“Rarely have we seen a person fail–” Not exactly. Join us as we ring in the season, 12-step style.
How it Works – Yuletide Edition
Admitted we were powerless over the string of Christmas lights with three dead bulbs, mom’s green bean casserole and Aunt Barb’s warbling operatic rendition of O Holy Night.
Came to believe that a power greater than us would deliver a brand new Toyota Tundra into the driveway in the morning.
Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to Amazon Prime next day delivery because we forgot that Uncle Dan was flying in on the Red Eye with his 5 kids.
Made a searching and fearless inventory of our childhood bedrooms looking for proof that the 80’s really did happen even though we can’t remember.
Admitted to anyone within earshot that we baked weed into the brownies we brought for Christmas dinner two years before.
Were entirely ready to remove all the defects of character in every person seated at the table; by force if necessary.
Humbly asked dad to remove the shortcomings in our bank account with a big fat Christmas check.
Made a list of all the relatives who were going to ask “why aren’t you drinking?” and became willing to tell them to fuck off.
Made direct deposits into the accounts of every family member from whom we had stolen money in the past; except when to do so would leave us short on rent.
Continued to take inventory and when we found our hidden stash of coke from 12 years ago, promptly flushed it down the toilet.
Sought through chocolate and the Hallmark Channel to improve our overall Christmas spirit as we understand it.
Having survived the family Christmas still sober, we rushed home to our cats and our Darjeeling tea before remembering the world’s favorite drinking holiday is just seven days away.
Drug-fueled parties, overdoses, stories of survival and despair. These songs deal with all that and more.
There are so many songs celebrating the party lifestyle “and we dancing to a song about a face gone numb” (Macklemore – “Drug Dealer” feat. Ariana DeBoo). What about songs that explore recovery from addiction? There are more than you might realize.
How long will it take to dispel the stigma around substance use disorders and other mental illnesses? Songs that talk openly about these issues are helping to bring awareness to the public consciousness. In just the last decade, there have been so many incredible songs written about addiction. Here are just a handful of the best songs about addiction and recovery from the last five years:
1. Shawn Mendes – In My Blood
Shawn Mendes wrote the 2018 song “In My Blood” as a way to open up about his struggles with anxiety. The lyrics ring true for anyone who knows the excruciating pain of trying to cope with mental illness, including addiction. The song is empowering with the lyrics “sometimes I feel like giving up but I just can’t, it isn’t in my blood.” Survivors can relate to the drive to not give up on yourself, even when it’s something you can’t explain, that it just isn’t in your blood to give up.
I’m overwhelmed and insecure, give me something I could take to ease my mind slowly Just have a drink and you’ll feel better Just take her home and you’ll feel better Keep telling me that it gets better Does it ever?
2. Mike Posner – I Took a Pill in Ibiza
You might know this 2015 song in its hyped up, remixed version. The SeeB remix of this song was played in clubs non-stop and streamed over a billion times on Spotify, and its music video seen over a billion times on YouTube. The original is actually a stripped-down tune about regretful drug use, excessive partying, depression, and loneliness. The backstory of a song doesn’t dictate how it’s consumed by listeners, but this tune was basically borne from a bad trip and written as a way to process “dark and heavy emotion.”
The song is also poignant for its mention of Avicii, who was open about his own experiences with depression, addiction, and recovery, and who died by suicide last year.
But you don’t wanna be high like me Never really knowing why like me You don’t ever wanna step off that roller coaster and be all alone
3. Calvin Harris, Rag’n’Bone Man – Giant
Scottish DJ Calvin Harris collaborated with Rag’n’Bone Man to create the stirring 2019 song “Giant.” Giant starts off with a common thread in addiction, loneliness, and trying to fill that void with something (in this case, pills). The song itself goes on to feel empowering and hopeful. Rag’n’Bone Man sounds like he’s singing about recovery: “You taught me something, yeah, freedom is ours, it was you who taught me living is.”
I understood loneliness Before I knew what it was I saw the pills on the table
4. Demi Lovato – Sober
The entirety of Demi Lovato’s single “Sober” is a real-life relapse confession. She wrote this song about her 2018 relapse after six years of sobriety. Part of the message is similar to Macklemore’s “Starting Over” as she sings about letting down her fans and the challenge of being public about sobriety. Loneliness is a central tenet of addiction for many, and this song touches on that with lyrics like “it’s only when I’m lonely…just hold me, I’m lonely.”
Momma, I’m so sorry, I’m not sober anymore And daddy, please forgive me for the drinks spilled on the floor To the ones who never left me We’ve been down this road before I’m so sorry, I’m not sober anymore
5. Ed Sheeran – Save Myself
Ed Sheeran’s 2017 “Save Myself” is about finally learning to put yourself first. Like a person who became addicted to cope with codependency, the song talks about the problems inherent in giving your everything to save another person. If we don’t take care of ourselves, we can’t ever help anyone else.
Life can get you down so I just numb the way it feels I drown it with a drink and out-of-date prescription pills And all the ones that love me they just left me on the shelf No farewell So before I save someone else, I’ve got to save myself
And before I blame someone else, I’ve got to save myself And before I love someone else, I’ve got to love myself
6. J. Cole – Once an Addict
Cole’s 2018 album KOD tackles topics like mental health, addictions, trauma, and mental illness stigma in the black community. The song “Once an Addict” explores being an addict who is the child of an addict. Those of us who have experience with a caregiver’s alcoholism can directly relate to the pain of watching someone you love kill themselves slowly; then to numb that pain, becoming addicts themselves.
Something’s got a hold on me I can’t let it go Right Life can bring much pain There are many ways to deal with this pain (right) Choose wisely
7. Belly – What Does It Mean?
Palestinian-Canadian rapper Belly put together the powerful 2018 album “Immigrant.” The album includes a song titled “What Does It Mean?” This track doesn’t hold back in its honest depiction of addiction at a young age. It holds hope by talking about still being alive after having an overdose at only 16 years old.
On God that’s the moment that they all fear (all fear) Look, I was only fourteen (fourteen) X addiction got me feeling like a whole fiend Sixteen, first time that I OD’d And I’m still here
8. NF – How Could You Leave Us
Nathan Feuerstein, better known as NF, is a rapper who often pens songs about childhood trauma and mental illness. NF’s 2016 song “How Could You Leave Us” is a heartbreaking song about losing his mother to an addiction to pills. He says in the song that he doesn’t know what it’s like to have that addiction, but he does “know what it’s like to be a witness, it kills.”
I wish you were here mama but every time I picture you All I feel is pain, I hate the way I remember you They found you on the floor, I could tell that you felt hollow Gave everything you had plus your life to them pill bottles
What are some of your faves? Let us know in the comments.
Texting, for example… Sober? Text away! But If you’re drunk, give your phone to someone you trust and tell them to lock it up.
In certain circles there is much debate around whether life is better sober or with alcohol. Sober people have a list of reasons why their lifestyle is better, much of which center around improved health, stronger personal relationships, and a lack of legal and financial issues (and some of us didn’t have a choice). Boozehounds tend to have a simple argument: they like to party and they don’t want to stop.
Still, regardless of whether you’re imbibing or teetotal, there are some things that we can all agree need to be done sober…or else!
If you’re sober, consider this a gratitude list. If you’re not, keep this article handy so you don’t have too many amends to make the next time you have a “morning after.”
15. Posting on Social Media
There are few things worse than waking up after a long night of partying and seeing a bunch of notifications on Facebook when you don’t remember even logging in. Well actually there are a lot of things worse but we’ll get to those. Whether you left a comment that you thought was hilarious but in reality was bizarre, flirted with a stranger awkwardly over DM, made inappropriate suggestions to a married coworker, or just put up a post explaining your deepest thoughts that in the light of day make you seem like a lunatic, social media and drinking are a lethal combination.
14. Online Shopping
This is never a good idea when drinking. While that pair of $300 shoes or those trendy jeans might seem totally necessary when you’re hammered, you probably should’ve waited until morning to pay for what’s in your cart. And will that tee-shirt that says “I’m not shy, I just don’t like you” seem quite so funny in the morning? Even worse is when you shop drunk for someone else. Lock those credit cards up!
13. Having a Serious Conversation with Your Significant Other
Sometimes when you get to drinking, things about your significant other start to gnaw at you a bit. All of a sudden it seems like this very moment is the perfect time to enumerate all the different things your loved one does that bother you, that you’ve been keeping deep inside. Of course you’ll bring them up in a very respectful way, everything will go well, and it won’t turn into a childish fight. In reality, if you act on this drunken impulse, you’ll probably end up spending the night at the local Motel 6. With your cat.
12. Cooking
I know, one of the things that is so fun about being buzzed is making a snack in the middle of the night and going to town. That’s cool, just don’t use the stove. Bad things happen. The best-case scenario might be a ruined meal, but the worst involves a call to 911, and there are a lot of things in between those two extremes that aren’t good either. Get something delivered instead. Even Domino’s is better than trying to figure out how to shut off your fire alarm when you’re drunk.
11. Napping in Public
This is never a good idea when you’re drunk. If you’re sober, a little nap on the beach or on the train when you’re commuting home might be refreshing. If you’re hammered, it means one of the worst sunburns you’ve ever had, or waking up on the train 20 miles past where you were supposed to get off. And if you feel like taking a nap in a bar or at a party, that’s not a nap: you’re passing out.
10. Hooking Up with Someone New
One of the cool things about having a buzz on is you lose your inhibitions. You might see someone you like across the room and go over and talk to them, and if the vibe is right you just might end up hooking up. Wait, did I see that was one of the cool things? I was kidding, that’s one of the bad things. When you’re drunk, you don’t even know if you really do like them, and you have no idea if the vibe is right. Take a number and hook up the next day. If the vibe was truly right, it still will be. Better yet, be brave and try it sober. Otherwise you may end up in one of those awkward “what’s your name” conversations post-interlude.
9. Making a Promise
When you’re sober, making a promise is a good thing. It shows that you’re honest and responsible, or at least trying to be. When you’re drunk, not so much. First of all, there is a good chance you aren’t even going to remember your promise; secondly, even if you do remember, there is an even better chance you were just blowing smoke. Keep your promises to yourself when you’ve been boozing.
8. Checking Your Work Email
If you’ve been drinking, his one is just a hard no. I know, most of us wouldn’t check our work email when we’ve been drinking, but sometimes you might be just kicking around, half in the bag, and just want to take a quick little peak and see what’s happening at the office. If sober, this just shows you’re conscientious. If you’ve been drinking, clicking on your inbox is the same as walking through a landmine. For the love of God, close the program!
7. Dropping Knowledge
Sometimes you’re in the midst of a conversation and something comes up that you happen to know about and you feel compelled to share your knowledge. If you’re sober, knock yourself out. If you’re drunk, please don’t. Whether you want to talk about politics, what’s wrong with millennials, or the Yankees’ starting rotation, you aren’t going to sound nearly as smart as you think you will. Trust me on this one.
6. Texting Someone You’re Crushing On
Drunk or sober, you might get the urge to text someone who you have a bit of a crush on. If you’re sober, do it up. Letting someone know you’re thinking of them is usually appreciated. But if you’re drunk, give your phone to someone you trust and tell them to lock it up. You might be able to get through a few texts without a problem, but sooner or later it will become obvious that you’re wasted and you’re just going to sound dumb, or worse.
5. Flirting
Whether there’s genuine interest or you’re just enjoying yourself, flirting can be fun. There is a line, though, between coming off as someone flirtatious and fun and someone who boorish and aggressive. When you’re boozing, sometimes (okay, pretty much all the time) it can be hard to figure out where that line is. In fact, when you’re hammered, it can be hard to even tell when if your flirting is going well or poorly.
4. Confronting a Stranger
Sometimes you’re just going about your day, minding your own business, when someone you don’t know does something that irritates you. Maybe they cut in line, or are being rude to a waitress, and you want to say something to them about it. If you’re sober, go for it, and good for you. If you’re drunk and you confront a stranger, there’s a pretty good chance you’ll wind up in a viral YouTube video, and not the kind that receives a million “likes” because you’re such a wonderful person. (or “not the kind that gets you on “Ellen” for being such a wonderful person.”)
3. Picking Up the Tab
You’ve been out with friends and it’s time for the bill. Being the generous person you are, you’ve decided to pick up the tab. If you’re sober that’s cool, how nice of you. If you’re drunk it could be a big mistake. Looking at your bank statement the day after a night on the town can be terrifying. It’s cool, though, it isn’t like you needed groceries this week anyway.
2. Getting a Tattoo
This one is pretty obvious, but it needs to be said anyway. Don’t get inked up after a night of drinking. Sober people usually spend a long time figuring out what kind of tattoo they want and researching local artists with the skill to deliver the kind of work they want. Drunk people wander into some random tattoo shop on the strip and get a tribal design on their forearm because they want to seem deep. What’s actually deep is spending time thoughtfully considering what kind of tattoo you’re putting on your body.
1. Driving
Okay so seriously, don’t drink and drive. This is the one thing that everyone agrees on. If you get behind the wheel when you’ve been drinking, you’re basically an irresponsible maniac who doesn’t care about the consequences of your actions and who you hurt. So just don’t do it. If you’re drinking, be prepared: taxi, designated driver, uber, lyft, mom. There’s no reason to ever drink and drive. The world thanks you.
If I’m watching a movie that makes me glad I’m sober, it’s better than meds. Here are 5 recent favorites, all based on true stories about alcohol, drugs, crime, and consequences.
When one sees 150 movies per year, only a few of them stick. My favorites are intensely dramatic indies based on true tales. When documentaries or features include substance abuse? Slam dunk! They stay in my head. Addiction, true crime, and fame—yes! I went gaga over music biopics Rocketman and Bohemian Rhapsody.
My friend calls me an excitement junkie. True dat, but there’s another element: If I’m watching a movie that makes me glad I’m sober, it’s better than meds. After hitting rock bottom, and dragging my brokenness into recovery, I had many questions, doubts, and fears. People were incredibly patient.
“Don’t drink, and go to meetings,” they said. I liked this slogan even better: “Don’t think, and go to movies.” So, grab an ice-cold lemonade, crank your air-conditioner to high, then kick back and stream these top five flicks.
1. Trial by Fire
Trial by Fire is based on an article by David Grann for The New Yorker in 2009 about an unlikely friendship between former Texas teacher Elizabeth Gilbert (Laura Dern) and death row inmate Cameron Todd Willingham (Jack O’Connell). Willingham (“Todd”) was found guilty of an arson-related triple homicide in 1992. He was 23 at the time and told everyone that he’d been asleep when the house burst into flames and he couldn’t save his two-year-old and infant twins.
Gilbert (no relation to the author of Eat, Pray, Love) told The Fix: “In 1999, when I wrote the first letter to Todd, my marriage was over and my kids were out of the house…so I had extra time on my hands.”
Opposed to capital punishment, she volunteered to become a pen-pal with a death row inmate.
“I was randomly given Todd’s name,” Gilbert said.
Willingham was a poor, uneducated, unemployed auto mechanic who guzzled Jack Daniels and beat his wife. He was home with the kids while his wife was supporting the family by working in a bar. In court, the prosecutors repeatedly referred to his serpent tattoo and heavy-metal posters as “death images.” Willingham also had a criminal record—a DUI and a couple of petty thefts in his teens.
When Gilbert received Willingham’s first letter, it felt surprising, “It was very forthright. He thanked me for writing and asked me to let the public know how he and others were treated in the penitentiary. Willingham wrote that after there’d been a prison break, the men were no longer allowed to have art supplies or any activities they’d had before.”
After more correspondence and in-person visits, Gilbert grew to believe Willingham was innocent. As she researched the case, she uncovered glaring problems with the investigation and witness statements. When she found out about suppressed evidence that could have cleared him, she contacted everyone involved in the case. Some people spoke to her, others wouldn’t.
Trial By Fire’s director Edward Zwick told The Fix, “It’s one thing to sit in your own room for 10 minutes and not do anything, or even 10 hours. But a prisoner does it for 10 years…. There’s withdrawal; sense deprivation. With Todd, it wasn’t just alcohol. He was doing drugs too, certainly smoking a lot of pot. He was self-medicating. Then, in the midst of everything taken away, there’s no buffer for the pain in the reality of the situation.”
2. Woodstock: Three Days That Defined a Generation
In 2019, many of us are exhausted, wondering What horrible news will I read today? In the 1960s our nation was in a similar mental state—still reeling from the assassinations of President John F. Kennedy, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., and presidential hopeful Robert F. Kennedy. An alarming number of Americans didn’t come back from the Vietnam War. Hordes of disgusted citizens marched for civil rights, women’s equality, and to protest war. In 1967, Hair opened off-Broadway in New York, 100,000 hippies descended on Haight-Ashbury, and Jimi Hendrix blew everyone’s mind at the Monterey Pop Festival.
In August 1969, Woodstock, the iconic symbol of peace and love, almost didn’t happen. Event organizers estimated about 10,000 people showing up. Half a million came. It was three days of fantastic music but also dire conditions—rain storms, gobs of slippery mud, and not enough food or water. By the last day, only 200,000 remained. I’m guessing the other 300K have been kicking themselves ever since.
Jimi Hendrix, the headliner, played last. With his searing guitar and electric stage presence, he performed a medley of big hits and that unforgettable version of “The Star Spangled Banner.” A clip of it was included in Woodstock: Three Days That Defined a Generation. The doc had its world premiere at Tribeca Film Festival (TFF) and received raves. On August 6, PBS makes it available for streaming.
This hope-inspiring indie includes the voices of attendees. We asked one of them, Susie K. Kaufman, if she’d stayed until the last day for Jimi Hendrix.
“Of course! I was there for the mu-uu-uu-sic.” Her emphasis made a two-syllable word sound like four. “My friends were all musicians too. We did not miss any of the performers. We were there to hear it all.”
Kaufman and her friends drove up to the little New York town of Bethel from Morristown, New Jersey in a VW bus.
“We were all high but I was so intensely focused on the music. I’d been protesting all over the place. I was tired. I really needed a break. Woodstock was life-changing for me. I realized I didn’t need drugs anymore. We’d been with 500,000 people and experienced nothing but peace and kindness. It was exactly what I needed.”
It’s a captivating documentary about what is possible despite overwhelming obstacles. Hopefully, America will get back to loving kindness. Love trumps hate.
3. Charlie Says
Fifty years ago, brainwashed and drugged up disciples killed for Charles Manson. Director Mary Harron (American Psycho) tells the story from a new angle, through the perspective of Leslie Van Houten (Hannah Murray). The next tier of central characters are killers Patricia Krenwinkel (Sosie Bacon) and Susan Atkins (Marianne Rendón).
Actor Murray (Game of Thrones) is superb as the vulnerable teen girl. She’s the awkward, shy type that predators often sniff out and seduce. Charlie Says doesn’t glorify anyone, although it is wrenching to watch three teen girls become so enamored with Manson that he’s able to warp their minds. Both Harron and Olivia Klaus, the director of the 2014 TFF doc about Krenwinkel, show what happened in a way that creates empathy for these manipulated girls, but neither film minimizes their heinous crimes.
“[T]he story is told from the women’s perspective—trying to understand why they were in the cult and why they did what they did,” Harron told The Fix.
Today’s “Deep State” conspiracy theory is much the same as Manson’s “Helter Skelter.” When the madman listened to The Beatles’ White Album for the first time in November 1968, he heard imaginary coded messages about an impending race war. Manson believed that black people would defeat white people and it would be up to the Manson Family to save the world by taking over the black race and enslaving them. His disciples soaked in his ramblings and followed his directions to prepare for the apocalypse. He taught his cult to kill.
Watching Murray practice stabbing in one powerful scene is particularly disturbing; seeing three young women confined to an isolated cellblock in a California penitentiary and still devoted to Manson is sickening.
Merritt Wever (Nurse Jackie) is compelling and believable as a compassionate grad student who sees the tragedy of lives ruined by a master manipulator. Determined to break Manson’s spell, she helps the women come back to the real world. It’s painful to watch them realize that they’d viciously killed innocent people because they’d believed Manson’s irrational preachings of hate and violence.
I couldn’t help thinking about the 20-year-old Neo-Nazi who drove his car through a crowd of peaceful protestors in Charlottesville. He just received life in prison plus 419 years. I wonder whose unhinged rantings he’d been listening to.
4. Tough Guy: The Bob Probert Story
After 17 years as the National Hockey League’s toughest enforcer, Bob Probert was in chronic pain. He’d been prescribed OxyContin, three pills per day, but took eight instead—two in the morning, two after lunch, two at dinner, and two at bedtime. He’d dip the pills in cola to dissolve the time-release coating, then chop up what was left in a line and snort it. For a couple of hours his back wouldn’t hurt, his hip flexor wouldn’t bother him, and he could walk without the feeling of knives jabbing at his knees.
Probert was a celebrity player for the Detroit Red Wings and the Chicago Blackhawks, so much of his life was recorded. During his career, he was suspended twice, jailed for carrying cocaine across the border, and admitted to rehab 10 times. Finally, at age 45, his body gave out. He had a fatal heart attack in the summer of 2010. At the time he was finishing up a memoir about drugs, alcohol, police, customs officials, court appearances, and his battles on ice.
During Tough Guy, you’ll hear Probert read a letter. Have a tissue nearby.
“Dear Disease,” he reads aloud, “You have taken away valuable time from my wonderful wife Dani and my four kids… my self-respect and dignity. You have turned me into someone that I am not.”
Bob’s widow Dani spoke to The Fix. She described a three-day intensive program at one of her husband’s rehabs.
“I didn’t want to go,” she said. “I was like ‘This addiction is his problem.’ But I went and [learned] I had my own baggage.”
She said she found help at Al-Anon meetings and women’s groups. Once she developed some tools, and focused on herself, she had an Aha! moment.
“There’s alcoholism in my family. And I had trauma. My parents were young…. and divorced early. I was raised by everybody but my parents. I thought I was okay when I wasn’t. I had to learn not to be codependent. Our last years together were healthy. I focus on that.”
5. Framing John DeLorean
Part-documentary, part-reenactment, this one tells a story that “has everything” according to DeLorean’s troubled son Zachary. “It’s got cocaine, hot chicks, sports cars, bombed-out buildings, Margaret Thatcher, Ronald Reagan, FBI agents and hard-core drug dealers.”
DeLorean was a flashy marketing wizard who branded himself as much as the sexy cars he designed. When the carmaker decided his image required a stronger chin, he simply bought one and had it implanted.
Alec Baldwin plays John DeLorean—a man driven by the delusion of his own importance. It was entertaining, and paradoxical, listening to Baldwin discuss DeLorean’s ego while he was made up to look like the celebrated narcissist—including thick black eyebrows, gray hair, and a prosthetic chin.
Tribeca Film Festival’s red carpet for the premier featured three DeLorean cars gliding up to curb. It was exciting to be so close to the futuristic car I recognized from the Back to the Future franchise. When the iconic wings were raised, the cast and crew struggled, trying to contort themselves into positions that allowed them to climb out of the impractical car.
In his heyday, DeLorean was a symbol of the American dream. When GM had enough of his arrogance, they fired him. With a “screw you” he did something unheard of—he created his own car company. Framing John DeLorean is a juicy story of a desperate man who lied to and took advantage of his friends, family, investors, collaborators, and employees. Then he got arrested for a $24 million cocaine deal.
Honorable Mention
Extremely Wicked, Shockingly Evil and Vile
Directed by Academy Award nominee Joe Berlinger, Extremely Wicked tells the story of the double-life led by the vicious serial killer and necrophile, Ted Bundy (Zac Efron). This is the first time the Bundy story is told from the perspective of his long-term girlfriend Liz Kendall (Lily Collins). Alcohol played a big role in both of their lives. Bundy was executed and Liz Kendall (aka Elizabeth Kloepfer) got sober. It’s a great cast: John Malkovich is a scene stealer. Also featured are Haley Joel Osment, Dylan Baker, and Brian Geraghty.
When you’re an IV drug addict, you risk overdose, HIV, endocarditis and other infections, amputations, abscesses, and more. When I was stable on methadone and stopped using, these risks just disappeared.
Telling someone that you take methadone is a big deal. You’re not just telling them that you’re taking responsibility for your recovery and your health, you’re also telling them that in your pre-recovery life you probably stole, lied, and did some other terrible thing to support your addiction. You’re not just revealing you had an addiction, you’re saying that it got so bad that going to a clinic every morning to take medicine in front of someone is preferable to the life you were living.
I am not here to argue about whether MMT (methadone maintenance treatment) is the solution to the opioid crisis because it’s not for everyone. But for me, it was a chance to have a normal happy life. Here’s why:
1. It Gave Me Accountability
When you start off as a new patient at any methadone clinic, you have to come every day. You also have to submit to drug testing and therapy, both individual and group sessions. These are all requirements if you want that little cup with your medicine that keeps you from getting sick. As an active drug user, I would have done absolutely anything to keep from getting sick. Show up someplace between 5 and 10 a.m.? No problem! Let someone watch me pee in a cup? Sure thing!
I, like many people, started MMT as a way to keep myself from crippling heroin withdrawals. I wasn’t at all ready to get clean and stop using. But I had to make and keep appointments with the doctor at the clinic if I wanted to get more methadone, and I had to have bloodwork done if I wanted to keep being an active patient.
Slowly, after months of going to this clinic every day, the methadone built up in my body. My opioid receptors were full of methadone and the heroin that I was still putting in my body was no longer getting me high.
Once I passed my first few drug tests, I was allowed to take a bottle home with me for the next day, which motivated me to keep attending my therapy sessions and to go to work so that I could afford transportation to the clinic. When I was using, the only accountability I had was to my drug dealer. I never would have gotten checked for diseases or spoken with a mental health professional.
Without even realizing it, I was keeping commitments and getting the help that I desperately needed. Now, years after initially becoming a patient, I have other responsibilities like making sure my rent is paid and not forgetting that I need to renew my license plates next month. My priorities have shifted.
2. My Health Improved
I know that this one might sound like a contradiction to everything you think that you know about methadone. A lot of media still portrays people who go to methadone clinics as underweight, shaking, pale, and covered in track marks. This image accurately described me when I first started going, but over the years I’ve been able to change myself internally and externally. When I first started treatment, I was required to get bloodwork to check for the diseases that IV drug users expose themselves to. When I was injecting, I would occasionally get infections in my arms and sometimes end up in the hospital due to these or one of my many overdoses.
Almost instantly after getting on a therapeutic dose of methadone, I started to care about my body and what I was putting into it. I started taking vitamins and eating food other than what I could steal from a gas station. I felt stable enough to look towards the future and start doing what was required for me to have a long and happy life.
When you’re an IV drug addict, you risk overdose, HIV, endocarditis and other infections, amputations, abscesses, and more. When I was stable on methadone and stopped using, these risks just disappeared. I became lucid enough to take care of myself and to fix my body and the incredible damage that I had done to it. I’d had a terrible diet and had stopped caring about myself. Now, I take daily vitamins, get a flu shot, get an annual check up at an OBGYN, and try to eat healthy when I can. I also got extensive dental work to fix damage to my teeth from years of neglect.
3. I Became a Wife and Mother
This is a very specific and personal way that being on methadone has changed my life. In my addiction, I was in a toxic relationship that revolved around using together and endless dishonesty. We were together because it was easy. When I decided to stop getting high, he wasn’t ready to quit and the relationship ended abruptly. I met my husband shortly after and he took a chance on getting into a relationship with someone new in recovery. I wasn’t using anymore but I still had a lot of addict behaviors.
I navigated through this new relationship, trying to be honest with my new partner. I wasn’t familiar with honesty in the beginning and he was aware of this and very patient with me. I learned what kindness and love really were for the first time without drugs involved. We also learned early into our relationship that we were expecting a baby boy. I stayed clean throughout my pregnancy, took my methadone as prescribed, and discussed my fears and worries with my therapist at the clinic.
In two years, I went from living in a car, unable to feed myself, to a wife and mother. None of this would have had the chance to happen if I didn’t take the first step and start treatment.
4. I Have a Relationship with My Parents
It has taken years to earn back my parents’ trust. They’d stopped answering the phone when I called because I always asked for money. It became too painful for them to be an active part of my life. They were just waiting for that final phone call telling them they’d lost their daughter to her addiction.
When I first started going to the methadone clinic, they were skeptical; they knew very little about how the medication worked. Then, after about six months, the begging for money stopped and the tone of our conversations changed. I called just to talk about my day and for the first time I didn’t ask for anything. They noticed that my living situation had changed – I’d gone from living in a car to staying in a cheap motel, then finally I moved into an apartment. I was awake during the holidays and not spending a half hour at a time in the bathroom trying to shoot up. I was gaining weight and smiling again.
After I passed my first drug test, I wanted everything to go back to the way that it was before I started using. I had a hard time understanding why they didn’t trust me. Then I realized that it didn’t take a month for me to lose their trust, it was years of lies and heartbreak.
I am now able to look back and see the hurt that I caused and ask for their forgiveness. I am a mother now and I couldn’t imagine watching my sweet happy child deteriorate the way that I did. I am grateful for this real second chance to have them be proud of me. But I didn’t get clean for them, I had to do it for myself. The great relationship that I have with them now is just an extra benefit.
5. I Have Goals for My Future Self
During my addiction, the only goal I had was to come up with enough money to stay high that day. I felt like queen of the world if I was able to have enough heroin for two days. That was my life for years: After finding money and drugs, I would work on shelter and then maybe food.
Once I became stable on a therapeutic dose of methadone, I didn’t have to spend energy and time finding drugs because I wasn’t worried about withdrawal. I suddenly had all of this time to spend on making money and cleaning up all the messes I’d made.
My primary goal for the first few months I was clean was to make sure I got to the clinic on time. It might sound like kind of a sad existence but without my medicine, I wasn’t going to be able to function. I know the term “liquid handcuffs” is used a lot in reference to methadone treatment and I understand the frustration of having to go to the clinic every day. But if you are completing all the requirements of your clinic, you get to work up to going biweekly or even monthly. The program is designed to give you a normal life.
My next goal was to have a stable place to live and to be someone who others could count on. There were a ton of baby steps I had to take to get there and I was only able to do that initially because I started MMT. I did the rest of the work with my counselor, my church, and my husband.
It’s been three years since I started treatment and I’m in the middle of my third term in college and my husband and I are looking into buying our first home this fall. My next goal will be to get off methadone completely, but I will not rush this process.
I am so thankful that this form of treatment was available to me. Methadone should always be an option for those of us who have had a difficult time getting clean with other methods. There is still a huge stigma attached to MMT patients and clinics and I could say that another goal of mine is to help break that. It’s not a magical cure for opioid addiction, but it played a vital role in my recovery.
What are your thoughts on methadone maintenance treatment? Share with us in the comments.
I used to pray for a small enough car accident in which no one got hurt, but my car would need work and I’d get out of the office for a day.
No Addiction Is Ever as It Seems
I’ve heard people say “the problem is never the problem.” No addiction is ever as it seems. In terms of my drug and alcohol addictions, the problem was an inability to cope with the realities of life: The smell of springtime, the first fireflies of summer, all of Earth’s elements struck me with the desire to drink and use. If avoiding “people, places, and things” was going to work for me, I’d have had to relocate to a new, less intense planet.
Instead of avoiding life, I had to learn new skills to deal with it. I had to have new thoughts. I had to create new neural pathways that made my hand reach for my phone instead of a bottle. I learned to share openly and honestly about the way I felt instead of shoving my feelings down. The root of my drug and alcohol addictions was a fear of being open and vulnerable. By facing that fear, my need to drink and use dissipated. The problem was never the substances themselves.
Through this process, I learned that I had other problems, with their own underlying problems! I learned that I am also a sex and love addict. Orgasms were never the problem. Sleeping with a married man is ethically unsound, but really wasn’t it more on him than on me? He’s the one who’s married! Morally wrong or not, the weight of the disgust I had for my actions brought me to my knees once again, wherein I learned the real problem: intimacy.
After working on my intimacy issues, I uncovered another problem:
I was staying in a job that I hated, and it was making me miserable both in and out of the workplace.
When Your Job Negatively Affects Your Health
Most of us have seen Office Space. The truth in life is that most people have to work, except for a few kids with trust funds who never seem all the better for it. But what happens when our work is affecting us negatively? How do we confront this beast while keeping a roof over our heads?
Working itself is obviously not the problem. Working provides us with money for our homes, our families, our needs and hopefully some wants. Having a strong work ethic is a good thing. The name of the game at this level of recovery is self-worth, and not even so much in terms of money. Money comes and money goes, but how you value yourself, your time, your health, your emotions, and your priorities should remain constant.
Pay close attention to the way you feel when you wake up in the morning on a workday. Are you looking forward to it? I used to pray for a small enough car accident in which no one got hurt, but my car would need work and I’d get out of the office for a day. It’s so obvious to me now that that was another subtle form of insanity. I thought everyone felt that way. I thought the daily grind was supposed to make you miserable, because if it wasn’t miserable, how would you be able to commiserate with people, and if you couldn’t commiserate with people, what would you even talk about?
I had no idea that personal development, self-care, growth, fulfillment, and joy could be a part of a career path, or anything my friends would want to talk about. I realize now that constant complaints about hating work are boring, and banter about projects that light us up are a welcomed breath of fresh air.
If you are stuck in the wrong job, your inner dialogue probably sounds something like the following:
“I need this job. I’m not really good at anything. I’ve been here a while. I’m not qualified to do anything. I hate my boss, but where else am I going to go? Ugh, today sucks. I’m so over today. I bleeping hate this place.”
How to Change Your Life
If you want to make a change, you can, but it will require work, introspection, courage, faith, and, initially, some pain. The following steps got me out of a job I hated and onto a career path meant for me:
Meditate every morning. Listen to your inner monologue from the witness seat. Hear the sounds around you and feel your full feelings as they bubble up in your body.
Set an intention to check back into this quiet part of you three times during the workday. Set alarms on your phone to do it. Ask yourself, “Do I feel healthy? Does my body need anything? Am I happy?”
Write a letter to your boss. Don’t give it to them, but write it. Write all the things you’ve never said but always wanted to, and read it every night for one week.
Decide how you want to feel. For example, I wanted to feel respected, confident, creatively free, relaxed, and motivated. Decide how you want to feel and assess if your needs are met in your current workplace. (For help figuring out how you want to feel, I recommend The Desire Map by Danielle LaPorte)
Journal. After you’ve gotten used to morning meditation, add journaling afterward as part of your morning ritual.
Set a date—one that intuitively speaks to you, and on that day, write down what you really want. No limits, no judgment, no fear. Maybe you want to be able to work from home and raise a family. Maybe you want to be able to travel the world while you work. Maybe you want better health benefits and more beneficial perks. Whatever it is, get it down on paper.
Let go. Affirm that the Universe has heard you, that it is an active forcefield of energy and working on your behalf. Create a ritual to do this. If you pray, say it in prayer. Write it down and burn it. Write it down and stick it under your pillow. Speak it out loud to an understanding friend. Whatever resonates with you, do it.
Follow the clues. Signs will appear. You will be inspired to take actions that may seem crazy, weird, or out of your natural rhythm— you should probably take them anyway. I know you’ve heard that the magic happens outside of your comfort zone, and now is the time to get uncomfortable. For support in taking scary leaps of faith, I recommend reading The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, by Mark Manson.
Listen to “9 to 5” by Dolly Parton. Sing it in your car at the top of your lungs. Actually, forget that—sing it at karaoke. This one’s not just for fun—singing and dancing release your heart vibes into the world and create feel-good chemicals in your brain. Plus, at karaoke, you’ll be uncomfortable, confirming your commitment to 8. Go. Sing.
Continue following the clues and report back. Keep us posted. This process may take days, weeks, months, or years, but set it in motion now and see where you’re at in one year, five years, and ten years. Remember—the best time to plant a tree is twenty years ago. The second best time is now.
