“Rarely have we seen a person fail–” Not exactly. Join us as we ring in the season, 12-step style.
How it Works – Yuletide Edition
- Admitted we were powerless over the string of Christmas lights with three dead bulbs, mom’s green bean casserole and Aunt Barb’s warbling operatic rendition of O Holy Night.
- Came to believe that a power greater than us would deliver a brand new Toyota Tundra into the driveway in the morning.
- Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to Amazon Prime next day delivery because we forgot that Uncle Dan was flying in on the Red Eye with his 5 kids.
- Made a searching and fearless inventory of our childhood bedrooms looking for proof that the 80’s really did happen even though we can’t remember.
- Admitted to anyone within earshot that we baked weed into the brownies we brought for Christmas dinner two years before.
- Were entirely ready to remove all the defects of character in every person seated at the table; by force if necessary.
- Humbly asked dad to remove the shortcomings in our bank account with a big fat Christmas check.
- Made a list of all the relatives who were going to ask “why aren’t you drinking?” and became willing to tell them to fuck off.
- Made direct deposits into the accounts of every family member from whom we had stolen money in the past; except when to do so would leave us short on rent.
- Continued to take inventory and when we found our hidden stash of coke from 12 years ago, promptly flushed it down the toilet.
- Sought through chocolate and the Hallmark Channel to improve our overall Christmas spirit as we understand it.
- Having survived the family Christmas still sober, we rushed home to our cats and our Darjeeling tea before remembering the world’s favorite drinking holiday is just seven days away.