Tag: depression

When You're Too Depressed to "Reach Out"
How is it that we’ve all been conditioned to place the burden of action on the one with the mental condition that literally robs us of the ability to act?

Kate Spade. And now Anthony Bourdain. I’m afraid for the next headline. I’m sad for those we lose daily who will never be mourned by millions of fans the world over.

I’m not going to say the word right now. It’s been said too much already in the past few days. It’s going to be said many more in the days to come, and at least one of those times, I’ll be the one using it in a story, but right here and right now? I’m not using it. What I will do is start a conversation that is long overdue.

Just the other night, I saw a headline in which medical experts were warning the general public about the contagion effect I’ve written about before. If you are in a stable place mentally and interested in learning more, this article is a good place to start.

Right now, though, we are reeling from another loss. Those of us who have been in the deepest pits of depression and have had to claw our way back up are hurting because every loss reminds us, even briefly, of how much emotional energy it takes to simply exist when depression lies to us, telling us that we are worthless, lazy, that we always mess everything up, and that the people we love would be better off without us.

Please don’t listen to that voice. Depression is an asshole never to be trusted.

This is normally when I’d tell you to reach out and I’d provide the standard resources, hotlines, and links, but this is a conversation and not a PSA, so we’re trying something different.

I’m not going to tell you to reach out. I know I never do it for myself — I just can’t — when I’m in a deep depression. Telling a depressed person to reach out—especially if they are in the deepest of depressive bouts—is like telling a blind person to try to see harder.

Think about that. How is it that we’ve all been conditioned to place the burden of action on the one with the mental condition that literally robs us of the ability to act? If it takes a village to raise a child, it takes a tribe of people who get it to keep tabs on each other, because we all know this is so much harder when we try to go it alone.

This means we all need to start paying attention. We need to watch and listen closely to what those in our personal and social media circles are saying, and sometimes to what they are not.

When people say there were no warning signs after the world has lost another beautiful soul, that’s not always accurate. Sometimes they didn’t see the warning signs or recognize them for what they were. It’s not someone’s fault for missing a sign they didn’t recognize, but we can learn as we go if we actually follow through with this plan and start watching each other’s backs. Depressed people are good at pretending we are fine because EVERYBODY’S FINE, DAMMIT.

But even as we put on the brave front while hoping like hell that no one can see through the act, we also hope someone is paying close enough attention to us to see what’s really going on; we’re hoping that person will be brave enough to call us on our bullshit.

That doesn’t always happen though, so we stop expecting people to notice at all. We keep on pretending.

We are programmed to say “fine” when asked how we are doing by strangers and friends and family alike. Maybe some people mean it when they say it, but we don’t when depression is hitting us hard. It’s just easier to go along with the accepted script.

I’m not going to tell you to reach out, but I hope like hell that you do. I am going to tell you that you are beautiful and loved and ask how I can support you until the fog finally lifts. And I hope you will do the same for me the next time I fall back into the fog. Ask me if I have seen my psychiatrist lately and if I am taking my anxiety and depression meds as recommended, because sometimes my ADHD means I forget.

Let’s stop putting all the responsibility on the depressed person by telling them to reach out and instead take some of that up to share and lighten the load. Let’s start reaching in for each other. It’s time to start reaching in.

If you or someone you know may be at risk for suicide, immediately seek help. You are not alone.

Options include:
- Calling the U.S. National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 800-273-TALK (8255)
- Calling 911
- Calling a friend or family member to stay with you until emergency medical personnel arrive to help you.
View the original article at thefix.com
11 June 2018
Dear Val Kilmer, Anthony Bourdain Did Love Us
Suicide is not about someone wanting to leave their family. It is about them being in so much pain they felt they could not stay.

Trigger warning: The following story discusses a the completed suicide of a celebrity and links to potentially triggering articles. Proceed with caution. If you feel you are at risk and need help, skip the story and get help now. Options include: Calling the U.S. National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 800-273-TALK (8255), calling 911, and calling a friend or family member to stay with you until emergency medical personnel arrive to help you.

The news of celebrity chef and best-selling author Anthony Bourdain’s death by suicide is tragic. He was relatable, he was witty, and he was raw. Bourdain, the host of CNN’s hit show, Anthony Boudain: Parts Unknown, never held back when it came to talking about his struggles with depression, drugs, and staying sober, endearing himself even more to a fanbase that already spanned the globe.

Still, many were shocked to learn of Bourdain’s death on June 8, 2018, just three days after fashion icon Kate Spade’s completed suicide. Suicide rates have risen 30 percent in the United States in less than two decades, says data recently released by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). Depression reportedly played a part in both Spade‘s and Bourdain’s deaths.

Mental health advocates have routinely cautioned against describing suicide as selfish because it may trigger a vulnerable individual to act. Hollywood actor Val Kilmer, however, seems to give more weight to what a spiritual guide once told him than the warnings of the CDC, the American Psychological Association (APA), and the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI). Kilmer is now on the receiving end of fan disapproval after publishing a lengthy Facebook post in which he called Bourdain “selfish” for taking himself away from Kilmer and his fans.

“From every corner of the world you were loved. So selfish,” Kilmer wrote. “You’ve given us cause to be so angry.”

It was this spiritual guide, Kilmer says, who once told him a story to explain how “suicide is the most selfish act.”

What Kilmer didn’t realize when he hit publish on this post is exactly how selfish he himself was being by prioritizing his need to publicly call Bourdain out over and above everyone else’s need to avoid triggering suicidal ideations.

Kilmer’s suicide shaming remarks, and those from others who share the same outdated view, are harmful to people who are depressed and vulnerable to suicide contagion.

“Selfishness has nothing to do with it,” says Gigi Griffis, who remembers being so depressed that she wanted to die. When Griffis felt herself being lost to her depression, she remembers thinking the world would be better without her.

“Suicide isn’t something people do to punish those around them…it’s a collection of lies – that you won’t be missed, that you don’t matter, that the world would be a better place without you – that has nothing to do with anyone around you – and everything to do with the depression itself,” Griffis says.

When the brother of bestselling author Rene Denfeld died by suicide in 2005, he left notes for his family members.

“He said he was sorry, he just couldn’t bear life any more,” Denfeld said on twitter. “That’s a tragedy. That’s our collective failure. The pain that killed him is no different than a cancer or illness.”

When the time came to submit the obituary to the local paper, Denfeld was asked to “change his cause of death” due to the paper’s policy of not printing the word “suicide.” Denfeld, determined to honor her brother’s memory with truth, stood her ground.

Denfeld’s focus right now is to remind people who are participating in the online discussions about Spade and Bourdain that insinuating the deceased did not love their survivors is shaming and hurtful. But Kilmer’s comments won’t be on her radar for too long. He’s just one voice. Denfeld would much rather celebrate the progress made in the 13 years since her brother died.

“I come from a family of suicides. Please don’t shame survivors by acting like our loved ones didn’t love us. Suicide is not about someone wanting to leave their family. It is about them being in so much pain they felt they could not stay,” says Denfeld. “A lot has changed, and it’s for the better. We are finally talking about this incredibly common, heart-breaking form of loss. I am thankful for that, because now we can finally sorrow together.”

If you or someone you know may be at risk for suicide, immediately seek help. You are not alone.

Options include:
- Calling the U.S. National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 800-273-TALK (8255)
- Calling 911
- Calling a friend or family member to stay with you until emergency medical personnel arrive to help you.
View the original article at thefix.com
11 June 2018
How Online Dating Affects Mental Health

A new study revealed that online dating can impact mental health in a variety of ways and may even lead to tech addiction.

These days finding someone to date should be easier than ever. After all, dating apps can tell you who is near by, what they’re after in a partner, and even what they look like.

However, experts warn that online dating can be tied to lower self-esteem, tech addiction and depression.

A study published in 2016 polled 1,044 woman and 273 men (mostly college-aged) about their social habits. About 10% of them were using Tinder.

“We found that being actively involved with Tinder, regardless of the user’s gender, was associated with body dissatisfaction, body shame, body monitoring, internalization of societal expectations of beauty, comparing oneself physically to others, and reliance on media for information on appearance and attractiveness,” said Jessica Strübel, PhD, of the University of North Texas, who co-authored the study with Trent Petrie, PhD.

“Tinder users reported having lower levels of satisfaction with their faces and bodies and having lower levels of self-worth than the men and women who did not use Tinder,” she added.

Researchers were primarily interested in how online dating affected women, but they were surprised to see that using the dating and hookup app had a real effect on men, too.

“Although current body image interventions primarily have been directed toward women, our findings suggest that men are equally and negatively affected by their involvement in social media,” said Strübel.

The pain of being rejected in online dating scenarios can also sting. A study published in 2011 found that being socially rejected activates the same parts of the brain that physical pain does. That means that opening oneself up on dating apps—where you can be rejected faster than ever—can have a real impact on well-being.

In addition, being involved with online dating might lead to tech addiction. Last year, Match.com did a survey that found that 15% of singles felt addicted to the process of finding a date online, CNN Health reported.

Millennials were most likely to say that they felt addicted to online dating, while 54% of women using the dating service said that they felt burned out by the process.

While there is still debate over the merits of tech addiction, one study published in 2016 linked technology addiction with depression and anxiety. People who spent more time online (perhaps looking for a date) were more severely affected.

“People who self-described as having really addictive-style behaviors toward the Internet and cellphones scored much higher on depression and anxiety scales,” said Alejandro Lleras, a psychology professor at the University of Illinois who co-authored this study.

View the original article at thefix.com

1 June 2018
Paramore’s Hayley Williams Pens Powerful Mental Health Essay

“Writing kept me alive. Forced me to be honest. It helped me understand that emotional wellness and physical health are actually related.”

Paramore’s lead singer Hayley Williams is taking the shame out of sadness.

In the band’s most recent single “Rose-Colored Boy,” Williams sings, “Just let me cry a little bit longer/ I ain’t gon’ smile if I don’t want to.”

The chorus is a perfect summation of Williams’ current incarnation, as she’s emerged from difficult times and is (at least a little bit) comfortable enough to talk about it.

In a new essay for Paper magazine, Williams recalled when a lot came crashing down on her at the same time in both her personal life and her career.

“I didn’t eat, I didn’t sleep, I didn’t laugh… for a long time,” she wrote. However, she added, “I’m still hesitant to call it depression. Mostly out of fear people will put it in a headline, as if depression is unique and interesting and deserves a click. Psychology is interesting. Depression is torment.”

But she said she managed to keep it together through writing. “Writing kept me alive. Forced me to be honest. Made me have empathy for [bandmate Taylor York] in his struggles with mental health. It helped me understand that emotional wellness and physical health are actually related,” she wrote.

Lately, she said she has felt a shift, as well as in the people around her. Paramore had not released new work since 2013, until they came out with After Laughter in the spring of 2017. The music and the timing of the album were significant for the band.

“[After Laughter] helps me mark this time as a significant turning point in my life,” said Williams. “I’m noticing similar movement in my friends’ lives too. More presence and awareness. More tenderness. I’m alive to both pain and joy now. I have my old laugh back, as my mom says… And only a couple years ago, I had hoped I’d die.”

Williams discussed her struggles with mental health in a summer 2017 interview with Fader, as well. She described a feeling of hopelessness that crept up on her in the “past couple of years.”

“I don’t feel as hopeful as I did as a teenager. For the first time in my life, there wasn’t a pinhole of light at the end of the tunnel,” she said at the time. “I thought, I just wish everything would stop. It wasn’t in the sense of, I’m going to take my life. It was just hopelessness. Like, what’s the point? I don’t think I understood how dangerous hopelessness is. Everything hurts.”

Paramore is currently on tour, which is set to wrap up in late August.

View the original article at thefix.com

1 June 2018