“Moving away from any addiction is utterly terrifying. You are left without a form of self-containment,” the Aussie model wrote in a blog post.
Australian model Bridget Malcolm struggled with disordered eating for a long time. She’s in a place of recovery now, but acknowledged the fact that it is a daily challenge. It does not happen overnight, but rather with every step taken toward a good place.
During a vulnerable moment, she shared her thoughts on her recovery in a new blog post. “My body dysmorphia is bad right now,” she wrote.
Malcolm has been candid about her eating disorder recovery. Last September she reached a full year without losing her period since she was 16 years old. “Losing my period was always such a thrill for me, it meant my destructive habits were working and I was really actually skinny,” she wrote on her blog last year.
Exploring The Roots
In her new blog post, the model explores the roots of her body image issues. “My desire to starve comes from a place of feeling unheard and worthless. I was a sensitive and shy child. As an adult I used starvation as a means to separate myself from me. I felt less, spoke less and needed less when I was starving.”
She admitted that there’s nothing easy about recovery. “If anything, the feelings are extra loud and insistent. You have taken away your coping mechanism,” she wrote.
Breaking Old Patterns
Without the comfort of her old patterns, Malcolm has had to transform her mindset and re-wire old habits. “Moving away from any addiction is utterly terrifying. You are left without a form of self-containment. All that remains is the intense craving to go back to your dangerous safe place, a craving that you cannot give in to, or you risk dying.”
She acknowledged that she’s on the right path but recovery is still new to her, and takes time to master. Since she’s struggled with her body image and disordered eating since she was in her teens, she has a lot to un-learn.
“I know now that I spent the majority of my life cultivating the thought processes that eventually led me down the path of disordered eating,” she wrote. “What this means is that my two years of recovery pales in comparison to the 23 or so years I spent in the throes of my eating disorder. I am still very much a beginner in this thing.”
She’s now putting in the work toward killing off her old habits by “think[ing] through” her eating disorder. “Reliving the high and sense of control it gives me… Remembering the exhaustion of climbing stairs, the constant anxiety, the distance from my loved ones.”
Getting to a place of recovery is an accomplishment in its own right. But it requires hard work, focus and dedication, as Malcolm said. “I am not the result of one massive lifestyle change. I am a culmination of every little action I do throughout the day. Living in recovery is extremely challenging.”