Author: The Fix

Should Big Pharma Cover The Costs Of The Opioid Crisis?

A new poll revealed that 70% of Americans believe drug companies should cover the cost of naloxone and addiction treatment.

More than half of Americans believe that drug companies should be held liable for their role in fueling the national opioid epidemic, according to a new poll by NPR and the global market research firm Ipsos.

Drug companies like Purdue Pharma (the maker of OxyContin), Johnson & Johnson and McKesson are facing more than 1,600 civil lawsuits filed by city, state and county officials across the United States.

These companies are accused of putting profits over public health—whether they aggressively marketed opioids without regard to the risk of addiction or failed to report unusually large amounts of opioids going to pharmacies.

The poll found that 1 in 3 Americans have been affected by the opioid epidemic. “One in three have been personally affected in some say, either by knowing someone who has overdosed or by knowing someone with an opioid addiction,” said Mallory Newall, lead Ipsos researcher on the survey.

And 57% of Americans believe that the drug companies should be held responsible for their role in exacerbating the drug crisis.

“It’s something, no matter your age, your gender, no matter where you live, your party affiliation, that people believe in large numbers,” said Newall.

Even more people than that—70%—said they believe the drug companies should cover the cost of naloxone, the opioid overdose-reversing drug, as well as addiction treatment.

On Tuesday (April 23), a drug distributor and two former executives were hit with drug-trafficking charges.

“This prosecution is the first of its kind: Executives of a pharmaceutical distributor and the distributor itself have been charged with drug trafficking—trafficking the same drugs that are fueling the opioid epidemic that is ravaging this country,” said U.S. Attorney Geoffrey Berman at a news conference.

Rochester Drug Cooperative, one of the 10 largest drug distributors in the U.S., allegedly ignored suspicious activity from pharmacy clients who ordered excessive amounts of opioids. According to the indictment, under the direction of former CEO Laurence Doud III, who retired in 2017, the company became “the knight in shining armor” for pharmacies that could not get business elsewhere.

Doud and other top Rochester executives “made the deliberate decision” to turn a blind eye to red flags or alert federal regulators that clients were ordering opioids to distribute for non-medical use, AP News reported.

Doud has surrendered to New York authorities and is awaiting arraignment on two counts of conspiracy related to drug trafficking. If convicted, Doud faces a mandatory minimum sentence of 10 years in prison.

View the original article at thefix.com

26 April 2019
Jack Osbourne Celebrates 16 Years Of Sobriety

The son of heavy metal legend Ozzy Osbourne took to Instagram to celebrate his sober milestone.

Jack Osbourne, son of legendary metal madman Ozzy Osbourne, and his sister Kelly, have been open about inheriting the struggle of addiction from the family genes. Now Jack has hit social media to celebrate 16 years of sobriety.

On his Instagram, Osbourne posted the image of an overcast blue sky, with the following stats:

Twelve Steps

You’ve been sober for: 16.00 Years, 192.00 Months, 5,845 Days, 140,263 Hours.

Osbourne, who also lives with MS, wrote, “By far this has not only the toughest year of my life, but also the toughest year of my recovery. I have learned so many things about myself. Some good, some not so good. But I continued to do it sober even in the face of legit pain and sadness.”

Osbourne went through a divorce from Lisa Stelly, his wife of seven years, had to adjust to raising three young girls as a single dad, and had to be there “for my family when they have needed support at the post.” (Papa Ozzy recently had a bout with pneumonia and has canceled all concert appearances for the year.)

Jack went to rehab at the age of 17 for an OxyContin addiction, and as he continued in his Instagram post, “If at 17 someone told me where I’d be at 33 with 16 years of continual sobriety, I would have laughed and told you to fuck off. Even though this last year of sobriety was filled with so much pain it all led to some fantastic personal growth.

“I would love to tell you I managed this by being some kind of spiritual giant who roams the halls of recovery meetings, but it’s not the cast,” Osbourne continues. “I’m here writing this today sober because of the friends in my life who showed up for me when I needed support the most. I will be grateful for all you did.”

Looking back on going in to rehab at 17, Osbourne told Blabbermouth, “I took myself out of the picture for a second and I looked around at every single person in the room, at who they were, how old they were and what they had going on in their lives. A lot of them were near 30, unemployed, living off their parents. They were heroin addicts, they were the world’s biggest couch potatoes. And it was like, ‘I don’t want to be like that. I don’t want my life to be controlled by a drug…I was really loaded and I just sat on my mom’s bed and said, ‘I am going to go pack my bags, I’m in, I’m ready to go. I want to go, I need to go.”

View the original article at thefix.com

26 April 2019
5 Unexpected Things That Happened When I Surrendered

Spiritual surrender is like letting out a breath I didn’t even know I was holding. My next relapse no longer feels like it’s coming for me. I made it out. I’m alive!

You are the sky. Everything else is just the weather.
-Pema Chodron

New Year’s Day, West Hollywood. I had three days sober off a brief marijuana relapse and was headed to an AA marathon. After parking, I realized I was out of juul pods so I went on a search, rectangling around the block on my way to the meeting hall, hoping to find a store.

When the first meeting ended, I panicked. Where did I park? I ran out, saw my car, took a picture, and ran back in.

Several hours later I discovered that the photo wasn’t of my car. I have a gray Prius in L.A., which is every third car. I scoured the neighborhood. A well-meaning valet tried to help and I yelled at him. Hours passed. It grew dark and cold, my phone now at 11%. I stopped to breathe. Big fear.

Voices and the tinkling of glass tumbled onto the street from a bar. The thought of drinking or using hadn’t occurred to me. And why would it? A glass of wine or a joint wouldn’t help me find my car.

Just at that moment, the heavens opened up and God reached down a golden hand through pearly gates and spoke.

That didn’t happen. But what did was pretty fucking rad.

I saw that every problem in life is exactly the same as losing your car.

I walked past the valet again and apologized. I knew that I had parked headfirst rather than parallel, near Robertson Boulevard.

He pointed. “You’ve got one more block like this.” I stood at an actual turning point.

I had been looking for my car on the wrong side of the street.

I found it 30 seconds later. That was the moment the course of my life changed forever.

These are some things that happened for me, and may happen for you when you cross the street of spiritual surrender.

1. I’ve stopped trying to get over on my addiction.

Am I allowed to drink kratom? Vape CBD? Take pills? A doctor will happily prescribe whatever I think I need. And aren’t magic mushrooms a spiritual experience? I spent years in fauxbriety. I spent an entire summer posted up in a Kava Kava bar while we all nodded out on kratom tea and talked about our favorite AA meetings. Note: I am not talking about anti-depressants, anti-psychotics, other psychiatric medication, non-narcotics in general, and supervised pain management after injury.

For the problems I have encountered in my own life thus far, holistic alternatives work better than anything big pharma wants to sell me. I never win. Addiction always wins. I was constantly sending myself the message that I wasn’t enough or okay just the way I was; I needed a drug that I considered not really a drug to fix it. Actually? I don’t.

2. I feel relieved. Like amazingly fucking relieved.

Spiritual surrender is like letting out a breath I didn’t even know I was holding. The shoulders go down the back, the face softens, and the respiratory system begins the great energetic exhale. It sounds like the ocean. My next relapse no longer feels like it’s coming for me. I made it out. I’m alive! There is hope. I don’t live in fear of what I may do to myself anymore.

3. I can let go of people and summon new ones.

I lived in a perpetual state of war. I believed that you were my problem and I saw boundaries as a personal attack. I clung to people who had limited love and empathy to give. I would give you more of my time, money, and energy than I could afford and blame you for it. I would let things build and build and build until I got blackout drunk and told you OFF.

I have been working on myself pretty hard since 2012, and haven’t done most of the things most of the time since 2016. But until I surrendered, I didn’t believe I could let go of people before the relationship blew up. I didn’t even know what I wanted; I would just sense what you wanted, then decide whether or not I would give it to you. We live in a sick society full of broken toddlers. Emotionally, I’m in elementary school now. I no longer need to punish myself with reflections of a past me. Every time I let someone go I make space for someone new. I can see that many people are simply lost in their own pain, and can’t see past themselves. I can have compassion, and empathy. From a distance.

4. I can be in a world of pain without bleeding on everyone.

As I grow older, traumas and patterns emerge, deeply embedded toxins and conditioning that wants to be felt and released. This week has been intense and painful. I felt attacked by the universe. In the past, when things like this happened, I panicked and made desperation phone calls to anyone who would listen. “I have to call in the troops,” I would say.

Today I am able to allow emotions to flow through me even if it feels wrong at first. I can put down the looping stories and let myself feel. I can make the connections from current triggers to past traumas, advocate for myself when necessary, get on stage and be funny even when my life feels like it’s been dropped on the floor. Before surrender, the only time I was accused of being professional was on Seeking Arrangements. And there are lessons in pain. There are always lessons for those who are brave enough to look.

5. I believe in myself enough to do the things I believe in.

I am practicing Ashtanga yoga again, something I’ve been talking about for years. I’ve given up meat and most dairy. I believe that pigs enjoy warm baths just like I do, maybe more because they aren’t thinking about how many people downloaded their podcast. Also please download my podcast: Comics Book Club’s: Drunk & High on Petfinder.com with Amber Tozer. I pray, I meditate, I have cut down caffeine and have a plan to get off nicotine. I completed my first pilot script, waking up at five a.m. to write and rewrite so I’d be finished in time for a fellowship deadline.

I used to hate myself so much I could rarely let myself enjoy anything, most of all my very favorite things. Now I am ready to do what I came here to do, with enough wild stories to last the rest of this life and a different sort of story to write into the fabric of my future.

I’ve got my head just enough out of my own butt to see the world beyond myself. There is so much out there! Awakening is very exciting, and it feels. Oh, does it feel.

I wish the same for you: May you be happy, may you be free, may you be at peace, may you be loved. May you believe in yourself. May you find a way to be ready to do what you came here to do. We are all worthy of that.

Please feel free to share your stories of self-love, surrender, spiritual awakening, personal redemption, and your trolling (if you need to) in the comments.

View the original article at thefix.com

26 April 2019
1 in 12 Americans Have Alcohol Use Disorder

Seven times more Americans deal with alcohol use disorder than opioid use disorder.

The opioid crisis fills our newsfeeds day after day, but at the same time Americans are grappling with the addictive nature of another, totally legal substance: alcohol.

According to the National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence, 17.6 million Americans—1 in 12—have alcohol use disorder. Despite its prevalence, few people realize how widespread alcoholism is. In addition to people with alcohol use disorder, even more Americans report problematic drinking habits.

“Varying degrees exist, from mild to severe, depending on the number of symptoms a person experiences. But a powerful craving for alcohol, despite its consequences, is common across that spectrum,” Linda Searing wrote for The Washington Post.

This means that 7 times more Americans deal with alcohol use disorder than deal with opioid use disorder, according to Pew Charitable Trusts.

In addition, more people are dying from alcohol-related causes: 88,000 Americans perish each year from alcohol-related causes, compared with 72,000 who die from opioid overdoses (although opioid overdose rate is likely underreported, research has shown). That makes alcohol use the third-leading lifestyle-related cause of death in the United States.

Like opioid addiction, alcoholism is also increasing. Last November, USA Today reported that between 2007 and 2017 the death rate from alcohol increased 24%. Among women, the death rate increased a staggering 85%.

“The story is that no one has noticed this,” said Max Griswold, who compiled data on the trend for the Institute for Health Metrics and Evaluation at the University of Washington. “It hasn’t really been researched before.”

Psychologist Benjamin Miller said that because alcohol is legal and socially accepted, people aren’t as wary of its dangers.

“Culturally, we’ve made it acceptable to drink but not to go out and shoot up heroin,” Miller said. “A lot of people will read this and say ‘What’s the problem?’”

In addition to alcohol’s health effects, abusing alcohol can also have secondary effects on loved ones living with or around people with alcohol use disorder.

The National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence estimates that half of American adults have a close loved one with alcohol use disorder, while 10% of children live with at least one parent who is an alcoholic.

“Parental alcohol use disorders put children at greater risk of experiencing abuse or neglect and developing mood disorders,” Pew Trusts writes.

View the original article at thefix.com

26 April 2019
Huge Cannabis Industry Deal Suggests Federal Legalization Could Be Close

Rumors of federal cannabis legalization have been brewing ever since key anti-cannabis leaders have left the White House.

A multi-billion dollar deal between two big cannabis companies could signal that the end of prohibition is near, according to an article in Forbes.

Canopy Growth, the biggest cannabis company in the world, recently signed a $3.4 billion agreement to acquire the well-known U.S. medical marijuana firm Acreage Holdings.

However, this deal will not go into effect until after cannabis becomes federally legal in the country.

Industry experts are now speculating that such a big deal between cannabis companies that are powerful enough to have lobbyists in Washington, D.C. could mean that there is a yet-unannounced plan to legalize the drug soon—perhaps even within the year.

“Our right to acquire Acreage secures our entrance strategy into the United States as soon as a federally-permissible pathway exists,” reads the Canopy Growth press release on the merger.

Mike Adams of Forbes and Cannabis Now notes that the company that makes Corona beer owns 37% of Canopy Growth’s equity and has been working with them to make THC-infused beverages in Canada. It looks like “Big Alcohol is becoming Big Cannabis,” Adams writes.

Rumors of imminent federal cannabis legalization have been brewing ever since shakeups in the White House have removed some key anti-cannabis leaders and replaced them with individuals with a more accepting view on the drug, which remains in the federal Schedule I classification alongside heroin.

In November 2018, former House Rules Committee chairman Pete Sessions lost his bid for re-election. Sessions was known for blocking any pro-cannabis legislation that came up, which he could do in his position as chairman. With him gone, as well as former U.S. Attorney General Jeff Sessions, there is now a clear path for legalization.

“This is the first Congress in history where, going into it, it seems that broad marijuana reforms are actually achievable,” said Tom Angell of Marijuana Moment early this year.

At the same time, in February the World Health Organization (WHO) called on the UN to reclassify cannabis to recognize the substance’s medical applications. Like in the U.S., the UN still has cannabis under its most tightly regulated classification and considers it to be “particularly dangerous.” WHO argued in their report that the current classification has fallen behind modern research.

“The World Health Organization has proposed rescheduling cannabis within international law to take account of the growing evidence for medical applications of the drug, reversing its position held for the past 60 years that cannabis should not be used in legitimate medical practice,” the report reads.

View the original article at thefix.com

25 April 2019
Jails Struggle With Being The Nation’s Primary Detox, Treatment Centers

One Massachusetts sheriff estimates that 80 to 90% of the prisoners in his jail have a substance use disorder.

By some estimates up to two-thirds of prisoners in county jails around the country have some sort of substance use disorder, which has made jails the nation’s primary detox and treatment centers, a role they are often ill-equipped for.

“It was never traditionally the function of jail to be a treatment provider, nor to be the primary provider of detoxification in the country — which is what they have become, so with the opioid epidemic, jails are scrambling to catch up,” Andrew Klein, a research scientist with Advocates for Human Potential, a company that works with jails to facilitate treatment, told NPR.

Peter Koutoujian, sheriff of Middlesex County, Massachusetts, says that jails have become a catch-all system for people who fall through the cracks.

“We have not been able to get our hands around it because, quite honestly, society has not gotten its hand around either preventing [drug-addicted] people from coming into our institutions or supporting them once they get back outside,” he said. “The fact is you shouldn’t have to come to jail to get good [treatment] programming. You should be able to get that in your own community so you don’t have to have your life disrupted by becoming incarcerated.”

And yet Koutoujian estimates that 80-90 percent of prisoners in his jail have a substance use disorder.

Increasingly, jails are stepping up to try to figure out how to help people get treatment while they are locked up. The National Sheriff’s Association recently put out guidelines for delivering medication-assisted treatment in jails. Still, many law enforcement officials are wary of using medication-assisted treatment, the established best practice for treating opioid addiction, because the medications can be diverted or abused in the jail. Only about 12 percent of jails offer MAT, but that is good progress, Klein said.

“Although this number is not the majority of jails, five years ago it was zero. And the number is increasing every week,” he said.

In order to save lives, jails need to consider not only keeping people sober when they’re inside, but also how to help them stay sober once they’re released, said Carlos Morales the director of correctional health services for California’s San Mateo County.

“We know if you are an opiate user you come in here, you detox, and you go out — it’s a 40 percent chance of OD-ing,” he said. “And we have the potential to do something about it.”

However, Koutoujian said that MAT alone is not the answer.

“Medication-assisted treatment is very important but people have to remember if you do the medication without the treatment portion — the counseling and the supports — it will fail. And we will just fall prey to another easy solution that just simply does not work.”

View the original article at thefix.com

25 April 2019
Harm Reduction Advocate Who Lost Son To Overdose Joins Drug Policy Alliance

In her new role, Joy Fishman is working on behalf of the legacy of both her husband, who invented naloxone, and her son.

Her husband invented naloxone. But that wasn’t enough to save her son from a fatal opioid overdose. Now, Joy Fishman channels her grief through advocacy for harm reduction policies toward drug use.

To further her important work—including expanding syringe access programs in Florida—Fishman has joined the Drug Policy Alliance as its newest board member.

The drug policy organization announced in early April that Fishman will be joining its Board of Directors.

Her late husband, Jack Fishman, was the first to synthesize naloxone in 1961. In 1971, the drug was approved by the FDA. But Fishman never profited from the enormous potential of the opioid antagonist. He let the original patent expire and did not reapply for one, allowing Big Pharma to get a hold of it.

Demand for the lifesaving medication significantly expanded over the last decade as the opioid epidemic’s death toll increased. Through the advocacy of organizations like the Drug Policy Alliance, naloxone has become a household name.

Last April, U.S. Surgeon General Jerome Adams urged more people to carry naloxone so they may be equipped to save a life. “Each day we lose 115 Americans to an opioid overdose—that’s one person every 12.5 minutes,” said Adams. “It is time to make sure more people have access to this lifesaving medication, because 77% of opioid overdose deaths occur outside of a medical setting and more than half occur at home.”

In 2003, it wasn’t as easy to access naloxone. That year, Joy’s son Jonathan died from a heroin overdose. “It never even occurred to us that naloxone could save Jonathan,” Joy said to the Huffington Post in 2014. “Back then we didn’t think of naloxone as a household item. Doctors weren’t writing take-home prescriptions for it. It was hard for Jack to get naloxone even though he invented it!”

Jack Fishman regretted that he couldn’t prevent the death of his stepson. “One of Jack’s greatest sadnesses was that he couldn’t save my brother,” said Julie Stampler, Jonathan’s sister. “Jack had invented naloxone so many years ago that he had no connection to it anymore.”

With her new role at the Drug Policy Alliance, Fishman is working on behalf of the legacy of both her husband and her son. Expanding access to naloxone is just one of her goals.

At the 2017 International Drug Policy Reform Conference, Fishman accepted the Norman E. Zinberg Award for Achievement in the Field of Medicine on behalf of her husband.

“I don’t want any more mothers to experience the same pain I have,” she said. “I’m not a fearless person, but I have drawn strength from the Drug Policy Alliance and their work. I feel such immense gratitude to be able to collaborate with them to honor the life of my son and to fulfill the promise of my husband’s work.”

View the original article at thefix.com

25 April 2019
Arnold Schwarzenegger Told Son To Skip Pot, Get High On Life

Arnold’s son Patrick took to Instagram to reveal a conversation with his dad that led him to stop smoking marijuana.

Movie star and former governor Arnold Schwarzenegger terminated his son’s pot habit with some well-timed fatherly advice.

Four years ago Arnold Schwarzenegger told his son Patrick, now 25, to skip the weed and get “high on life” after Patrick showed up to Easter brunch stoned.

Patrick shared the story on Instagram this weekend, which fell on both Easter and 4/20.

“FUN STORY: Few years ago (4 exactly) showed up lil high to Easter brunch… classic. My old man asked why… said ‘I dunno makes thing more fun.’”

Arnold wasn’t convinced and told his son he shouldn’t need drugs to appreciate life.

“He replied how much more fun do you need to have, life is so good. I’m high on life. I never want anything that would take me out of my current life. Being high on life is better then [sic] anything else,” Patrick recalled in his Instagram post.

The off-handed conversation had a lasting effect on Patrick, who is following in his dad’s footsteps and working as an actor and model.

“Haven’t smoked since then… just HIGH ON LIFE NOW,” he wrote. “Happy & healthy & can’t thank god enough to see another day!” he wrote alongside a smiling selfie of him flashing a peace sign. “Happy 4/20 sorry if that was a buzz kill lol.”

Schwarzenegger was serious about smoking pot when it came to his family, but as governor of California was relatively pot-friendly.

When he was governor he downgraded the penalty for possessing pot, long before recreational cannabis use became legal in the state. However, at the time he wasn’t ready to speak out in favor of legalization.

“Well, I think it’s not time for that, but I think it’s time for a debate,” he said in 2009, according to the Guardian. “I think all of those ideas of creating extra revenues [are worth considering]… I think we ought to study very carefully what other countries are doing that have legalized marijuana and other drugs. What effect did it have on those countries?”

During Schwarzenegger’s bodybuilder years he appeared in a documentary taking a hit of marijuana.

He also joked about sharing a joint with Obama back in the 1970s, something that never actually happened. However, Schwarzenegger made an elaborate sketch about how the then-president wouldn’t share.

View the original article at thefix.com

25 April 2019
Trump On Opioid Epidemic: We're Making Tremendous Progress

Trump discussed the opioid epidemic and addiction treatment funding during the Rx Drug Abuse & Heroin Summit.

This week, the Rx Drug Abuse & Heroin Summit convened in Atlanta, Georgia. The annual summit (April 22-25) is attended by everyone who has a stake in the national drug crisis—people from the mental health field, law enforcement, health care, government, research and people in recovery.

Among this year’s speakers are James Carroll, the director of the Office of National Drug Control Policy, and Dr. Nora Volkow, director of the National Institute on Drug Abuse. President Barack Obama and Patrick Kennedy have also attended the conference in years past.

On the third day of the summit (April 24), Donald Trump and First Lady Melania came to address the summit.

“Everyone here today is united by the same vital goal—to liberate our fellow Americans from the grip of drug addiction and to end the opioid crisis once and for all. It’s happening. It’s happening,” said Trump.

The president outlined his administration’s efforts to mitigate the crisis thus far.

“My administration is deploying every resource at our disposal to empower you, to support you and fight right by your side, and that’s what we’re doing,” he said.

Trump cited the unprecedented amount of funding dedicated to fighting the opioid crisis under his administration—including a two-year plan to use $6 billion to fight opioid abuse—and didn’t hesitate to take credit for making “a tremendous amount of progress” in pushing back the deadly epidemic.

“We have results that are unbelievable. Numbers that I heard, two weeks ago, that I was shocked to hear. We’re making tremendous progress,” he said.

Naturally, the border wall was a highlight of Trump’s anti-drug plan. The president claimed that 90% of heroin is coming through the southern border, and said that construction is “probably ahead of schedule” on building “almost 400 miles of wall built by the end of next year.” The barrier will have a “tremendous impact on drugs coming into our country,” Trump promised. “You’re going to see some very, very big differences in the coming months.”

Another feature of his plan to mitigate the painful effects of drug abuse across the U.S. was negotiating “a very big trade deal” with China—where “almost all fentanyl” comes from, according to the president—to prevent the synthetic opioid from being shipped to the U.S.

In October 2017, Trump declared that the opioid crisis was a public health emergency.

While he has brought attention to the national opioid crisis, critics aren’t convinced that the government’s anti-drug efforts have actually made a dent.

View the original article at thefix.com

25 April 2019
Stopping Psych Meds as a Form of Self-Sabotage

It’s impossible to explain to someone who’s never had suicidal thoughts what it feels like to be in a space where the only option you think you have to end your suffering is death.

“See…it’s not that bad.” My friend was responding to a text with an image of the Alamo in San Antonio, Texas. It was the first road trip my husband and I took after moving to Houston. My friend was right, the Alamo wasn’t bad; but having to move back to the States after living in the UK for three years sucked. In all fairness, we were given a choice, and I was the one who pushed for Houston over New York. I wasn’t ready to return to the crowds and chaos of Manhattan, and due to the nature of my husband’s work, Houston made logistical sense.

“We’ll only be there for a year,” my husband assured me on our last night in London. “It’ll go by so fast.” I wanted to believe him, but I wasn’t ready to.

Taking a “Break” from Psychiatric Medication

There’s much planning and reflecting involved in making a big move and my biggest concern was managing my anxiety and depression medication. Not only did I need to make sure I had enough to last me a few months once I got back to the States, but I also needed to sort out insurance and find a new doctor.

But I kept avoiding these tasks.

Once we were settled in Houston, every time I thought about the process of meeting a new doctor and running down the lengthy list of addicts and alcoholics in my family, describing my abusive childhood and my almost successful suicide attempt while remembering all of the medications I’d tried in vain, my brain flatlined. What I needed to do to ensure my mental health suddenly felt impossible. Instead of asking for help, which felt like a herculean task, I assuaged my anxiety by deciding to let my prescriptions run out. Besides, after five years on medication, my body could use a break, and despite clear evidence to the contrary, I felt stable enough to handle any anxiety or depression that could pop up in the future. However, at the time I neglected to give any credit to the role my medication played in supporting my relative calm and stability.

As the months passed in Houston, I started to notice subtle dips in my mood, but each time I’d dismiss it as being part of my monthly PMS package or something that could easily be fixed with a long walk or a quick afternoon nap. But about six months in, I found it exhausting to even think about putting on my sneakers. My occasional mood swings turned into full on sobbing sessions and instead of experiencing PMS one or two weeks every month, it slowly became four and then five until I lost track of when my last cycle ended and the new one began.

Depression, Anxiety, and Suicidal Ideation

My deepening depression wasn’t the only issue. One sunny Saturday afternoon, my husband and I took a road trip to Austin. As I was driving us home, I became increasingly anxious. The roads were dark, I couldn’t see beyond the headlights, and my mind began to spin. Mid-panic attack, my husband convinced me to pull over so he could take the wheel. I was so angry at myself for not being able to handle something as simple and routine as driving.

The more I struggled, the more I believed there was just something wrong with me and as a result, my medication or lack thereof never came to mind. I’d spiraled so quickly down a black hole that it didn’t even occur to me to ask for help, although it was becoming undeniably clear that I desperately needed it.

It’s impossible to explain to someone who’s never had suicidal thoughts what it feels like to be in a space where the only option you think you have to end your suffering is death. There’s no way to put into words the void that enters your mind when you no longer feel the pain, but it continues to seep into every second of your life. And there’s no making sense of the relief you quietly experience when death, something you may have once feared, suddenly becomes your very own golden ticket. Sadly, during the year I lived in Houston, off medication, I reached this low.

Finally, my husband sat me down and gently asked if I’d stopped taking my meds. At that moment I surrendered. In a freak moment of clarity, I knew what I had to do – I needed to find a doctor. We were getting ready to move back to New York in a few weeks, but before I left Houston, I got on the phone and scheduled an appointment.

Why Did I Stop Taking My Meds?

At our first meeting, I jumped through all of the usual hoops, getting my new doctor up to speed on my background and mental health history. I dove into the details about my alcoholic mother and father, the physical, sexual, and emotional abuse I sustained as a kid and was completely honest about the suicidal thoughts that had been roaring inside my head. And of course, I told her I’d stopped taking my medication.

“When did you decide to stop taking your meds?” the doctor asked.

I answered hesitantly, “um…about a year ago.” I was embarrassed by the choice I’d made, and I kept my fingers crossed that she wouldn’t ask me why.

“Why?” she asked.

“Honestly I don’t really know,” I told her. “I had insurance…I had everything I needed to find a doctor here in the States. I just didn’t do it.”

“So, when you needed your medication the most, you stopped taking it?” she gently asked.

“I don’t understand.”

“You sabotaged yourself, Dawn,” she explained, leaning back in her chair. “As I understand it, living in Houston was rough for you, and you stopped using the one tool you had to help yourself get through it,” she said. “It’s self-sabotage.”

Self-Care

I’ve been back on my meds for two years now, and while I still occasionally get snagged with depression or get overly anxious about a work deadline, for the most part my life has become manageable again. I added therapy back into my mental health regimen about a year ago, and that too has helped tremendously.

Now, without hesitation, I give my meds the credit they deserve. As it turns out, they’ve done more than balance out the chemicals swirling around in my head; in their absence I eventually discovered one of the many tricks I use to get in my own way, especially when I appear to be making progress. Today, taking medication isn’t something I have to do, it’s something I choose to do because I know it’s right for me. Instead of self-sabotage, I choose self-care, health, and stability.

View the original article at thefix.com

25 April 2019