our schedules to allow for me to make it to meetings is probably one of the biggest issues we face, and sometimes I get resentful when I really need to go but have to wait until another time. He learned pretty quickly that when I go, I’m much easier to live with, so he does everything he can to accommodate me. Smart man.

    Sex. That’s a topic for a whole other essay. Suffice it to say, it’s been an adjustment.

    I can honestly say, for the first time in a very long while, that I’m truly the person that Robbie fell in love with all those years ago, and his patience with me as I fumble my way through recovery has completely renewed the love I have for him. Marriage in recovery is a beautiful, beautiful thing.

    View the original article at thefix.com

  • You Got Sober, but Are You Having Fun?

    You Got Sober, but Are You Having Fun?

    I love my job; I adore writing. But that doesn’t necessarily mean I’m having fun. If anything, it shows me how much of my life is work.

    I arrived at my therapist’s office earlier this year in a state of complete burnout. My adrenals weren’t producing sufficient cortisol to get me through the day, inflammation was rampant throughout my body, and my immune system had given up. As a writer who specializes in recovery and wellness, I couldn’t understand how this had happened to me. I worked out four days a week and ate well. I had also uprooted my life and moved to America, where I’d been working seven days a week for a year. My body had kept score. It was telling me it was time to rest, work through some stuff, and recalibrate. In many ways, this process mirrored the process of recovery.

    Six months ago, my therapist asked me if I knew how to have fun. Perplexed, I looked at her and wondered why she asked what appeared to be such a daft question. Of course I do, I rather flippantly replied. She asked me to expand upon my answer. I began to explain all the ways I have fun in my life, while simultaneously experiencing one of those moments where I recognized that the words coming out of my mouth were somehow communicating a distorted perception of reality.

    I love my job; I adore writing. I beamed. I also love interacting with others: digging into the heart of what makes people tick and how things work, challenging perspectives, and feeling like I’m contributing to the recovery community. I really enjoy yin yoga and exercising too, I tagged on to the end of my explanation, as if to somehow bolster my argument that of course I know how to have fun.

    I realized that few of these examples equate to fun. Instead, they provide a sense of fulfillment from my writing and my interactions with others. I may enjoy my job, but that doesn’t necessarily mean I’m having fun. If anything, it shows me how much of my life is work.

    Writing is such a complex process that elicits a range of feelings and emotions, from great joy to intense, cathartic pain. While writing has remained an enjoyable activity (most of the time), I have made it my career. Forcing a creative process to adhere to deadlines and other people’s requirements takes away a large chunk of joy and places it firmly in the realm of work, not play. And I used yoga and exercise more as activities of self-care that gave me a sense of relief rather than joy.

    I left therapy that day pondering the concept of fun, my understanding of it, what it looked like to me, and what real examples I could muster up. To be completely honest, it was really challenging. First, I had to consider what fun means to me.

    When I think of fun, I think of laughter, joy, pleasure and excitement. Breaking that down, I also realized that excitement is something I have also mistaken for fun. I felt excitement when I used drugs, because my life was so unfulfilling and lacking any sense of joy. Given my history, I realized I associated excitement with the danger of taking drugs.

    According to Merriam-Webster, fun is defined as:

    1 : what provides amusement or enjoyment; specifically : playful often boisterous action or speech full of fun
    2 : a mood for finding or making amusement. all in fun
    3 a : Amusement, enjoyment. Sickness takes all the fun out of life play games for fun
    b : derisive jest : sport, ridicule. a figure of fun. They made fun of the way he talked.
    4 : violent or excited activity or argument. Insults were exchanged and then the fun began.

    So really, I was looking for what kinds of play, or activities, gave me a sense of enjoyment in life. Academically, I understood the concept. Relationally, I still struggled to find examples.

    I could see from my earlier discussion with my therapist that interaction gives me a sense of joy — especially meaningful discussion. Dinner at a fancy restaurant where the food has unusual flavor combinations and the conversation is interesting and intense elicits a feeling of great joy. I feel inspired by eating out and often recreate, with my own twist, dishes I’ve enjoyed — that is pleasurable, especially if I’m listening to music. I also love playful activities, such as crafting and attending creative workshops, and learning how to make something, like a plant hanging or a macramé project. And I get great joy from riding my bike in Portland. Being outdoors in Portland and seeing its natural beauty has been incredibly pleasurable. I love exploring the Pacific Northwest.

    Confident in my new understanding that the construct of fun means enjoyment, pleasure, and play, I was keen to understand how others understand fun and how they engage with it. As I often do when considering a topic, I took my question to the recovery community and asked what my peers do for fun. It surprised me that many people were unable to answer, and some answered in the same way that I had with my therapist. Others listed dancing, music and concerts, creative activities, traveling, reading, playing with children in their family, and gaming, but there certainly weren’t a lot of responses. Some even asked what I meant by the word fun.

    When asked why we struggle to have fun, significantly more people commented. Recovery scientist Austin Brown said: “People with SUD [substance use disorder] are obsessed with themselves and how they ‘feel.’ I think this carries over into recovery. I think we struggle with obsessions with our own emotions for years into recovery. So it is natural that the question ‘How will I have fun (i.e., find instantaneous relief from negativity) in recovery?’ is brought up. It is an offshoot of this obsession with our feelings.”

    Lisa McLaughlin, a person in long-term recovery, says: “As the original party people, many of us in recovery struggle to have fun in the company of drinkers wearing our new killjoy hat. It adds insult to injury that most of us still burn our candles at both ends and have passionate dreams and interests, but find ourselves suddenly shy and isolated in the same rooms where we used to hold court and entertain. It helps to find new sober souls to convene and get rowdy with.”

    Arielle Ashford, who is also in long-term recovery, told me: “I think we take recovery far too seriously and therefore ourselves way too seriously. Having fun in the past equaled trouble.” Relearning how to have fun is a challenging task. “It takes imagination, creativity, and courage to get out and have a good time without alcohol and other drugs,” Arielle said.

    Recovery is such a huge learning process. Many of us didn’t know how to live before we entered recovery, much less how to have fun — or what that even means. Austin explained that we “have little training in the art of life. It takes a concerted effort to learn. Also, I think they have always mistaken excitement for happiness or joy. In recovery, we have to learn what those things mean and how they feel.”

    I believe that we need to engage in as much joy, pleasure, and play as we can to bring levity to what can sometimes be a challenging life in recovery. How do you have fun in your recovery?

    View the original article at thefix.com