Author: The Fix

French Montana Says He Could Have Saved Mac Miller From Addiction

“If I was around him a couple more nights, I would have made him stop … but he didn’t have nobody that was doing that.”

Hip hop artist French Montana said that he could have stopped rapper Mac Miller’s overdose death by talking to his friend about the way that his drug use was getting out of control.

Speaking on BET’s Raq Rants, Montana said that Miller “was doing the same thing every other artist was doing out there.”

He suggested that if Miller had someone to give him a reality check — or some tough love — the outcome might have been different.

“If you’ve seen the video that me and him did, I’m like, ‘Yo, bro, you’re overdoing it.’ But that was him way before,” he said. “Sometimes if people don’t have people that keep them grounded, it can go left. I just feel like they let him get away with whatever he chooses to do.”

Montana went so far as to say that he could have stopped Miller from abusing drugs and alcohol.

“I feel like I have people that, if I do something like that, how I was to him like a big brother, like, ‘Bro, you’re bugging out.’ … He ain’t have that around him,” Montana said. “Because if I did it that night, if I was around him a couple more nights, I would have made him stop … but he didn’t have nobody that was doing that.”

While Montana might want to believe that he could have helped his friend, anyone with up close experience with addiction knows that facilitating recovery isn’t as easy as just telling someone to snap out of it.

“Substances are incredibly powerful and rewarding,” Kevin Gilliland, a clinical psychologist and executive director of Innovation360 Dallas, told Yahoo Lifestyle. “It’s not as simple as someone saying, ‘You need to stop.’”

Gilliland said that Montana is hinting at some important ways to help people who are dealing with addiction — including keeping them grounded.

“That is often a hugely important piece of helping someone fight addiction, it doesn’t always work,” Gilliland said. “One of the most powerful things I’ve seen for someone getting help for an addiction is having meaningful, significant relationships.”

Talking to someone about their substance abuse and letting them know that you are concerned is a good idea, he added. However, friends and family members have to realize that this doesn’t always work, and that it could make their loved one angry.

“They will get angry and defensive, but you have to talk to them,” Gilliland said.

View the original article at thefix.com

9 November 2018
Anti-Marijuana Attorney General Jeff Sessions Resigns

“Our hope is the next attorney general will recognize that it is not politically popular to escalate the war on drugs,” said one drug reform advocate.

Jeff Sessions is out as U.S. Attorney General.

The former U.S. Senator from Alabama resigned on Wednesday (Nov. 7), a day after the midterm elections.

“At your request I am submitting my resignation,” Sessions wrote in a letter to the White House. His chief of staff, Matthew Whitaker, will serve as acting attorney general until a permanent replacement is found.

Sessions’ departure from the Department of Justice is cause for celebration for advocates of drug policy reform.

“He’s been an absolute disgrace on drug policy. We would welcome any attorney general whose policy ideas would move beyond the 1980s,” said Michael Collins, interim director of national affairs at the Drug Policy Alliance.

The 71-year-old former Alabama senator’s opinion of marijuana in particular is perhaps best illustrated by this statement he made during a 2016 Senate hearing: “Good people don’t smoke marijuana.”

He also said in February 2017, “I don’t think America is going to be a better place when people of all ages, and particularly young people, are smoking pot. I believe it’s an unhealthy practice, and current levels of THC in marijuana are very high compared to what they were a few years ago, and we’re seeing real violence around that.”

Last year, he took aim at sentencing reform, telling federal prosecutors to stop seeking leniency for low-level drug offenders and start seeking the toughest penalties possible, as NBC News reported at the time.

And in January, Sessions reversed an Obama-era policy—the 2013 Cole memo—that prioritized marijuana cases that presented a safety threat (involving minors, organized crime, etc.) but otherwise left alone U.S. states that have approved marijuana in some capacity. In his own memo, the attorney general called it a “return to the rule of law.”

But despite Sessions’ anti-marijuana stance, on Tuesday, Michigan became the 10th state to legalize cannabis for adult use, and two others—Utah and Missouri—approved medical marijuana.

Marijuana policy reform has been winning with each election, and appears more popular than ever.

“Our hope is the next attorney general will recognize that it is not politically popular to escalate the war on drugs,” said Collins of the Drug Policy Alliance.

View the original article at thefix.com

9 November 2018
4 Important Reasons to "Keep Coming Back" to AA, Even When We Don't Need To

Don’t underestimate just how powerful your presence at a 12-step meeting can be for another person’s recovery.

More than I care to admit, my usual 12-step meeting times will pop up on my calendar and I’ll think to myself, “Can I get away with skipping this one?”

A lot of folks in the rooms will tell you that you shouldn’t skip meetings because relapse happens when we get lax in recovery. You get out of recovery what you invest into it, and the practice of consistently showing up makes your program stronger.

I don’t disagree with that. But even so, when I’m having a good day, going to a meeting sounds like a drag — and one meeting, I figure, is not going to make or break my sobriety.

Besides, I’ve earned a break, haven’t I?

There are four simple words that snap me back into reality, though: It’s not about you.

Put another way, we show up to these meetings because we’re building a community of support. But when we feel the temptation to not show up, it’s easy to forget the bigger picture.

So why go to that meeting, even when your recovery doesn’t depend on it? It’s pretty simple: recovery is about so much more than not picking up a drink. The next time you’re thinking about missing out on a meeting, consider these four reasons why showing up still matters.

1. Someone might need your presence or your story.

You might be the one familiar face in the room that reminds someone that they’re in the right place. Something that you share might be exactly what someone else needs to hear. You never know what your presence is bringing to the table — and how valuable it might be to someone else.

When I finally went back to AA after two years of relapses and denial, I can’t express just how comforting it was to see people I could remember. They were still there (and amazingly, still sober) and genuinely happy to see me again.

Their presence was a reminder that AA wasn’t just a gathering place for sad drunks — it was a community. It was a place where warmth, compassion, and laughter could always be found. At times, it was really the only place where I could laugh.

Many of us arrive at our first meetings unsure of what we’ll find and afraid to speak up. And often times it was hearing “our story” — seeing ourselves and our struggles in someone else’s share — that gave us the strength to keep coming back and truly commit to our recovery.

Despite numerous therapists, social workers, and loved ones urging me to get help, the only thing that pulled me from my deep state of denial was listening to other alcoholics. As one old-timer explained to me, “This fellowship is the only mirror in which I can see myself clearly.”

To this day, I can remember those people’s stories, even if they never noticed me hiding in the back of the room. They may have spoken casually without any thought of reaching anyone, but their words had an unforgettable impact on me.

Tonight, someone might show up to the rooms, not sure if they belong or if they want to stay. Your smile, your energy, or your words could be the anchor that grounds them. Don’t underestimate just how powerful your presence can be for another person’s recovery.

2. 12-step meetings can only thrive if everyone commits to showing up.

Think about it: if we only showed up when we were feeling terrible, what would meetings look like, exactly? They’d be pretty dismal places. There’d be experiences to share — but where would the strength and hope come from?

On chip nights, when I saw members getting their chips for five, ten, even twenty years, I used to wonder why they bothered to show up. “Do they really think they’re going to slip up at this point?” It’s true, they might, but when I listened to the responsibility statement, I realized that it wasn’t just for them. They showed up for the fellowship, and for the alcoholic who still suffers. Their presence was an act of gratitude.

Members who show up consistently, even and especially when they don’t “need” to, are the heart and soul of 12-step meetings. The program only truly works when people are willing to build a lasting community together.

AA isn’t just the couch you crash on when you’re down on your luck; these rooms represent a safe haven that should always be there, and will be — as long as we keep coming back.

3. Sobriety is an ongoing practice — not a destination.

I’ve often joked that alcoholism is a form of amnesia, but there’s some truth to that, too. Without a consistent practice — in which we repeatedly confront, accept, and reflect on our condition, while building up the coping skills needed to manage our lives — it’s all too easy to return to our old ways.

I don’t know about you, but my old ways weren’t exactly charming.

I could be resentful, self-centered, and impulsive. Like many alcoholics, I’ve fooled myself into thinking I had more power over situations than I actually did. I’ve been the bull in the china shop, barreling my way through life. I much prefer the acceptance, grace, and warmth that I work hard to embody today.

Left to my own devices, though? I fall out of the routine that helps me sustain my recovery and keeps me accountable. The resentments start to pile up. My stubbornness comes to the surface. My sense of gratitude diminishes.

Sobriety is not a point at which you arrive. Personal growth is a direction we move in — not a finish line we cross. Think of a fellowship, then, as your compass, helping to direct that growth.

Sobriety is a practice, and when we regularly attend meetings, we flex the muscles needed to strengthen and maintain our coping skills. The more we flex those muscles, the more intuitive those skills become. And as the Ninth Step Promises state, we “intuitively know how to deal with situations that used to baffle us.”

Developing that intuition means reinforcing it, and meetings are a consistent and reliable way of doing this, with a community that supports you unconditionally through that process.

4. Joy is an incredible contribution.

I’m an optimist and an extrovert by nature. When I first started attending meetings, I very seriously wondered if my personality would be “too much” for a space like AA. Was I too happy? Would my upbeat nature be grating in such an emotionally-vulnerable space?

But each time I shared my experiences, there was a chorus of gratitude that followed — the energy that I brought to the rooms was appreciated and seen. That’s when I finally understood something: authentic joy is an amazing gift to bring to my community.

So when I’m especially happy on any given day? I make an extra effort to show up to meetings. I let my smile signal to others that there is joy in sobriety. I let my laugh remind newcomers that there are better days ahead.

And I let my excitement and enthusiasm lift up those around me, especially those who might be wondering if there is a place for them in AA. When I show up authentically, it allows others to do the same. It makes those rooms a more welcoming place.

I may not feel motivated on a given day to show up to a meeting. But when I can’t show up for myself, I do it for my community.

And inevitably, when I do, my joy only seems to multiply. It seems that — at least in 12-step programs — what you give to others always comes back to you in spades.

View the original article at thefix.com

9 November 2018
Medical Marijuana Participation Drastically Drops In Oregon

Experts have a number of theories as to why the state’s medical marijuana program has experienced a 40% drop in participation.

The number of people participating in the medical marijuana program in Oregon has dropped by about 40% this year, as more people opt to get their cannabis from recreational outlets rather than navigate the complex medical marijuana system.

“Marijuana is legal in Oregon,” Oregon Health Authority spokesman Jonathan Modie told the Sun Herald. “You don’t need a medical card. We’re not surprised we’ve seen a drop.”

Medical marijuana patients don’t need to pay the same taxes as recreational users, who are taxed at about 20%. However, medical patients need to pay a $200 annual registration fee to renew their license and are subject to tight restrictions.

Diana Calvert of River City Retail marijuana dispensary says she repeatedly heard from customers who have left the medical marijuana system.

“They say, ‘I let my medical card expire. It’s too expensive to renew. I’ll just pay the taxes.’”

At the same time, growers are opting to switch to recreational sales rather than learning a complex new tracking system that the state requires for medical sales or exchanges.

“I think a lot of people say, ‘Let’s cut my overhead and go to the rec side,’” Republican State Rep. Carl Wilson said.

The changes could reflect that some people on the medical marijuana program were just trying to access the drug legally, said Rob Bovett, legal counsel for the Association of Oregon Counties.

“Those that were getting an [medical marijuana] card as a ruse to get marijuana for recreational purposes … no longer need to continue the ruse after we legalized recreational marijuana,” he said.

The medical system in Oregon was legalized in 1998, and allows registered participants to grow their own cannabis or obtain it from someone who grows it for them.

However, a new tracking system has made exchanging marijuana on the medical market more complex, so that many people who previously grew cannabis for medical patients have stopped doing so.

“Many patients are just unable to find a grower to supply them. Previously I think it was relatively easy for a patient who didn’t know anyone, in relatively short order, to find a grower to provide free or low-cost cannabis,” said Cedar Grey, a grower and member of the Oregon Cannabis Commission, a state advisory body. “With the changes they’ve made [to the medical marijuana program], it’s much more difficult to care for other patients. Therefore, the number of growers willing to do that has dropped significantly.”

Recreational use of marijuana was legalized in 2014, allowing people to grow their own plants or obtain cannabis from licensed growers and dispensaries.

Despite the fact that it’s arguably easier than ever to obtain pot, Pete Gendron, president of the Oregon SunGrowers Guild, an association of growers, said that the breakdown of the medical market could affect low income people particularly hard.

“They don’t have the money to go to the corner dispensary,” he said.

View the original article at thefix.com

9 November 2018
Can Tetris Help Alleviate Anxiety?

Researchers explored whether the classic game could have positive effects on those battling anxiety.

Could an old-school video game help ease your anxiety? New research points to yes.

According to NPR, Kate Sweeny, a psychologist at the University of California, Riverside, conducted research into whether the game Tetris can have positive effects for those struggling with anxiety.

The premise of the game is to rotate and adjust moving tiles so they fit into a flat line at the bottom of the screen.

“Years of my life were lost disappearing into a game of Tetris on my Nintendo system,” Sweeny told NPR.

The game, according to Sweeny, can help ease anxiety by allowing players to enter a state psychologists call “flow.”

“The state of flow is one where you’re completely absorbed or engaged in some kind of activity,” Sweeny told NPR. “You lose your self-awareness, and time is just flying by.”

In conducting the study, Sweeny’s team focused on people who were waiting for “uncertain, potentially life-altering news” with the idea that playing Tetris could help their minds focus elsewhere for a period of time.

Specifically, they took a group of 300 college students and told them their peers would be rating how attractive they were.

“I know, it’s kind of cruel, but we found it’s a really effective way to get people stressed out,” Sweeny told NPR.

While the students were waiting for the results, they were instructed to play Tetris. There were three levels of difficulty assigned to different students: one slow, easy and boring; one fast, challenging and frustrating; and one classic version, meaning the game is adjusted based on the player’s ability.

While players still reported varying degrees of worry, the group that played the classic version reported slightly increased levels of positive emotions and slightly decreased levels of negative ones.

“It wasn’t a huge difference, but we think it’s noticeable,” Sweeny told NPR. “And over time, it can add up.”

Games aren’t the only way to reach a state of flow, according to Elizabeth Dunn, a psychologist at the University of British Columbia who studies happiness.

“Think of the activity that grabs your attention and doesn’t let it go,” Dunn told NPR. “For me, it’s mountain biking.”

While Dunn was not involved in the research, she says the results were not surprising.

“I can’t say I found this study particularly surprising at all,” she told NPR. “Mostly because, based on previous research, it’s hard to find a situation where the experience of flow isn’t a good thing.”

Dunn also noted that the research indicates “that even in tough moments, we should push ourselves to do something challenging to get us out of the moment.”

View the original article at thefix.com

8 November 2018
El Chapo Trial Begins In New York City

Joaquín Guzmán is accused of running the Sinaloa drug cartel from 1989 to 2014.

The high-security trial for one of the world’s most well-known criminals—Joaquín “El Chapo” Guzmán—began this week in New York City.

The federal trial, according to AFP, began Monday (Nov. 5) and is expected to last about four months.

Guzmán is accused of having led the Sinaloa cartel from 1989 to 2014. During those years, prosecutors say that the cartel was responsible for bringing 340,892 pounds of cocaine into the U.S. from Mexico, in addition to heroin, methamphetamine and marijuana—making a total of $14 billion.

Currently facing charges of international drug trafficking, conspiring to kill rivals, gun charges and money laundering, Guzmán was extradited from Mexico in January 2017 and has been in solitary confinement in the U.S. ever since, spending 23 hours per day in his cell.

He is only allowed visits from his lawyer and twin daughters—even his wife, Emma Coronel, is not allowed to see him.

This is not the first time Guzmán has been captured. In 1992, he was arrested in Guatemala and spent more than seven years in prison, but then escaped in 2001. He was again arrested in 2014, then escaped 14 months later before being arrested most recently in January 2016.

While the alleged cartel leader maintains his innocence, the government has been building a case against him, which includes more than 300,000 pages of documents and at least 117,000 recordings.

AFP reports that of the several hundred witnesses will testify, some are in witness protection programs while others are in jail.

The trial is expected to be the most expensive federal trial in U.S. history, costing millions of dollars.

Jury selection took place Monday (Nov. 5) through Wednesday. CNN reports that five men and seven women were chosen. The 12 individuals include “several immigrants, Spanish speakers and people with relatives in law enforcement.”

Some potential jurors expressed fear over being involved in the trial.

“What scares me is that his family could come after jurors and their families,” one of the women told the court, according to AFP. She added that she felt “nervous” and “unsafe.”

CNN reports that other jurors were dismissed for various reasons; one juror asked for Guzmán’s autograph and another said he liked to order a sandwich called “El Chapo.”

The 12 chosen jurors will remain anonymous and will be escorted to federal court daily by U.S. Marshals, CNN reports.

View the original article at thefix.com

8 November 2018
Ariana Grande: Therapy Saved My Life So Many Times

“I’ve got a lot of work to do but it’s a start to even be aware that it’s possible.”

Singer Ariana Grande has had quite a few painful moments over the last 18 months. From the Manchester Arena bombing at her May 2017 concert to losing her ex-boyfriend, rapper Mac Miller, to a drug overdose in September—life hasn’t been easy for the 25-year-old pop star.

On Monday, Grande lent some words of encouragement for people who may benefit from counseling. Responding to a tweet, she said, “In all honesty, therapy has saved my life so many times. If you’re afraid to ask for help, don’t be. You don’t have to be in constant pain and you can process trauma. I’ve got a lot of work to do but it’s a start to even be aware that it’s possible.”

Grande has not shied from talking about her own battles. In an emotional interview with Ebro Darden of Beats 1 radio in August, the singer emphasized the importance of helping one another through the good and the bad.

She said that her song “Get Well Soon” is about “just being there for each other and helping each other through scary times and anxiety. We just have to be there for each other as much as we can because you never fucking know.”

She added that the song, which appears on her latest album Sweetener, is “also about personal demons and anxiety, more intimate tragedies as well. Mental health is so important. People don’t pay enough mind to it… People don’t pay attention to what’s happening inside.”

Not only did she lose her ex-boyfriend Mac Miller (born Malcolm McCormick)—who she called “my dearest friend”—this year, she was the target of shame and blame from some misguided individuals.

Responding to Mac fans who blamed her for triggering his fatal overdose, she said, “I am not a babysitter or a mother and no woman should feel that they need to be. I have cared for him and tried to support his sobriety and prayed for his balance for years (and always will of course) but shaming/blaming women for a man’s inability to keep it together is a very major problem.”

A medical examiner confirmed this week that the Pittsburgh rapper had died from mixed drug toxicity of fentanyl, cocaine and alcohol.

McCormick was candid about his drug use, and seemed to struggle to find a balance. In a 2015 interview with Billboard, he said, “I’m not doing as many drugs. It just eats at your mind, doing drugs every single day, every second. It’s rough on your body.”

View the original article at thefix.com

8 November 2018
Demi Lovato Is Reportedly Out Of Rehab

A source claims the pop star is spending time at a sober living facility in Los Angeles.

Singer Demi Lovato is reportedly out of rehab, having achieved 90 days of sobriety following her near-fatal overdose in July.

“She just got back to LA a couple days ago,” a source told PEOPLE. “She seems to be doing well so far.”

The singer was spotted over the weekend out and about in Los Angeles. On Saturday she was seen at Matsuhisa restaurant in Bev Hills with clothing designer Henry Levy.

TMZ reports that the pair were smiling and happy, holding hands within the restaurant.

According to E! News, a source says that Lovato is “also spending time at a sober living facility, where she has a great support system.”

The source adds that the singer is “taking it slowly and getting back to life one day at a time. She’s not rushing to figure out where she’s going to live permanently.”

On July 24, Lovato was found unresponsive in her home, reportedly following a night with her dealer taking “aftermarket” pills. She spend two weeks in the hospital before heading to inpatient treatment at an undisclosed facility.

Last week, the 26-year-old singer’s mother, Dianna De La Garza, said that Lovato had reached a recovery milestone.

“She has 90 days,” De La Garza said. “I couldn’t be more thankful or more proud of her because addiction being a disease, it’s work. It’s very hard. It’s not easy, and there are no shortcuts.”

During the same interview, De La Garza revealed that she knew her daughter’s sobriety was slipping even before she learned about the overdose.

“I knew that she wasn’t sober. I didn’t know what she was doing because she doesn’t live with me and she’s 26,” she said. On the day that Lovato was hospitalized, De La Garzo said she received an alarming text that said “I just saw on TMZ and I’m sorry.”

“Before I could get to TMZ, I got the phone call from her assistant and she said, ‘We’re at the hospital.’ So then I knew, OK, she’s not gone. She’s here,” De La Garzo recalled. “And I said, ‘What’s going on?’ And the words that I heard are just a nightmare for any parent: ‘Demi overdosed.’”

Lovato has been open about her struggles with mental illness and substance abuse in the past. However, her social media accounts have been quiet since she posted in August, about her relapse.

“I have always been transparent about my journey with addiction,” she wrote. “What I’ve learned is that this illness is not something that disappears or fades with time. It is something I must continue to overcome and have not done yet.”

She continued, “I now need time to heal and focus on my sobriety and road to recovery. The love you have all shown me will never be forgotten and I look forward to the day where I can say I came out on the other side. I will keep fighting.”

View the original article at thefix.com

8 November 2018
Suspect In Deadly Rehab Shooting Taken Into Custody

The suspect denied responsibility for the shooting.

A suspect in Monday’s shooting at a California recovery center is now in custody, according to authorities.

Authorities believe Davance Lamar Reed was the person who opened fire at Helen Vine Detox Center in San Rafael early Monday morning (Nov. 5).

Helen Vine, on Smith Ranch Road, is a licensed 26-bed co-ed residential detoxification program for people with alcohol and drug addiction as well as co-occurring psychiatric problems, according to the Sacramento Bee.

Three people were shot—leaving one dead and two with life-threatening injuries.

The deceased victim was identified as Nathan Lamont Hill, 52. The two injured are 32-year-old Anthony Dominguez Mansapit, an employee at the facility, and 30-year-old Brittney Kehaulani McCann. As of Monday, they remained in intensive care at Marin General Hospital.

McCann is said to have a dating relationship with Reed, according to the Marin County Sheriff’s Office. The Marin resident, who friends say has a 7-year-old son with the suspect, was trying to drop Reed off at the recovery center, but instead he began shooting, according to her father and sister.

The shooting victim is a “genuinely empathetic person” who wanted to help Reed, a friend told KTVU.

Reed was arrested for an unrelated incident that occurred about an hour after the shooting. Police began pursuing Reed after spotting his Hyundai Elantra, which belonged to the mother of shooting victim Mansapit, weaving on the highway, according to KTVU.

It was not until later that police learned that Reed was a suspect in the shooting at Helen Vine Detox Center.

According to the sheriff’s office, Reed “made admissions that tied him to the crime scene” at Helen Vine.

The suspect denied responsibility for the shooting. “I didn’t shoot nobody. I shouldn’t be here,” he told KTVU from jail. He said he is withdrawing from a dependence on Xanax. The anti-anxiety drug was discovered in the vehicle he was in during the police chase that ended in his arrest.

Reed is being held at Sonoma County Jail. His next court appearance is scheduled for Nov. 15.

Buckelew Programs, the non-profit organization that oversees the program at Helen Vine and other facilities in Marin, Napa and Sonoma counties, expressed its condolences in a social media post: “Our hearts are with the staff, clients and families affected at Helen Vine Recovery Center.”

View the original article at thefix.com

8 November 2018
Evolution of a Beard: My Growth as Reflected Through Facial Hair

My hatred and rage grew alongside my father’s beard. Beards represented mental illness. Beards represented embarrassment. Beards represented my failed family.

The last time I saw my father without a beard was the night he accused me of being an alien sent to harvest his testicles. It was the summer before I entered eighth grade.

My father’s mustached face was otherwise smooth. Always had been as far as I knew. I remember kissing his cheeks as a child. Avoiding the scratchy upper lip hair.

Now, my father’s cheeks were blushed with anger and fear. I lost myself staring into his terrified eyes.

That night was the culmination of months of odd behavior. Standing outside at my sister’s Girl Scout summer camp, my father screamed accusations at everyone. His family had been replaced by testicle harvesting aliens. The other parents were FBI agents who’d been stalking him at work and recording his thoughts for months.

I’d always known my dad was a little odd. He had disappeared a few times for no reason. Usually my sister and I would end up staying a few nights at my grandparents’ house. My mom would buy us new toys. My dad would eventually reappear. Things returned to our version of normal. Unknown to me was his diagnosis of schizophrenia.

This time I knew exactly why my dad disappeared, he was going to the mental hospital; the loony bin. My dad was certifiably crazy and teenage me knew it. Worse, other people knew it. Other teens! Complete strangers. This last image of my father without a beard is seared into my memory.

My father came home from the hospital with a beard. Well, he came home with three days of unshaven stubble. Still, it was thick, dark, and covered his face. This bearded man no longer looked like my dad. This bearded man no longer acted like my dad.

The bearded stranger talked to himself out loud in private and public. He cursed and gestured wildly at random times, crossing himself with vigor as he watched Catholic Mass on TV three times a day. We weren’t Catholic. The bearded man spent evenings and weekends shopping for pornographic movies that sat unwatched and unopened in haystack shaped piles in our basement.

My hatred and rage grew alongside his beard. I hated my father. I hated his beard. By extension, I hated everyone with a beard. Beards represented mental illness. Beards represented embarrassment. Beards represented my failed family. Beards were something crazy people used to hide behind.

I daydreamed of shaving my father’s beard. Peeling off the stubble to reveal the man he had been prior to having a beard: the father I no longer had.

At the time I wasn’t able to grow my own beard. That didn’t stop me from making a pact with myself – I would never grow a beard, damn it.

As you can see in the image accompanying this article, I did not keep my pact.

As an adult, I didn’t have a beard or a relationship with my father. I became a father myself and vowed to never put my children through what I had gone through: a childhood filled with an empty father.

I didn’t prevent my father from having a relationship with my children. My mother and father would visit sporadically throughout the year and at holidays. My children were fine interacting with my father. Hell, sometimes I’d catch a glimpse in my children’s eyes of what looked like love toward their grandfather.

I wasn’t doing so well, though. I treated lingering depression and anxiety with antidepressants, sporadic counseling, and another illness: alcohol use disorder.

I was failing at life and I frequently drank until I blacked out. I was divorced and only seeing my kids every other weekend. I tried to wash away my bitterness and guilt but instead I found myself on an alcohol-fueled ride to my rock bottom.

The last time I remember not having a beard was the last time I remember drinking alcohol. I had an appointment with a new counselor. He told me that nothing could improve if I kept drinking and that he wouldn’t work with me if I didn’t stop. Somehow, I heard him. I also heard what he wasn’t saying: things could improve if I stopped drinking.

I went home and got drunk for the last time that evening.

It wasn’t easy to stop drinking. At first, every minute of every day was hard. I didn’t have the energy to do anything other than attend AA meetings and counseling. Then, without thinking, I stopped shaving and grew a short beard. At first it brought me comfort in a tangible way: I’d rub on it and scratch it and twist the hairs. After a few weeks it started filling in. And so did my sobriety. My beard grew thicker along with my willpower. I kept the beard and I’ve kept my sobriety.

At some point I made the first proactive phone call to my father I’d ever made. It wasn’t a magical conversation– we talked about sports and the weather, the same topics we’ve always been able to safely cover during face-to-face conversations over the years. When it was over, I hung up the phone, feeling sick to my stomach. I knew I’d never have the dad I wish I had. I know it’s on me to deal with it. But I wanted to have whatever relationship I could with him.

I’m four years sober. In these four years I’ve searched my soul to forgive my father. My children love their grandfather. They don’t know the bearded stranger I knew when I was growing up. They’ve never known him without a beard. They only know him as Grandpa!

I can’t regain my childhood. And I can’t undo what I’ve done to my children. But I can make sure I don’t go back to the dark place of alcohol abuse.

I kiss my children with a beard. I cuddle my youngest daughter and tickle her with my whiskers. She’s never known me without a beard. My kids see beards differently than I did.

Today I still have a beard. I keep this beard as a reminder of the importance of staying sober; a reminder of the importance of my family; a reminder of the forgiveness I’ve given others and that I’ve asked for from my loved ones.

View the original article at thefix.com

8 November 2018